[4s8kn]

This is the first time I have ever posted in any forum, so please bear with me some. I was drawn to your website looking for the ‘dating advice for the nice guy’ -and while I’m known as an alpha-class type – ‘A’ (cliche) business man, in my personal relationships I am apparently WAAAYYY too nice.
I’m a middle aged man going through a divorce after 20 Years. It’s been very difficult for me. My (ex)-wife and I are amicably separating and she seems to be fine with everything,(yes, I’m paying…) there was no cheating;that I know of.. we are different people after having stuck it out to raise the kids, and we’re both proud of that. Through out this , there has been one person who has helped me out, recognized that I was falling apart, and was there for me…I know what youre thinking ; “the other woman” –it isnt like that. She is 18 years younger than me, and has been a better friend than I have ever known. When I could not open up to anyone for fear of being perceived as weak, she recognized it, and stopped me from going to a *very* dark place, never let on, and never asked for anything in return.
I dont think it will ever be intimate, I honestly dont know.. I do recognize that right now I am very vulnerable…and over heard something like ‘there goes a prime rebound target, yummy ‘ recently which made me a little more self aware.
My question is this: My friend, “Kaye”; has terribly low self esteem. While I want to avoid being too nice -and be perceived as ‘the nice guy’ —-I also have to avoid being too present, and getting her tagged with ‘the other woman’ at the office. I’m really concerned about her. As I found out more about her past, I found out she’d been raped, and severly abused in past relationships,even hospitalized. In the office, guys seem indifferent to making (over the line) comments, gestures, and come-ons to her. She dismisses it and goes on- She is attractive, smart, and young, but This secretly humiliates and hurts her, I can tell, and she wont do anything about it. She wont defend herself, and being in this environment, that is like an invitation to more. I found this out when we went to lunch and were just talking – I brought it up and she broke down in tears right there. (again,humiliated) Ive managed to put a stop to the behavior with some success,(can’t fix what I cannot see) and we’ve implemented a harassment program,and taken punitive actions. However as an individual, she still gets regularly stepped on and wont stand up for herself. How do I help her with her self esteem? She has been my rock through all this and I just want to reciprocate.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can help her with her self esteem problem by having your own strong self esteem. If she’s lucky enough to recognize strong self esteem in you, that she then wants to emulate, you’ll have given her a light in the right direction. 🙂

My advice, however, is not to get involved in “saving her”. She has problems you don’t have the expertise to deal with. If she wants to talk, listen. If she wants advice, give her your best shot. Be a good person and if you see someone crossing a line with sexually harassing behavior, speak up and tell them that what they’re saying is not okay. The same goes for racist jokes or any joke in the office that could hurt someone’s feelings. If you don’t speak up, you’re part of the problem. So start there. Be strong as a human being, and anyone who wants to be strong will flock to you. Like attracts like, and if she has an inkling of self esteem in her body, she’ll recognize your strength and be attracted to it.

Also, learn how to accept help knowing it was a gift. Understand that when someone helps you out, THEY are doing it because it makes THEM feel good. She got something out of being there for you. You don’t have to reciprocate in kind. You can pass it forward to a completely different person who is in need.

But don’t “save her”. You can’t. You have enough on your plate. Finish your divorce so you can be out of limbo and live as a legally single man.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And please follow me on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) and on AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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