[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost five years and have two kids together. The problem is it has been rocky for a long time now and I dont know what to do. We argue and fight constantly –he lies to me all the time and here recently he has just come with this I can do what i want attitude which is fine–but just not with me. I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place because two years ago I moved 1300 miles with him to find his daughter. Long story short she didnt like me–through my clothes away after her and I got into an argument and we havent seen her since. Come to find out he has been talking to her drug addicted mother behind my back to check on his daughter which would be fine if his daughter wasnt 26 years old. When I found the number and asked whose it was he told me not to worry about it. Then we had a big argument about it and he went and stayed gone for 12 hours and comes home and says absolutely nothing. Is this a healthy relationship–Should I stay or should I go–I only stay for the kids because they love him so much, but honestly i still love our Sex life–its wonderful and i think thats the only thing keeping us together–I NEED HELP

[Ask April Masini]

It’s easy to lose focus because you have so much chaos in your life. Your boyfriend may be talking to his ex because they have a troubled child between them, and even though that child is an adult, she’s still their child. Ex-girlfriends and wives don’t just disappear when there are children to be co-parented — even when the children are adults. So, maybe he isn’t cheating with his ex, but is just concerned about their daughter. It sounds like the daughter is in crisis — otherwise you wouldn’t have moved 1300 miles to try and find her.

Without meaning to be hard on you, you’re doing a lot of complaining about him, but what’s your part in this? Is there any way you could stop the fighting and the bickering? Be more inviting? Understanding? The fact that your sex life is strong counts for something, as does the fact that you have children together. Is he a good father?

In other words, can you find the good in this relationship and focus on nurturing it and bringing that out — starting with the good in you?

Let me know if this helps.

And join me on Facebook! I want to see you there. Here’s the link: [url][/url]! 😀

[Anonymous]

Ok so i posted something on here earlier and I need to break it down in depth. My boyfriend is 43 and I am 30. We have two kids together and moved to another state 2 years ago to be near his daughter. The problem is he has become very emotionally abusive since we’ve moved here. He curses at me and discludes me from every aspect of his life including the one with his 26 year old daughter and his crack addicted baby’s mother. We now are on an up and down roller coaster where every other day he wants to leave and I tell him he should–but he never goes. The kids love hime to death but Im not sure how much more I can take just to keep a family together that he obviously doesnt want. I dont feel like im just complaining–I just know people dont talk to people a certain way that they supposedly love and care about.–I need more advice PleaseEssence

[Ask April Masini]

I tried to give you advice, but you ignored all my questions leading you to change your own behavior. 🙁 If you’ve ignored him over the long term, the way you’ve ignored my post here, then it’s understandable that eventually he’s going to be angry. 😮 You’re acting like a victim, but you have an active part in this relationship problem and unless you assume responsibility for your own behavior, you’re going to find yourself in a possibly worse situation. If the two of you argue and fight constantly, as you posted below, then YOU have to stop engaging with him in a negative way. It takes two people to argue and fight.

After you stop fighting and arguing with him, ask him if he would please stop cursing because it upsets you. I’m not hearing anything that’s really abusive — the cursing is distasteful and mean, but I suspect those feelings are mutually expressed. I trust that you consider his lying to you to be about his visits and talks with his adult daughter’s mother, which is a separate problem that CAN be worked out when you’re ready.

But for now, YOU need to stop telling him to leave. Decide if YOU want him to stay or not, and then act on that decision. If you do, then start acting like you do. If you don’t, then you move out and start legal custody and child support proceedings.

You say he doesn’t include you in many aspects of his life, but it sounds like he is a good father to your children together and he is a good lover to you. If you decide to stay with him see if you can start being a really great wife and MAKE HIM [i]WANT TO[/i] include you, and see if that changes his behavior towards you and if he starts including you in more parts of his life. I know this sounds distasteful to you, but unless one of you changes your behavior, your pattern of relationship problems is going to spiral downward as it has been. 🙁

I hope this helps — I can tell you’re in a bad place and it’s hard for you to deal with this problem.

Please join me on Facebook — I’d like to see you there, too. You can become a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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