[Anonymous]

Okay so ive been with this guy for almost a year. It has been an amazingly loving relationship. however, my past haunts me. I had dated a guy for four years, a talk of marriage, I found out that he has been “courting” another girl. He didnt cheat on me physically but emotioanlly. So we broke up (but it was more like he broke up with me because of her), and not even 2 months later, i heard they got engaged, and are now married. Anyways, i am over it, and i feel actually happy for them. But, i can’t get the worry out of my system that this will happen again. That i will be left for another.

Now this new guy i am seeing is talking about marriage and buying a house together. He is so loving and caring. BUT, and this is a big BUT for me, he is friends with his ex’s. His most recent one, i had problems with. For the better part of our relationship she has been trying to get him back. Sending him “i love you” messages, sending me hate emails, she even claimed that they slept together while he was dating me. He admitted to hanging out with her, and said he didnt want to tell me because he knew i would be mad and that he didnt think it was a significant event, but he said he didn’t sleep with her. Well, i stoped trusting him because i didnt know which one of them was telling the truth, he wouldnt prove to me that he didnt cheat. I then broke up with him. After one heartbreaking week apart, i have never missed anyone so much, he finally contacted me and said he missed me and that he never has felt like this about anyone after a breakup. He said he wanted me back and would do anything to make me happy and would never ever let us break up again.

Well he did it! He stopped talking with her mostly, or at least i havent seen him talk with her, except for once, she asked him to do her a favor…weird, but i read their messaging by accident and found nothing to worry about in it (she said some really flirty lovey things, but he didnt respond/react to them). But whatever. Last month, out of nowhere, she came into our conversation and after talk about her background, he said “she is a cute girl”..and i was silent and a bit hurt/insecure feelings came on…and after he saw he probably hurt me with that he said “but you are cuter…and i need you to know i love you, only you”.

I also dont think i have let go of the “cheating incident”. I still dont know what the actual truth is. I want to believe him, but i dont understand why i havent been able to. My gut feeling tells me that he did sleep with her, just because of all the explanations he had given me..they don’t really add up. Maybe in his head they do, but not in mine. But even if he did, i want to forgive him because i dont know how else i would be happy again …but i dont understand why i cant…

Long story short, I am afraid of trusting him and being hurt again.

So my question is this…How do I move on from these feelings of insecurity? How do i trust him? Should i trust him? Is he being sincere, and am i just blinded by my insecurity?? How do i move on from him cheating/not cheating incident? I don’t want to lose him, but i feel like if i dont change, i will.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve put yourself in an impossible situation! 😳 You don’t trust that your boyfriend didn’t cheat on you, but you’ve forgiven him (or at least tried to) and have continued the relationship. However, you haven’t [i]forgotten[/i] your uncertainty about his loyalty to you. In fact, what you’ve learned from your first betrayal with your ex is that loyalty is something that’s really important to you. Unfortunately, you don’t feel it from this guy. Not only are you not sure if he slept with his ex-girlfriend, but she’s treated you horribly and he continues to befriend her in spite of her behavior to you. That’s a betrayal in and of itself, and you’re overlooking it because you have a politically correct idea that exes can and should be friends. [i]Not always![/i] 😆 Only in certain circumstances, and this isn’t one of them. If an ex disrespects you, it’s unreasonable to expect your boyfriend will stay friends or in contact with her. It’s as if he’s condoning or pardoning her behavior — at your expense! 😳

My suspicion is that you’re afraid that if you let go, he’ll start dating this other woman the way your ex-boyfriend did with the woman he liked while dating you. In fact, you’re so worried about not accusing your boyfriend of cheating on you, to keep him in the relationship, that you’re forgetting to see the bigger picture, which is that you’re with a man you don’t trust. And if you can’t trust your boyfriend, why stay with him? 😐

Before you beat yourself up about how insecure you are because of a past hurt, consider that you’re a normal woman who’s boyfriend cheated, broke up with you and then married the object of his cheating, and you were monumentally hurt. You’re not alone in that scenario. It happens. [i]Now, if you’ve learned a lesson from your past, you’re looking for someone who’s loyal because you’ve learned that’s what’s important! [/i] Honor yourself, and consider that you may deserve more than what you have now.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are right. It would really hurt me if he goes back with her. I’m just such a horrible communicator. I always have a problem expressing my true feelings, my anger or disapproval especially. Not only with him, but even with my friends, but not with my family. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and what I do instead is keep quiet and ignore them until my anger passes away. And i have had a lot of friends walk all over me because they think no matter what they do or say, i will not mind. That’s wrong because nothing gets resolved, and instead it makes me frustrated. But I am working at it and my bf has been very supportive.

I’ve told him loud and clear that it will not make me happy if they become close friends again and he knows I mean business. But he has been good so far, he even offered to block her phone #, but c’mon there are so many ways in which she can contact him. She constantly asks his friends (whom as i mentioned she is friends with as well) what he is up to, tells them stuff about herself so that they can casually mention it to him to annoy him. She is the one that starts up a conversation with him first, so at least I know that he will not talk w her unless she starts up something. I just don’t understand how immature must she be to be chasing him for a year?? And she is even older than me…”sighs”. I guess age really is just a number.

Although this will sound like an excuse, I really do not think he would be unfaithful to me with other girls just because i accidentally saw some conversations that he had been having with some girl friends on his fb, and i never ask to see his fb so he wouldn’t even think to have to delete his messages. But he actually told each one of them about me..and how happy he is with me and that he thinks i’m the one etc. And that reassured me that he is a good guy and he does care for me. I just definitely need to communicate more with him about what has been bothering me…and see where he stands.

That said, I will definitely take your advice to heart and stop to think about what works best for me at the end of the day. I’m still young, and if he and I are not meant to be, then Mr. Right is still out there waiting for me 🙂 Never give up hope!!

In the meantime, I think I will take things slowly and enjoy life ~ 🙂

xoxo

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Remember, it doesn’t matter what his ex says or does — it only matter what [i]he[/i] says or does. So keep your eye on the ball and try to be honest with yourself and him about will work for you in a relationship and what won’t. It sounds from your second post as if he wants to do the right thing by you — just make sure you’re honest about what that right thing is!

Good luck — and see you on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]! 😀

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