[Abby]

Sorry this is long. But how do you know if the doubts you are having is because of trust/abandonment issues, or actual incompatibility?

Ok so here is the deal I had a rough life. I was sexually abused as a toddler, I don’t remember by who I just have memories of it happen. From what my sister and brother have said it was my father. Then from the age of 10-14 I was sexually, physically, and mentally abused by my brother. Then found out at the age of 16 that my brother went to my parents for help just a few months after he started abusing me, and they did nothing to get him help, and let the abuse continue. As an adult I fell in love with a guy he left me for his ex and got engaged to her with in just a month of breaking up with me. Several bad relationships later I found Mike. We had a great relationship we never fought we were together all the time. Almost 3 yrs into our relationship we got engaged. Over a year after he told me he didn’t think he loved me and wasn’t sure that he ever did. Needless to say I was crushed. We remained friends for several years after. He was my best friend until the day he died of a massive heart attack suddenly. I was more crushed over his death then I was our break up. Anyway after we broke up I did go on a few dates, but I just never met anyone I clicked with. I was single for 7yrs.

So that is my really messed up history. I know I obviously have trust issues, and issues with letting people close, and have subconscious fears, and all the other fun fears that comes with betrayal and abuse.

Anyway so here is my dilemma. I finally found a guy that I trust and I feel comfortable with, and we work well together. He absolutely adores me even says he wants to marry me some day. But I’m having doubts. I don’t know if those doubts are because of subconscious fears or honest concerns.

1) I’m a very physically active person. I like to be walk, bike, running, exercise in general. He is a gaming nerds and prefers to sit around ALOT. Mike was like this after our relationship I decided I really wanted someone that would do these things with me. He wants someone that sits on the computer playing games with him. I keep telling him that will never happen with me I don’t like to play computer games. He just thinks we need to compromise. But do you? If you know that is what you want should you really be in a relationship that doesn’t actually give you that?

2) he is morbidly obese. I am extremely concerned about his health. He has severe asthma, that isn’t treated, he instead takes primatine mist that stresses the heart. He salts everything which is bad for the heart. He has gum disease which is bad for the heart. He doesn’t eat a lot of sweets but drinks pop constantly. Which can easily lead to diabetes. I told him from the get go that health was a big issue for me because of Mike. At the time he reassured me he was eating healthy and exercising. Which at the time he was as soon as we started dating he stopped. I stressed health over and over again and he is finally starting to exercise (although only with wiifit) and making better choices. He has lost 10lbs in the last 2 months. But he still has not done anything about his asthma. He just doesn’t get it. He thinks it is just about loosing weight, because he is stuck on the fact that he is fat. Should I really wait for him to change, when I told him before we even started dating that health was a deal breaker for me? That I wanted someone that is healthy or serious about becoming healthy. Because honestly he is not there yet.

3) He says a lot of things but doesn’t actually turn it into action. Like the whole health thing. I had to talk to him several times about his health. To the point that I felt I was being annoying. He always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t do something. With the food, his eating fast food every night was just a phase and would end soon. Soon turned into 6 months. With exercise it was an old injury and he just had to wait until after winter. Yet I gave him suggestions to help, like go see a professional. And his response would be sounds interesting and something I would consider. With going to the doctor it was that he didn’t have enough money. Yet he spend 30-40/week on going out the movies, eats fast food every night, buys computer games, and is buying me jewelry. I hate excuses just be honest with yourself. Health was just not that important to him.

Don’t get me wrong he is a really good guy. I really enjoy spending time with him. We get along really well. My friends and family really like him. His friends and family really like me. We make a good couple.

But those aren’t the only things. He wants kids, I don’t want kids. He is allergic to animals, I’m a big animal lover and will not live without animals. He views animals as “if they get to expensive euthanize them”. I spent $8,000 on my dog a couple of years ago because of a bad knee and her needing 3 surgeries to fix it. He says he understands now, but what will happen if we get married, and he mistakenly thinks he will actually have a say in how much money I spend on the animals when they are sick because frankly I would spend it whether or not he approved or not. Even though I expressed these concerns to him verbally. I just am not sure he really understands.

He has stated “whatever I had to do to be with you” ya that is great, but he shouldn’t have to do anything to be with me. He shouldn’t have to change for me, that never works, and often leads to resentment.

To me all of this are valid concerns and questions, and not things I’m making up. Theses are actually things I’ve discussed with him. About our differences and he just stays “whatever I have to do”, so in my opinion he is just dismissing it and not really thinking about it.

After what Mike did to me, ie wait for over 4yrs to tell me hey I’m not sure I love you. I really told myself I would never do that to anyone. That was horrible. Will and I have been together for 7 months. I really do love him, although I don’t think I’m in love with him. But how long do I give myself to figure out if my doubts are real or if it is because of my past? How do I really know?

[simplysingle]

Wow! I have major trust/abandonment issues due to my history of sexual abuse as a child. Needless to say, ALL of my relationships have been very short term, everyone I was cheated on, and/or sabotaged them all. Thank you for sharing your history and the effects on your present day relationships. I understand your difficulty of distinguishing fear from valid concern. In the case of your situation, I couldn’t even begin to offer you advice since I have never had a boyfriend for more than 1-3 months, so I’m sorry. However, you seem to have a solid sense of who you are and what is important to you. For me, being in my late 30’s, having a child is important to me, so I won’t bother dating anyone who doesn’t want children. If animals are important to you, and you choose to spend YOUR money to support their well-being, then it shouldn’t matter what he thinks. I guess it matters whether it’s important if sharing that ethical point of view is important. That’s all I can offer for you, but I don’t know if it’s much help. If anything, I admire your ability to have had relationships that endured any significant length of time and wish I could even get to that point without sabotaging potential within the first month (if that). Anyway, I just wanted to write to you and thank you for your honesty.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re incompatible. This nagging feeling that he’s not right for you has nothing to do with your past history.

My advice is to be very clear on what you want in a partner and not spend time with anyone who’s just a nice guy because you’ll end up wasting time with Mr. Wrong. The incompatibility in activity levels is a potential deal breaker for any couple. His morbid obesity is a flashing red light that he can’t take care of himself, so will never be able to take care of you, and his not following through on things is just fuel on the fire. He may be nice and you may get along, but there’s clearly not enough to make this work in any meaningful way.

I hope that helps.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

SimplySingle – Well what has helped me is I always stay aware of how the abuse and betrayal can affect me. In your case you know that you sabotage things. Well be conscious of that, and watch for it, when you find yourself thinking or want to do something, instead of acting upon it really consider the situation. Which is typically what I do. So when I feel something isn’t right I think long and hard about it, and work though things either by writing, thinking about them, talking to friends, ect. And quite honestly the only reason I have been thinking so hard about my whole situation right now is because it took my ex 4.5yrs to tell me he had doubts. I never want to do that to someone.

April – Thanks for the feedback, and it really what I was thinking, that this just isn’t going to work, and more and more it was the conclusion I was coming too. I just wasn’t really sure if it was real doubts or just me pushing him away. I just needed that reassurance that I wasn’t just throwing something away. Btw, I don’t feel that he would be able to take care of me, which was actually something else I considered as well.

Now I just have to figure out how to break it off with him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help. 😀

Breaking up is never easy. But remember, if you do it quickly and clearly and behave consistently, you’re going to bestow a lot more kindness in the long run on him — and yourself.

Good luck.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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