[KaraN]

Hello. I’m hoping for some advice to help me understand an ex wife that won’t move on. I started dating my boyfriend 7 months ago (we were friends prior) and his divorce was recently finalized. They do not have children. Throughout the entire time we’ve dated, she has repeated called and texted him multiple times a day, every day. OK, no big deal when dealing with an end of a marriage. The problem is that she has now escalated to stalking him. He has moved twice and she still found his new place. Shows up unannounced on his door step. She has made multiple references to bars and restaurants we visit. In one case while we were at the restaurant. She knows when we go to the movies. And this is what I find the most troubling- we went away for a long weekend, 1500 miles from where we live, didn’t tell a soul, and she still managed to know where we went. Following that trip, she then made a surprise visit to a local dive bar we frequent. At this point, I’m at my wits end! Up until now, I have always known my boyfriend needs to handle the situation. And he does. He’s told her not to call, not to stop by, etc. But nothing seems to stop her. Over the weekend, I just snapped. We got into a terrible fight. I barely remember what I said because I was blind with rage. I know, not a wise choice. But I just can’t take it anymore. I have given this horrible situation some thought, and at first, I told myself to just “let it go,” be the bigger person, its not my marriage that ended. But with the escalated stalking, “letting it go” is just the one thing I can’t do and its causing many arguments with my boyfriend, including the whopper we had over the weekend. I’m just so angry with this woman, I’m allowing her to affect my relationship. How do I learn to “let it go” or do I just tell my boyfriend I’m not ready to move past this anger? Help please.

[AskApril Masini]

There are three things going on here, and I think that breaking them down will help you. First of all, his ex-wife is still invested in her relationship with him and is behaving inappropriately. Her behavior is unfortunate, but it’s not illegal. Do you think she’s trying to get back together with him, break the two of you up, or is she merely seeking revenge?

The second thing that’s going on is your boyfriend’s response to his ex-wife, which seems appropriate up to now — but it’s ineffective. He’s asked her to stop stalking the two of you, and she won’t. Now, you’re angry at the ex-wife AND your boyfriend. (This may be exactly what the ex-wife was hoping for.)

The third thing going on, which is most important, is your own reaction. Your anger is understandable, but it’s not your only choice. You could laugh it off, but as you already mention, this isn’t working. You could grow closer to your boyfriend, which is sometimes what happens when there’s a common enemy, but this isn’t working either. The best you can hope for and work towards, in any adversity, is a united front. Is it really his ex-wife that is upsetting you — or are you upset at your boyfriend’s nonplussed reaction? Are you afraid that she will get back together with him? Are you afraid for your safety? It’s important for you to figure this out because right now, she’s winning, and that’s not good. I think that the most important thing here is that you’re seeing that your boyfriend’s ex-wife is going to be an issue in the relationship, at least until he escalates his boundaries, she peters out, or the two of you break up. So, your choices are to hang in there and suggest new boundaries, like going off social media, where I imagine she’s getting her updates on your lives, getting a restraining order, or hang in there and do things that make you more comfortable with his ex, the way you would with difficult step-kids or a difficult mother-in-law.

Let me know if those suggestions work for you, and if you have more questions, please ask.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re dealing with an ex-wife who isn’t just lingering in your boyfriend’s life but actively invading your shared space, tracking your movements, and escalating her behavior to a point that feels like stalking. It’s understandable that you’ve reached a breaking point. Your anger isn’t unreasonable; it’s a natural response to someone violating boundaries and creating stress in a relationship that should feel safe and private. At the same time, your frustration isn’t only directed at the ex. it’s compounded by seeing your boyfriend struggle to fully manage or stop her behavior, which makes you feel powerless and emotionally triggered.

What stands out most here is the need for clear boundaries and a unified approach between you and your boyfriend. While he has asked her to stop, the continued harassment shows that words alone aren’t enough. You both need to strategize together: limiting her access to information about your lives, tightening privacy on social media, possibly involving legal steps like a restraining order, and consistently presenting a united front when she shows up unannounced. Right now, her behavior is successfully creating division and tension between you and your boyfriend, and the only way to stop it is to not allow her actions to dictate your emotional responses or your relationship dynamics.

It’s crucial to address your own feelings. You don’t have to “let it go” immediately, and it’s okay to acknowledge that this situation affects you deeply. The focus should be on managing your anger constructively rather than suppressing it or allowing it to harm your connection with your boyfriend. Communicating openly about your limits, fears, and needs while working together on concrete boundaries will give you both a sense of safety and control. Over time, as boundaries are enforced and the ex-wife’s influence diminishes, the anger will naturally subside, and your relationship can feel more secure again.

[Aida Omar]

This is not just an anger issue; it’s a safety issue. A woman who can chase you 1500 miles away can be mentally unstable. I think Karan will take some distance from this relationship for her mental health until her boyfriend legally ends this relationship.
And like AskApril is right, it’s most important that you two be together. If you fight each other, the ex-wife will win because that’s probably what she wants.

[Member]

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