[loveatfirstsight]

Hi April,
I had a great guy on my hands who I absolutely adored. He fell head over heels for me instantaneously ..Introduced me to the parents, booked a holiday for us, would cook for me, show me off to all his friends, buy me flowers – Literally shouted from the rooftops. He hadn’t been with anyone for over a year & was waiting to meet the right one to share his life with. (his previous long term girl friend had left him for his best friend, who he interestingly was still civil with both)
Everything moved too quickly for me as I was 3 months out out of an abusive 5 year relationship. He is also younger then me, with a DUI, had unstable living conditions at the time, amongst other things….but I really believed he was someone truly special despite the circumstances – I just needed some time. He was immersed in my life, I was just a little hesitant about immersing myself in his.

When I expressed my concerns and got overwhelmed with his enthusiasm; I somehow broke up with him (my delivery fueled with booze ) and since then he went ICE COLD.
I acknowledged my wrongdoings immediately the next day.

But he had made it clear that he knew what he wanted and he couldn’t understand how I could be so indecisive. That I could dump him one day and want him back the next. That I would stay in an abusive relationship for so long, and how I could be so awful & judgemental when I drunk (my sarcasm was left on not well received ears)
He was a hopeless romantic & I’m Australian – ‘nough said 😉
I said I needed his help in coming to terms with everything, that we can do it together and his message was clear “You need to figure this out for yourself. You need to make yourself happy. I am who I am & you need to accept me for that. When you are ready to be happy with me, please feel free to call me”

– I mean, what a guy. I respect that.

I gave it 5 days. Told him I missed him and he said he missed me too.
We spoke casually – Me initiating conversation, him still pretty distant.
He invited me to see his new home, but I was busy travelling and said I would make it as soon as I got off the plane. I made a joke about how good he was at ignoring me and keeping me guessing. He then deleted all photos of me of his social media accounts! I tried calling him multiple times. Asking him why he was mad at me. Leaving voice messages and texts saying I’m sorry if I had hurt him but to please communicate with me as I was at a loss as to how he was feeling & would like him to please acknowledge that I had feelings too.

All I got back was a passive aggressive text saying that he wasn’t mad, just disappointed that I was always too busy.
I responded that if he answered his phone we would be able to communicate better & make plans….NOTHING. (mind you this is all simplified, I think in total I called maybe 8 times, with 7 text messages and maybe 1 voicemail, something absolutely came over me, I thought SCREW IT, were in deep now)

A month went by.

He would like my photos on social media sites. So eventually, I reached out to him mentioning that something had reminded me of him lately and wishing him well. He immediately responded. Our conversation was short and sweet and to my surprise that evening he had invited me over, however I was asleep.
That weekend I initiated to meet for a walk and he agreed to the following weekend.
A couple of days later, I tried to make plans but out schedules were not meshing. (mind you he had mentioned a couple of times that I always to busy for him)

When Saturday came I told him to send me his new address & after he finished work & I had finished my dinner plans in the pm I would coming straight to see him. He obliged.
Everything was casual but he was distant. I asked how he was feeling and he said hurt. That I didn’t make him feel good about a lot of things. And things should not be so complicated so early on but however, that the good still overrode the bad. Everything still needed time. How could my feelings really have been so different in just 1 month? – Surely my doubts were the same.
I assured him that I had stopped drinking. That I was sorry for using him as a punching bag for my insecurities. That I respected him & I really thought he was special. I like you a lot. & I am turned on by his self assurance. I also said that I enjoyed hearing from him, that a text message from him makes my day & he mentioned that he was terrible with his phone (hes just not a texter, never had been) & He said he appreciated all of it & thank you.

At first he wouldn’t kiss me – Saying that it would lead into other things and that he wanted me to appreciate him more, that its not that easy to get him back
I got him to kiss me & …..to sleep with me.
at 7am I had to leave – He was not happy.

I left it a couple of days then casually reached out to him asking how his week was. He was working 7 days a week and back at school so if it took a day to respond I understood. He would ask me how I was too. Then I initiated to catch up again that weekend. Nothing.
Hey?
Nothing.
2 weeks went by I sent him another text ” Hey, I hope you’ve got a great weekend ahead. I cant help but feel a little confused as to what happened the last time I saw you? I miss you & I think about you often. I just want to know where I stand. I hope we can still keep in touch – even if its just as friends 🙂 xox”
Immediately I got a response saying that he had been extremely busy. How sorry he was & that he hadn’t forgotten about me.
I responded asking to go on that overdue walk.
NOTHING.
3 days later, after the weekend had passed I wrote to him “this is driving me crazy. Can you please just be straight with me and let me know if were gonna give this another chance? If you’re absolutely over it, there is no hard feelings I just need to know so I can move on. I want to be with you but only if the feeling is mutual.”

NOTHING – Its been 2 days.

I need to hear those words that he’s not interested. Give me what I want need to I can pack it up and move on otherwise I’m left here guessing and confused as to whether he wants me to try harder with another tactic or if he just honestly is that scared to man up give it to me straight!
Ive been given all sorts of advice:

You only want what you cant have.
he’s given you the answer in silence.
he’s immature.
he’s stringing you along for as long as you’ll let him.
find someone that appreciates you.

But I need to hear those words as I don’t know whether to try harder or not try at all- Theres something about him I tell you. He was everything I could have asked for, I just wasn’t ready then! and he makes me want to be a better person. I want to be apart of his life and I want him to be apart of mine. The moment we both set eyes on each other we knew.

Thank you Aoril xox

[AskApril Masini]

People want a particular type of closure when a relationship ends, but they don’t always get it. Some people want closure, period — and even though they have it, they refuse to accept it because it’s not what they define as closure. The thing is, when you’re dealing with two people, you’re going to have two sets of resources, two sets of standards, and two sets of feelings — and rarely do they all line up in perfect harmony.

The problem you’re having is that he’s given you closure, and you won’t accept it because it isn’t coming in the package you want it to come in. It isn’t the exact words. It isn’t clear and cold. It’s been tampered with a reunion that’s fallen short of anything but an isolated incident.

I know that you want him back, and you’re trying to get him back, but he’s hurt, and he’s decided to move on. 😥 My advice is that if you really want him back, then you have to give him the opportunity to come back. You’ve been chasing him and trying to lure him back, but it’s not working. Give it six months. Get on with your life, and focus on living healthy and happy. If he contacts you, and wants to get in touch with you, then be receptive, but don’t you be the one to do the chasing. Of course, you risk him not chasing you or even contacting you again — but unless you take that risk, you’re more likely to drive him away, if he is interested, at all, in coming back.

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things go, and if you have any other questions, let me know.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[loveatfirstsight]

Thank you April!

I really appreciate your advice and time! I needed to hear it.
……..
I had failed to mention that we had met up a handful of different occasions after our break up – us both wanting to work on things but we struggled in communicating. He came to meet my family as we already had plans to and he would visit my home as he wanted to talk about everything in person. But it never ended well – He would express his desire to have me in entirety & I would struggle with his possessiveness ( one occasion I was at bomb fire with friends and met with him after – he told me that he heard guys in the background and although he used to be a very jealous person, when he feels threatened now he wont fight he will flee )

Did I mention we almost died upon meeting one another…?
We were drawn to one another instantly with few words – I literally walked up to him and said I had to meet him, he responded saying he too had to meet me .
He took me to the nearby beach where I saw a drunk person attempting to climb down a cliff and as I reached out to him I slipped, with my man catching onto me. We fell off a 90ft cliff. The 2 of us woke up unconscious on the sand. Me with 2 broken ribs and a busted in tail bone him having knocked out his tooth. We were speechless on the way back to mine. And we stood in the shower for over an hour holding one another in silence.
The next day, when I woke up I collapsed from a concussion and immediately called an ambulance. He woke up to me being strapped to a gurney with 5 fire fighters in my room. He asked if he should be coming with me – I told him I just needed to be alone to figure this out.
When I got home from the hospital I was scared that a) my TV had been stolen & b) I would never see him again.
There was a note on my bed with his number insisting to call him immediately!
I did.
He had been driving around the hospitals looking for me but didn’t even know my whole name.

The rest is history..

Do you see why this one is so hard for me to let go?
He came into my life for some reason – we fell head over heels for each other fast and hard.
It was the little things like that he He drinks tap water and eats like a real man.

He loves to slow dance to no music…so do I.

ugh.

But I think you’re right…Before reading your advice I caved and read some inspirational quote talking about if you love someone tell them TONIGHT & live each day to the fullest.
So I texted him saying – “Even though you ignore me & it sucks, I think about you always xox Gnight”

But you’re right. The message is clear, I’ve just been refusing to listen.

Youve got to agree though I was given false hope in believing that when I was ready he would be right there waiting for me. I wouldn’t post photos of him & he would ask me why not, or that it was about time…. I just thought maybe if I proved it all now, if I changed….maybe?
He made it clear. He wanted a girlfriend BAD. He wasn’t sleeping with anyone unless he deeply cared for them and had a connection & that it had to be me. That he had been waiting for someone like me for a long time but under one condition: I am to be happy with him all the time.

Nobody is happy with anyone ALL THE TIME!!!!!

So in the first month that I knew him….

I didn’t want to meet his friends – But he is 21, I am 26…I was called a cougar and shared a beer with them…it was weird. I needed to regroup.
I didn’t want to stay in & cook, I wanted to party with my friends – But I would hope to balance!
I didn’t want to meet his family yet – But I’m open to it now!
I didn’t want to spend every day with him – But I don’t want to not see him at all!
I didn’t feel comfortable with him posting photos of me with romantic quotes – My ex is a well known/respected surfer. Hes what brought me to California. I am in his town – I needed some time to adjust and gain respect as an in individual in the community. And besides, my ex was extremely verbally abusive & would manipulate & humiliate me. I didn’t want to be run out of town – I just needed some time to be my own person.

……

I am a private person in love, a slow cooker – but I knew I hadent felt this way about anyone for a long long long time.

I had used the analogy with him once: you invited me to go jogging with you, and hey I need the exercise, id love too! but every so often check in with me cause I’m finding it a little hard to keep up. I admire your eagerness but like, maybe slow down a little? and lets get a good pace going together 🙂

I don’t believe my actions are unforgiving or excuse his silent treatment. I did PLENTY of nice gestures: I once bought him a gift that I knew he was considering buying for himself & when I gave it to me he was SHOCKED. No one had ever just bought him something for him for no reason before (which leads me to believe maybe I just pull out a super romantic gesture..no? maybe? probably not…!) – BUT I’m worth having around!

hmmm, I hope one day he misses me. I guess just I’ve got to get gone for a little while…maybe, maybe not, either way…Hopefully now that I’ve been exhausted from this chase I’ll take your advice and stop focusing on him & meet someone more my speed.

[AskApril Masini]

Wow. That’s definitely a very dramatic first meeting! 😮 But…. it doesn’t mean that this is the right time for the two of you, and while I don’t think that your age gap is a big one, I do think there’s a big difference between 21 year old guys and 26 year old women in terms of life experience, and what they each want, in general. That’s working against you.

I really do think that you should be happy for what you had, and not drag out what you don’t. Live well and be independent. Play the field, and if it was meant to be, he will seek you out in the future.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts