[Acens]

I have a problem with a girl I was in relationship for 10 months.
I start from the beginning. We met online via dating app. Two months later she wanted a relationship. Soon after that I told her that I am in love with some other girl and have been like that for 6 years. She was sad but accepted it and wanted to make our relationship work and make me fall for her. And I wanted it too very much. So for some time it was okay and it came up only occasionally. The fact that I live in the same city and same house with the other girl so I see her often but I know that this other girl have no interest in me. I said that to her many times and concentrated on our relationship. I told her right from the start that if she has any problems than she needs to tell me so we could work it out.

Also on important thing is that we live in different cities about 300 kilometers apart. The distance has never been a problem in our relationship. I tried to visit her once a month or more often if I was able. One other thing is that I have a little problem with a hip and it makes doing some things harder or going somewhere. She has repeatedly said that it doesn’t bother her. 5 months ago I wanted to break up because of this hip thing because I didn’t want to take way her active lifestyle and restrict her so she can’t to some things because of me. At that time she said that it doesn’t matter because she wants to be with me. She said that she has fallen in love with me but that time I wasn’t in love with her yet.
After that our relationship was good until about a 1,5 month ago when I became too comfortable and didn’t talk to her as much. This was the time when I felt that I am in love with her too but wanted to say that in person for the first time.

Now to the problem. About a month ago she said that it bothers her that I don’t talk to her much anymore and also said that she can’t take this other girl thing anymore. I said that am over the other girl and that she would think it over. At that time she said okay but a week later she broke up with me because of this other girl problem. Then I felt that I can’t wait anymore and said that I am in love with her. She said that her feelings are gone and she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Said she wants to be alone and rest from men. She said that but seeing her going to parties and hanging out with other guys showed that it wasn’t true.

I tried to fix it from the distance and talked about it but every time she came up with the same reasons. I asked her many times what she liked our relationship, was she happy, what were the bad things besides this other girl thing and so on. She said that she liked our relationship and was happy most of the time. And couldn’t say anything else bad about our relationship. In the end when she still blocked everything what I said I made a mistake out of desperation and started to blame her for this break up, that she concentrated on the wrong thing and that’s why she couldn’t get past this other girl thing while I could and fell in love her. Also said that all of her arguments point to that she has some other guy. That made her angry and said that it was it.

After that I had only one thing to do and that was going to her and talk face to face.
So I went without letting her know because I knew that she would have been against it. I was there for 3 days. On the first day I met her at her home. At the beginning she was the same way and blocked me and didn’t let me close to her. I cried a lot in front of her and I saw her shed a tear as well. We were together the whole day (not talking about relationship the whole time, talked about other things also). In the end she let me close to her (hold her hand, touch her, put my hand around her) and I could clearly see that she was ready to give me another chance but for some reason she couldn’t say that. First day ended with not much progress. Later that night I found out the reason why she probably was the way she was. It was because of her girlfriends. She said that her girlfriends were also angry with me and said that she should leave me. When we were together I could clearly see that she still has feelings for me and wants to be with me but her girlfriends say otherwise. On the second day we were together half a day because she wanted to be with a girlfriends and some other guy. The time we were together it became clearer that she has feelings for me (at one point her she looked at me exactly the same way when she was in love with me). That day she accepted that we can keep talking and I can show her that I am over this other girl. I said that it is good but I was afraid that she didn’t meant that and when I leave she just starts to block me again. She said that she can’t guarantee anything. In the evening she was blocking me again after being with her girlfriends. Last day we were together for 5 hours but most of the time she ignored me and didn’t show much interest. But few times she let me close to her again. I also made a proposal that now ere would be apart but in the future when she wants relationship again she would be open to try again with me. To that she said that she wants to move on with her life. When I was starting to leave she said that she thinks that it is best if we don’t talk anymore and if she wants to talk to me she writes to me but the other way around. And just before I left I said that I love her and her response was so cold and said whatever.

Two days she uploaded a photo (her and the guy sitting on the road next to each other) to Instagram with one other guy she mentioned to me who is her girlfriend’s boyfriend and she said that she would never date her girlfriend’s boyfriends.
From the facts that when we were together she became open and was ready to give me another change and it was clear she had feelings for me even though she denied it. Her feelings are just buried under this negative emotion at the moment. It feels like she lets her girlfriends make this decision for her. And it is also clear that the reason she hesitates is this other girl thing and a fear of getting hurt again. I understood all that when she said that but I don’t understand why she doesn’t give me another chance when she knows me and knows that I wouldn’t lie to her and my feelings are true.

Now I haven’t talked to her for almost a week.

So my question is that how could I get her to give me another chance? How can I get her to open up to me again so I could make my mistakes up to her and bring out the feelings in her that are suppressed?

Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like the problems in the relationship were 1) that you were interested in another girl at the same time you were dating her, and you told her about this, and also 2) that you didn’t give her as much attention as she would have liked to have had while you were dating. So if you want to win her over, now, you have to show her, over time, that you’re not seeing anyone else, want monogamy, and can give her the type of attention she wants. This may be difficult because of the distance between your homes. If you do really want to do this, it’s going to take a big commitment on your part — with no guarantee of success.

I think you’re trying to get a guarantee or a commitment before investing in the work required to give this a shot, and she’s not going to give that to you, so if you do want to try and win her back, understand it’s going to be without that guarantee or commitment from her.

Let me know if that helps, and what you decide to do.

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[Acens]

[quote=”April Masini”]It sounds like the problems in the relationship were 1) that you were interested in another girl at the same time you were dating her, and you told her about this, and also 2) that you didn’t give her as much attention as she would have liked to have had while you were dating. So if you want to win her over, now, you have to show her, over time, that you’re not seeing anyone else, want monogamy, and can give her the type of attention she wants. This may be difficult because of the distance between your homes. If you do really want to do this, it’s going to take a big commitment on your part — with no guarantee of success.

I think you’re trying to get a guarantee or a commitment before investing in the work required to give this a shot, and she’s not going to give that to you, so if you do want to try and win her back, understand it’s going to be without that guarantee or commitment from her.

Let me know if that helps, and what you decide to do.

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Thank you April for your advice.
As I said in the problem description I am over the other girl now and I am ready to commit myself totally on winning her back and making our relationship last. The reason why I told her about the other girl in the first place is that I wanted to be honest with her. I think honesty is very important in a relationship. Another question popped up while reading your answer. Is it okay to contact her now and starting to work towards showing her that she is the only one I want or should I wait? Also her birthday is coming up in a week and I was thinking of sending her flowers. Would that be okay?

[AskApril Masini]

If you’ve decided to try and win her back, go for it! 🙂 I can’t think of any reason you should wait. 😉

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[Acens]

[quote=”April Masini”]If you’ve decided to try and win her back, go for it! 🙂 I can’t think of any reason you should wait. 😉

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What about sending her flowers for her birthday? Would that be appropriate at the moment or is it too soon for that kind of thing?

[AskApril Masini]

I think flowers for her birthday is a very nice gesture. I’m not sure how she’ll respond — but I don’t think it’s too soon for you to do this if you’ve decided to give winning her back a shot!

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[Acens]

[quote=”April Masini”]I think flowers for her birthday is a very nice gesture. I’m not sure how she’ll respond — but I don’t think it’s too soon for you to do this if you’ve decided to give winning her back a shot!

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Thank you again for your advice.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂 Let me know how things go.

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[Acens]

So I sent flowers to her for a birthday and now she has not responded or said anything, not even “Thanks”. Should I be worried and try to contact her myself?
At the moment we haven’t talked for 2 weeks this sending flowers and also a handwritten letter are only contact we have had and I thought that this would be better if she is the one starting the conversation. But since she has not responded in anyway, it makes me worry. What should I do so I would not make the situation worse?

[AskApril Masini]

Since she broke up with you because she felt you didn’t give her enough attention, giving her [b]more[/b] attention might help your cause. 😉 Trying to get someone back is always tricky business, but the best way to do it is to understand why the relationship failed in the first place, and address those weak spots in the relationship. 😉 If she’s open, it will be because she sees a change in your behavior, and she’s interested. So give her a reason to see that change. 😀

Let me know if that helps, and please check in with me and tell me how things go.

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[Acens]

Well, now there is probably nothing I can do to win her back. I started talking to her, asked about how she has been, how her birthday went and so on. At some point I asked her if it is okay if we would stay friends. She said that she wants to move on with her life and when we would be friends then she couldn’t. In the end she said that for her I am the past and she doesn’t want to be friends and never talk to me again. It was hard to see her say these things and that she has got over me so fast as if our relationship didn’t meant anything to her. See told me to leave him alone and so our conversation ended.

As I see it, no matter what I do now or in the future won’t make her want me to be part of her life.
I know that I should probably get over her now, but I don’t know how. I am kind of person who doesn’t fall in love easily, but when I do it is very strong love that I can’t just get over.

I don’t know what to do.

[AskApril Masini]

I think that without your realizing it, she’s given you a gift. You don’t see it now, but when someone is not right for you because they’re not interested, cutting off like this makes it much easier for you to move on and find love that is not just one way, but two way. 😉 The best way to get over her is to focus on your own life, and meeting new people, doing new things, living healthfully and enjoying what you love in life.

Breakups hurt. There’s no way around that. But if you look forward, and not backwards, as difficult as that is, you will find love again. 🙂

Please let me know how things go.

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[Acens]

Hi again,

There has been unexpected development. On my birthday she started talking to me even though she previously said that she doesn’t want me in her life. On that day she was pretty open minded and didn’t seem mad or anything. After that suddenly she became very protective and indifferent.
I have not talked about a breakup or anything else negative, only tried to focus on positive things and just building a new foundation. I have made a few compliments and brought up on happy memory from the beginning of our relationship. See felt really indifferent all of a sudden and i don’t know why. Good thing is that she is not actually against talking to me at the moment. I asked a few times if I bothered her when it seemed that she had something more important to do and she said no.
I have already acknowledged and prepared myself that getting past her defenses will take a lot of time, work and patience.
I wanted to ask you if you could give me some tips on how to make getting past her defenses smoother and things that I should avoid?

Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you want to win her over, and I think you understand that if that is going to happen, it will take time. 😉 Here are a few tips that might help you:

* Women love men who are confident, successful, smart and funny. So the more you can be those things, the better. That requires working on your own life, and it will also make you more attractive to other women, as well.

* You mentioned early on in this string of posts that you lived in the same house as the woman you told her you were in love with. I’m not sure why you were living with this other woman, but it’s probably a good idea not to. I don’t know if that means moving out or what…. but if you’re living with a woman — someone you were in love with — it’s going to be hard for any woman to feel confident in a relationship with you, so I think your housing needs some attention. 🙂

* If you have mutual friends or circumstances where she might hear about how great you’re doing, she’ll think twice about you. 😉 When someone talks about you in a positive way, it’s almost like an advertisement for you! 😀 So be the boyfriend you think she’ll want, get the word out. 😀

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[Acens]

Thank you again. Btw I’m working on moving out. 😀

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