[6sidem]

Hi April,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend of just over 2 years is 22 years old. Our relationship has been far from perfect, but we love each other very much.

This past weekend she came to stay with me. One day we were laying in the bedroom hanging out and I got up to go to the washroom. On my way there, I saw a slightly crumpled small piece of paper on the floor so I picked it up to put it in the trash. When I picked it up I saw some writing on it so I unfolded it and checked it out. It was a list of names. All guys names, and it included my name, along with any guy I was aware she had ever dated. There were also a bunch of other names. I felt like I had been punched in the gut, I knew what this list was. I put it back on the ground where I found it and went about my business to see how she would react when she noticed it there. Shortly after she came out of the bedroom and, like I did, noticed it there and picked it up. I asked what it was and she said nothing, but I said I had already seen it and knew what it was. To make this more messed up, this situation had actually happened previously. Last year when we were living together, one day I needed a piece of scrap paper so I grabbed her work notepad to tear out a piece and found the same long list of guys names. I confronted her about it and she told me some ridiculous story about how it was just names of guys shes known and her and a friend were doing this at work. She swore to me that this is what it was even though I knew exactly what it was. But, because I didnt want that to be true I legitimately allowed myself to believe what she told me and completely repressed that incident. Truly hadnt thought about it since (kind of scary actually). Until this situation.

I’ll explain why this is actually a problem to me. Since late high school until now, I have been in three long term relationships (including the current one) and those three girls are the only ones I’ve had sex with. I have always felt that I’m abnormal in this way, probably because that is not the case with most 25 year old guys or at least none of my friends. I’ve never had casual sex, never had a one night stand, never hooked up, etc. I’ve just always ended up in these long relationships. When I started dating my girlfriend, I knew without a doubt that she had slept with more people than me. First off shes had 3 or 4 boyfriends, and shes a very attractive girl who enjoys partying. So I always knew that was more than likely the case, but I did not want to know the number. At some point I told her that she could ask me, but I did not want to know for her. But now I basically do. I did not take the time to memorize every name or even count, but it must have been 15-20. She told me this is something shes very ashamed of, yet the list writing came about because she was sharing that information on two occasions with a friend at work. The main reason why it makes me feel shitty, and I told her this, is because it makes me feel like relative to her im some immature little virgin. For context, I do not feel inadequate sexually in our relationship, I know she enjoys having sex with me because it is both obvious at the time and she tells me often. But knowing that she has been with so many people and I’ve been with 3 is really messing with me. I know that hooking up with a bunch of girls is not actually such a great thing, but thats how society makes us believe guys should be and its certainly how my friends are. It makes me feel like a loser that I’ve never at least experienced that. Even prior to this situation I’ve always felt like this is something I’ve missed out on. All that being said, I know that if my girlfriends sexual history was more similar to mine I wouldnt feel this way. I also think about the fact that shes 22, shes been in our relationship for over 2 years, another one for 1 year and another during high school for at least 1 year. If you do the math on that…it doesnt leave a lot of time since losing her virginity to be having all that sex. I told her that I dont care about her past and I’m trying very hard to convince myself of that. Im trying to convince myself that I dont think differently about her.

Please, if you could offer any advice.

[AskApril Masini]

This has more to do with [i]your[/i] past than it does with hers. 😉 Her sexual history makes you feel inadequate about your own — but it’s difficult for you to not lash out at her for having had so many sexual partners, rather than consider the legitimate reason why you had the number of partners you had. It doesn’t sound like she’s cheated on you — you just don’t like the past that she brought to the relationship. You can’t really change her past, so if you can’t find a way to be okay with your sexual history and the discrepancy between the number of sex partners you each had, then you should try to date someone who is more compatible with your history.

Consider other pasts people bring to relationships. For instance you may be rich and fall in love with someone who is poor. Or vice versa. Many people want to date and marry someone with a similar socio-economic background. Others are okay with differences. Or education — sometimes one person will be very well educated, academically, and the other person won’t be. For many couples, they can make it work when one person has a PhD from an ivy league university and the other is a high school drop out — but other couples can’t. If you can’t make your historical sexual discrepancies work, then you should find someone with whom you’re more compatible.

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