[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months, and I love him to bits. We were already best friends when we became a couple and the whole thing just seemed so perfect. We’ve had a really solid relationship and we were talking about our future together and everything looked rosy. Then, about four months ago, he was told that he has cancer and that it didn’t look very good. He started treatments, and he hasn’t had many side effects. It seemed that although he was scared, he was keeping his spirits up.

Then, a few weeks ago, he started to become more and more distant. He’s never been the type to talk about his problems. He prefers to keep everything bottled up inside. Now I’m worried that he’s heading towards depression. Then again, he keeps up with his social obligations – he goes to football practice, work, meets his family and friends on the weekends. He doesn’t seem very interested in doing anything with me, though. He stops by, stays for a little while during which he barely speaks to me.

So, as I said, I’m worried about him starting to feel depressed. Or maybe he doesn’t have the emotional energy to be with me anymore, and he just doesn’t have the heart to dump me. I [i]think[/i] he still loves me. Although it’s been a while since he really did anything to show it. Deep down I think he’s overwhelmed right now and needs to come to terms with his illness, and the fact that he might die, before he can start focusing on things outside himself again. But if being in a relationship isn’t something he really feels able to at this point, then I would understand that too. I don’t want to make things more difficult for him. I can’t begin to imagine what the inside of his head must look like right now. At the same time, the uncertainty is eating me up. I don’t mean that to sound selfish, really I don’t. I’m mostly just scared for him. But I also wonder if [i]I’m[/i] becoming depressed from all this. I can’t sleep properly, I’m not able to focus on my work. All I do is worry about this.

I’m so scared of this disease and of losing him.

I think I might be unable to see things clearly, so I could really use some advice…

[kai]

that’s really intense… i think he’s having a hard time dealing with the situation and that he really, really needs you o be there for him. if he’s acting distant i don’t think it has anything to do with him not loving you, he may feel badly about the situation and his illness and think you deserve better.

don’t dump the guy. he needs you.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend were only together for two months before he was diagnosed with cancer, and you

[Anonymous]

He’s 27 and I’m 29, which is still much to young to be told that you’re most likely dieing. It’s a football team built up of accountains and lawyers and such 😀

Anyway.. the situation has changed. We had a talk today and he basically said that he love me, but the idea that it can’t end well makes him depressed. He also says that he doesn’t want to lose me. We’ve agreed to still be friends. We even agreed that we’re still doing our movie-night this weekend, the way we had originally planned. Maybe it would make more sense for me to walk away, but I can’t. I love him with all my heart. I’m clinging on to hope that this is the trauma of his illness talking and that he’ll change his mind. If he doesn’t…I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when/if I get to it.

He still hasn’t told any of his family or friends about what’s happening to him. I don’t really think he’s planning to say anything until he absolutely can’t hide it anymore. I know that whatever pain I’m feeling now must be completely dwarfed by what he’s going through, and the idea that if I leave, he’ll be dealing with that all by himself, scares the hell out of me. I just wish I knew if I was doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

A quick update…

I think I woke up a different person this morning, in a way. My thoughts seems to have sorted themselves a lot during the night.

I realise that I’ve spent my time being happy vs being scared/misearble in a ratio of about 1:10 the past few weeks. Him building walls around himself through this and my not knowing what he was thinking, had me tip-toeing around on eggshells, scared to say or do the wrong thing. There wasn’t much intimacy about this subject, whatever his reasons for not wanting to talk about it. As a friend, I can deal with that.

As a girlfriend, it was ripping me apart. I do love him. However, I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I’ve been so overwhelmed by fear and insecurity I think I lost that somewhere along the way. Maybe that’ll change down the line. I don’t know. Now that we’ve put the relationship aside, we’re much more comfortable with eachother. We’ve talked more in the past ten hours than we have in the past month.

Maybe he’ll change his decision down the road, but the truth is, I’m not sure I want to go back into a relationship. If he suggests that, I don’t see it working out unless he gets professional help to deal with things. Otherwise it’d probably be the same thing all over again the next time the doctors give him bad news.

I realise that I might need help myself. Well… not just -might-. I’ll get it.
But for now, I’m going to wait until the pizzaplace opens, order something that’ll ruin my figure and just sit on the couch with my dog (who is way to big to be a lapdog but who likes to think that she is anyway) and vegetate with a pile of dvds.

And you know what else? As terrified as I’ve been about losing my boyfriend…. I’m relieved that its over. It’s been so much more draining that I knew. Mostly I’m just glad I didn’t lose my friend

[Ask April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Anonymous]

Wow, I had completely forgotten all about this thread, until I received an email notification that you had commented.

Okay, an update… Brace yourself, lol. It’s been quite a while and a lot has happened. By complete coincidence I discovered that my ex had A) been separated from a wife I had NO idea that he had, and B) he’d started seeing her again, soon after he started dating me. The way I found out, was that I texted him one morning and she had his phone. I guess her spidey senses were tingling, because she started chatting. Before long we were well into unraveling that demented ball of yarn. What he said happened was that he “was not ready to have me think badly of him” and so he made up terminal cancer, which would account for when his behavior was “off.” He really went all-out to build up this lie, telling me about his treatments in detail (boy must have done a helluva lot of googling) and making up a treatment schedule to explain his being missing in action whenever he was with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been planning to “die” at some point.

The aftermath was really tough. I was diagnosed with PTSD and spent a lot of time getting through that. I chocked up his weird behavior to his being ill – because he seemed perfectly normal before that – but now I believe that he had some sort of malignant personality disorder. There weren’t actually any worrying red flags until after he claimed to have cancer. He internet stalked me a bit for a couple of years after I stopped talking to him, but I think he’s mostly gone now.

Luckily, I’ve now been married to a perfectly lovely guy for two years and we have a little girl. I traded way, way, WAY up from my crazy ex. Life is good.

[Ask April Masini]

Wow. 😯 It’s so good to hear from you after a few years — and while it’s very shocking to hear that your boyfriend made up his cancer diagnosis, and forgot to mention his wife 🙄 — I’m so glad things worked out for you. Congratulations on your marriage and your daughter, and I hope you’ll keep in touch! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

That’s a heartbreaking situation and it makes sense that you’re hurting so deeply. What you’re describing is an emotional collision of love, fear, and helplessness, all at once. You care about him profoundly, and yet you can feel him pulling away and you don’t know if that’s because of the illness, depression, or because his feelings are changing. That kind of uncertainty is brutal.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like your boyfriend is in survival mode. When people receive a serious diagnosis like cancer, many cope by shutting down emotionally not because they don’t care, but because they literally don’t have the mental space or energy to manage both their illness and the emotional needs of others. Pulling away from the person closest to them can sometimes be a defense mechanism: “If I detach a little, I won’t hurt them as much if something happens.” Or it can be that he simply doesn’t know how to process what he’s going through, and withdrawing feels safer than opening up.

The fact that he still engages with work, friends, and football suggests he’s not entirely shut down but what you’re feeling is real, too. You’ve become part of this fight alongside him, but no one’s tending to your emotional exhaustion. It’s not selfish to admit that you’re scared, lonely, and worn down. You can love someone who’s ill and still be grieving the loss of closeness and communication you once had. That grief doesn’t mean you’ve stopped supporting him it just means you’re human.

Right now, what might help is this: Give him gentle space without disappearing. Send short, caring messages “I’m thinking of you,” “I hope today’s a bit lighter” without pressing him for more than he can give. It shows love without pressure.

Have one calm, honest talk. If he seems open at all, tell him that you understand how hard this is for him and that you don’t expect him to be emotionally strong all the time. Let him know you just want to understand what he needs space, support, distraction and that you’re willing to adjust.

Find support for yourself. Caregivers and partners often develop depression or anxiety when facing a loved one’s illness. Talking to a counselor, joining a support group, or even confiding in close friends can make a huge difference. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Take care of your body and mind. Eat, sleep, and give yourself breaks from worry. Your strength depends on those basics. You’re not selfish for needing reassurance or clarity. You’re a loving partner in pain, trying to do right by someone who may not have the capacity to meet you halfway right now. If you’d like, I can help you write a message or conversation opener that gently tells him what you’re feeling one that’s compassionate but not overwhelming for him. Would you like me to do that?

[PassionSeeker]

Oh wow… Maya here and that story just broke my heart and lifted it all at once. What you went through must’ve been shattering the worry, the grief, the helplessness, and then finding out that it was all built on a lie. That kind of betrayal is deep because it didn’t just break trust it distorted your entire sense of reality for a while.

But you didn’t let it destroy you. You healed. You built something real, stable, and safe with someone who actually shows up for you no lies, no hidden lives, no cruel games. That’s incredible, and it says everything about your strength.

It’s wild how sometimes the worst kind of heartbreak pushes us toward a life we never imagined one where peace, love, and truth finally feel normal.

Hold onto that peace. You’ve earned it. And honestly, I’m proud of you. Most people never make it that far after trauma like that but you did.

[Marcus king]

You’re not being selfish you’re being human. When someone you love faces something as heavy as cancer, it shakes your sense of safety, too. And when that person starts pulling away, it leaves you feeling helpless and unwanted on top of everything else.

Here’s the thing: people handle illness in different ways. Some cling tighter, others retreat because they don’t want to burden anyone or show weakness. From what you said, your boyfriend sounds like the second type he’s still functioning in public but shutting down emotionally where he feels most vulnerable: with you.

Right now, the best move isn’t to chase his attention but to anchor yourself and offer calm presence. Let him know gently, without pressure that you care, that you’ll give him space if he needs it, but you’re still there. Then shift some focus back to you: lean on friends, see a counselor, rest. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Love him, yes but protect your peace, too. This chapter is about endurance, not control.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… this one’s heavy 💔 and no amount of sass fixes cancer. he’s not pulling away ‘cause he stopped loving yo, he’s just drowning in fear, and sometimes people go quiet when life gets that dark. he’s trying to control something in a world that suddenly feels out of control, and sadly, that “something” is distance. you can love him through it, but you can’t save him from it. , don’t forget you need care too. you can’t pour from an empty heart. this isn’t about being strong, it’s about being gentle both with him and yourself. 💔✨

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