You have a big heart, but you have to start thinking with your brain. Addiction is a complicated and serious way of life that is different than yours, as a non-addict. Relapse is part of the process. There are addicts who can stay clean for life, but most of them have re-lapses when their issues are triggered.
When you broke up with him three years ago because he relapsed, you missed him — and that’s normal. Even people who are divorced for many years miss their ex-spouses because the time together wasn’t all bad. But that doesn’t mean that they should be together. The tough questions you need to ask yourself are: Is this a man I want to spend the rest of my life with GIVEN WHO HE IS? Is this someone you want to have children with? What will you do if you have young children and he relapses?
Addicts often find enablers to have relationships with because the enablers excuse the addict’s behavior. You are putting your emotions ahead of what’s right for you as a woman and a future wife and mother.
My advice is that this guy may be wonderful, but he needs help that you can’t give him. He needs professional help. And this is a lifelong process for him. If you want to devote your life to his process, because it will be very hard for you to have your own life given his relapses, then he’s your guy. But if you want to have children down the line, you’d probably do better to miss him, but find a man who is more stable and able to give you a consistent and reliable life.
I know this is complicated and your heart is telling you something your brain isn’t, but deep down you know the answer, and that’s why you wrote me — to tell you what you already know. 😉 You just needed to hear it from someone else.
Good luck to you and I do wish your friend luck in his recovery, too.
Hope to see you on Twitter @AskAprilcom.
