[elysesmith]

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for roughly a year. We love each other and we have talked about being together forever. Last night, I made the mistake of bringing up marriage and kids. Even worse, I brought it up over text. I already know, that was a mistake. I made it clear that I was referring to in the future, but I just wanted to know what direction we were headed in and I wanted to know if we had the same goals. He got really weird about it. The conversation crashed and burn. He was just trying to get off the subject and I kept pushing it. I just wanted to make it clear to him that marriage and kids is something in my future that is very important to me and if he can’t give it to me, then that’s a problem. He said that we just should concentrate on our relationship now, which has been going very well. Anyways, he was kind of contradicting himself and I was getting irritated. Finally, I said that every girl wants to be that special girl that a guy wants to marry someday…and if he doesn’t want me to be that person, then I don’t know if I can be with him anymore. Of course, I love him and I want to be with him; I was just hoping he would realize how much it meant to me. Instead, he started ignoring me. I will admit, I was being pretty annoying with way too many texts and eventually way too many calls. Now, it has been 24 hours since he has said anything to me. He has completely ignored me. Obviously, I freaked him out. So, I’ve texted him apologizing for bringing it up and pushing the subject and I said I accept the fact that he’s not ready to talk about that kind of stuff. Still, nothing. I know he needs space, clearly…but is he just taking some time to himself to think or does he want to break up with me? I am so confused because our relationship has been so good lately and we really love each other a lot…what should I do and think?!?!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[elysesmith]

I am 21 and he will be 25 in a month. He still hasn’t contacted me; now, its been roughly a day in a half.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for filling me in on your ages. 🙂

You’re right — he’s taking time to decide to stay or go. My advice is to give him the space to make that decision, and….. for next time: Never bring up something important, like his views on marriage and children, in a text. 😕 Second, during the course of dating, figure out his feelings about marriage and children before you invest too much time. If you want to get married and have children within in the next year, then you need to make sure you don’t waste your time dating men who are incompatible with you. But don’t wait a year, and then text him your goals. 😳 You snuck up on him with this, and you also took any opportunity he had to feel like he was bringing it up, away from him. There are ways to finesse conversations and present questions so they’re not third degree interrogations. Learn how to do this, and you’ll be a lot happier. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[elysesmith]

Thank you for your response! From now on, I am definitely going to try my best to approach situations in a better way. As far as marriage and kids, I definitely do not want to do that within the next year, as I am still in college and want those things years down the road, which I made clear to him. I have been giving him his space, but how long do I let this go on for, because it is driving me crazy not knowing what’s going on. 🙁 Is there anything in this situation that I can do to make it better? I have already apologized; I don’t know what else to do. Is this really something that could end our relationship…even though our relationship has been going great besides this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] As far as marriage and kids, I definitely do not want to do that within the next year, as I am still in college and want those things years down the road, which I made clear to him.[/quote]

If you don’t want marriage and kids for years, then why did you bring it up and push him on the subject? It really feels like you were trying to get him to break up with you. 😳 Clearly, this wasn’t a subject that deserved a text, a fight or the attention and energy you’ve given it, based on what you just wrote. 😕

[quote] I have been giving him his space, but how long do I let this go on for, because it is driving me crazy not knowing what’s going on. [/quote]

You give him space for as long as he needs it. And you need to realize that you DO know what’s going on. You pushed him away, and now you want him to come back. What’s making you crazy isn’t that you don’t know what’s going on because you do — what’s making you crazy is that he isn’t responding to you the way you want him to, and that’s been the problem with this relationship from very early on. You want things to be a certain way. He’s not doing what you want him to, so instead of compromising, understanding, being clear with him or moving on because you’re too different, you create drama and act passive aggressively. 🙁 🙁 It’s time to back off and accept that there are consequences to behavior. You’ve pushed him away. Now you have to see if he’s coming back or not. But in the meantime, you should keep busy with other things.

[quote]Is there anything in this situation that I can do to make it better? [/quote]

No. I honestly think you’ve blown it here. You need to learn from your mistakes and change your behavior for future relationships. If he does come back and wants to continue to date you, you’ll get a second chance, but there’s nothing to do now, but stay busy and not focus on controlling the situation. 😳 You need to let go, feel badly about what you did, and decide how you’re going to do things differently starting today! 😉 You’re making this all about him, when really, it’s about you. You have a lot of power over your life, but if you make mistakes, they are not always reparable. Sometimes they’re permanent so you can get the lesson!

[quote]I have already apologized; I don’t know what else to do. Is this really something that could end our relationship…even though our relationship has been going great besides this?[/quote]

Just because you apologize, doesn’t mean he has to accept your apology or forgive you. And your apology doesn’t take away the behavior which he’s evaluating. I know you think that the relationship was going great, but you can’t control what he thinks and feels, and he’s going to make his own decision about what he wants to do.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[elysesmith]

You have really good advice and you are opening up my eyes. He just called me back and said he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is sick of me not trusting him and he doesn’t want me to bring up marriage and kids when it is not relevant to our relationship now. He was pretty mean about it, but I apologized anyways because I love him and want to be with him. It is just annoying because he is acting like I am the only one who makes mistakes in the relationship…but whatever, I am just going to ignore that right now and be happy that we are still together. At this point, what is your advice for me to do now. I know I obviously need to change my ways and stop mistrusting him and forcing things on him, but initially, what do I do to break the tension from this horrible fight? How do I get things back to normal, if you know what I mean? When do you think it is appropriate for us to see each other; today, tomorrow, etc? I just need to know where to go from here so we can continue our relationship in a happy manner and get back to where we were. Thanks so much for your help thus far.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let him be the one to invite you out. And while you’re waiting, download the book I wrote for women who want to win the dating game with men, Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], for $8.99, and read it today. Really read it. Slowly. If you do what the book says, a lot of your problems will go away. 😉

[elysesmith]

Okay. Will do! Thank you again for all of your advice! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

[Member]

Posts