[Missfit]

Maybe this will end up being a straight forward post about rejection. Maybe I can only be told to suck it up and move on. But please allow me to moan.

I would like to clarify that i am a sane woman. Iv never considered myself excessively needing or demanding. Im incredibly laid back in nature. I am quite rational and thoughtful.

But for the past 2-3 years, i have only ended up having an interest in men that have suddenly given me the silent treatment and on occasions, have really left me to play out the neurotic screaming banshee.

I shall spare the full stories. But to round up:
Guy number 1: Convinced me in a whirl wind that he was the soul mate of my life. I believed him. But literally out of the blue, he blocked me out and denied what we had. 2.5 years on, this is the one that hurts the most.
Guy number 2: I wasn’t treated too well during a long distance relationship. Communication was meant to be important. But we failed on this ground. Once again, i was left feeling angry, with many tears tinted with “i tried.”
Guy number 3: My first actual date with a complete stranger in a couple of years. We certainly had some chemistry. But his father died on the day of our first date. I obviously have no right to be disappointed that things haven’t worked out. But he has gone into shut down mode ans doesn’t want much more to do with me (despite keeping his dating profile up for “friends.)

Im struggling to let go. Im struggling to not need a big bang and a definite ending. Im struggling without being given a chance. But im mostly still struggling with the silence with each new man. Im done with every method in book to resolve things. But i am now the one who feels broken. I do feel crazy. I sometimes believe i am the pathetic one.

I feel like i should be telling myself not to date. But I’m only human.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

I can help you! First of all, dating is a numbers game, and if you’ve had three relationships that didn’t work out in as many years, then my suggestion is to ramp up your numbers. Definitely make sure that you play the field and use the three month/six month rule I suggest: Use the first thee months of dating someone to decide if you want to continue dating them, meanwhile, playing the field, and if you do want to continue, use the six month mark to decide if you want to be monogamous. This will give you better odds of someone you’re dating being your Mr. Right.

Second, date smart. And really get to know someone during the first three and six months of dating. For instance, on guy number, one…. whirlwind romances are great. They’re fun, exciting and romantic. But…. when you get into something quickly, it can dissolve just as quickly. Remember that. And you have a responsibility to decide if someone is your soul mate or not. You are not a victim who is willing to be convinced of soul-mate status — you are a responsible person who is required to figure this out for herself! Dating should be fun — but you should be working your dating program to make sure you stay on track and meet your dating goals!

Your second relationship had bad communication, and that’s not typically a deal breaker…. it’s usually an event that is a deal breaker, and the bad communication exacerbates the problem…. And your third relationship doesn’t sound like a relationship as much as a couple of dates that didn’t really lead to anything. If he’s keeping his dating profile online, that’s a big clue that he’s not that into a committed relationship with you. Don’t despair, but don’t ignore it, either. Online dating is competitive, and it’s actually great when a guy is clear with you (even if it’s something like keeping his dating profile online), because then you have information that you can use. When you ignore the information at hand, that’s your denial — not his dishonesty.

I would love to see you use this new year to approach dating with a new outlook. Play the numbers game. Smile and flirt with 20 new men each week (yes, keep a list). And don’t commit to anyone someone you’re dating simply because you’re dating. Be clear about what you’re looking for and don’t stay with someone for the sake of inertia. Be proactive — and I bet, as intelligent as you are, you’ll be successful!

[Missfit]

Before i really ponder your answer, may i ask what advice you would give to someone who lives in a rural location? I have no issue with joining clubs & groups to meet people. But i have chosen to only date half a dozen men in this time because of their quality.

Im not the type of girl to wink at as many frogs as i can just for my own kicks.

[AskApril Masini]

Good question. It’s definitely harder to meet people if you live in an area where there are simply fewer people to meet! That said…. you have to be even more careful not to get involved with someone who isn’t a good match, and is a waste of both of your time. I don’t know how old you are or why you’re living in a rural area, but you might want to consider moving or staying and being super resourceful to make sure you know everyone in your rural area who is available and compatible! Long distance relationships are tough under normal circumstances, but they can work if you’re very careful about honesty, vetting and understanding that you shouldn’t conduct the entire relationship online.

Winking at frogs for your kicks wasn’t exactly what I had in mind…. if you’re having trouble meeting people because you’re not putting yourself out there, smiling, making small talk, flirting and yes — simply smiling at people, can get the conversation going. It’s also a good idea to be open to looking beyond your “type” if you’re having trouble finding men to date or having trouble with the men you do date.

Sometimes you have to look beyond what you are doing and the way you see yourself, in order to expand on what isn’t working.

[Missfit]

That a little condradictory. Being careful with my matches is exactly what i do. I dont wink at every frog remember?

I had recently joked in my head about moving just so that i can meet more people. But its quite a pathetic reason to move, especially when compared to the existing commitments i have here already.

It has been my decision to start getting mentally involved with men. Regardless of the time frames involved, i am finding it difficult recently. I take every split very personally. I asked for advice on handling rejection. Im not yet convinced that lowering my standards to find more dates and simply smiling more will help myself or society itself haha

[AskApril Masini]

I think it’s great that you’re processing all of this! So let’s go a little deeper so you can see that I’m not intending contradiction in my advice.

When you wrote that you “don’t wink at every frog for your own kicks” — I should have clarified, that I’m not suggesting you wink at “frogs”. There are lots of great men out there who you may think of as “frogs”, but who are really great guys that you hadn’t considered before because they don’t fit your type. You call them frogs — I’m suggesting they’re outside your idea of what’s compatible. When you characterize men as frogs before you meet them, you’re cutting them off and cutting yourself off. You may be surprised at someone you smiled at on the street — who turns out to be someone amazing!

And I don’t intend for you to do this for kicks at all! Yikes! I’m very serious about dating and relationships, and so when I suggested your opening up with smiling, flirting and making small talk with men that was just a part of the process that gets you to be a little more open minded and a little more available. Taking these steps isn’t intended as a way for you to lower yourself…. it’s a way of casting a wider net. I can understand how you might find this disdainful because you have an idea of how relationships work — which involves getting mentally involved. But you wrote me because that wasn’t working, and you’re upset about the outcomes. I’m suggesting a different approach. Think about it again, and maybe you won’t find it contradictory — just different. Consider it this way…. if you’re an academic who wants to apply to a competitive law school, you wouldn’t set your sights on just one. Because the risk of failure is too high. You’d apply to several, at the very least, and if you’re smart you’d have some back ups that you know you’d be happy attending. That’s a way of playing the numbers game, I was talking about. Dating and relationships are complicated and competitive, and you have to look at them in a different way than you have. Unlike academic admissions, you’re not going to apply to a school by a set deadline and hear from an admissions board, so you have to consider every day the admissions process! Being open, friendly, flirty and accessible is a way to attract possibilities. I’m not suggesting you date everyone you smile at — but I am suggesting that since you’re unhappy with your yield, you focus on increasing that. I know you don’t want to date “frogs” — but dating is about finding men who are compatible with you, and since yield is your first issue, I was addressing that. We can talk about the next steps if you want, like being “mentally involved” with men — and I’ll take my cues from you on that arena, but for now, just know that being mentally involved with a man is not enough. Successful relationships that go the long run involve very banal and pedantic arenas — like family dynamics, money, loyalty, health, career, sex, and the way you both want to live day to day. They also involve emotional and social backgrounds and abilities to compromise, be generous, share children, religion and household chores.

And by the way, you joked about moving to a place where there are more men to date as “pathetic” — but if you’re serious about having a relationship, that’s not pathetic at all! It’s practical. Problem solving in mathematics or social policy isn’t that different from problem solving in relationships. Address the problem, consider solutions, try the most viable while considering the risks. Easier said than done!

And lastly, smiling at strangers actually DOES help society. It’s a small step, but you have no idea how much you can make someone else’s day — and your own, as well — by adopting this attitude and seeing what happens next. It’s got very little down side, I would hope, and it’s free, not fattening and you can always stop doing it if you want. If you do write back, let me know how old you are and what it is that brought you and keeps you in this rural area where there fewer men to date. And of course, if you have any other questions, please let me know. I’d like to help!

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