[Anonymous]

I just don’t get it…I have just broken up with my boyfriend after a couple of years because, although he says he loves me- there is just no indication of it. We are both in our 30’s. He is constantly late….he has tried to get better at this and is on average only a hour or so late rather than 3 or 4; he takes me out for the night and completely ditches me for up to 3 hours knowing I don’t know a soul and sitting on my own; he has stayed at my house for almost a year and has not paid me a cent ( i am a single mom how works full time) he says he’s not living with me because he showers at his moms and most of his stuff is there; he doesn’t help cook or clean ( mind you he does hoover now and again and mowed my lawn a few times this summer), he only has sex with me when I get tearful and tell him his actions are making me feel insecure and like I don’t matter to him- so approximately every 6 weeks we have sex but not really with touching-its weird; he went away for 5 months at the beginning of our relationship( works as a singer on a cruise ship) and brought me back nothing ( I feel horrible for saying that and have never mentioned it to him-i feel embarrassed he never thought to); the whole time he was away he told me I wasn’t to go out, that I cause too much trouble-I am actually the squarest most middle class person he knows and have never had a problem with anyone in my life. His friends say he adores me- i just don’t get it. I could go on and on about the disinterest he shows me…you would all think I was nuts for staying but then he says he loves me. I don’t get it…..I have a past of abusive relationships and feel that I sometimes bring this on myself by trying to communicate with people about my feelings and be understanding and try and build a relationship when really- like my friends say -they would have told him to get lost after he came home with nothing after being away for 5 months. My friends say that when someone upsets me I should show them how mad /upset I am by lashing out or getting them back….that all that communication stuff just doesn’t work…I’m just not like that…I absolutely hate arguing and aggression. So am I forced to be relationships like this forever??? My friends all have decent guys that treat them well – the men are a little whipped though. I just want a life companion who really cares about me. I think I need to change….feeling down about myself. 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

You don’t [i]have[/i] to be a victim. In fact, I’d ask you to stop being a victim today! Here are some good rules of thumb, specifically for you, based on what you’ve written me.

First of all, if a guy ditches you on a date or at a party for more than 30 minutes, let alone 3 hours, don’t go out with him again. Got that?

Second, don’t allow any man to live in your house with you and your children unless you’re married to him. Easy, right? “No,” is your friend. Use it.

Third, if a guy will only have sex with you because you get tearful, ditch him immediately. Why would you spend any time with such a loser? “I’m breaking up with you right now, so goodbye,” is all you have to say.

Fourth, when a man says, “I love you,” it doesn’t mean he means it. It means he’s able to say those words. Pay attention to his behavior, not his words. If you can’t, get some ear plugs. They’re cheap and every drugstore sells them. 😉

You are not “forced” to through these kinds of relationships — you CHOOSE to go through them. Make the choice today to stop. You’re not a victim — quit acting like one. Go dump your boyfriend TODAY and start life as a woman who has choices, knows it, and takes responsibility for them. 🙂

[Member]

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