[kayla_newstart]

I moved 1,300 miles two years ago for him because he wanted to find his daughter. We’ve been together almost five years and have two kids. At first I thought it was an adventure and a chance to build a life together. Instead it’s felt like a slow unravel. We fight constantly, he lies, and lately he acts like he can “do what he wants” except not where I’m concerned. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m living next to a stranger.
A big blow was when his daughter, who is 26, reacted badly to me she threw my clothes away after we argued, and we haven’t seen her since. Recently I discovered he’s been secretly talking to her mother, who struggles with addiction, behind my back. When I found the number and asked, he told me not to worry. We had a huge fight; he disappeared for 12 hours and came back saying nothing. That silence cut me deeper than anything.
The hardest part is the muddled mix of love and resentment. I stay because the kids adore him and because our sex life is still amazing I won’t lie, that connection keeps pulling me back. But I worry I’m rationalizing staying for convenience. I feel trapped between doing what’s best for the kids and protecting my own sanity. I’m lonely, angry, and ashamed that something so intimate sex is the glue holding a fractured home together.
I need blunt advice: is this a healthy relationship? If it isn’t, how do I begin to untangle myself while protecting our children? If I try to fix things, what real changes should I demand and watch for? I don’t know whether to hold on and fight for the family or to start planning a way out.

[Love Archivist]

Oof… that sounds really painful. You’ve already made a huge sacrifice, and being lied to or having things hidden from you is not okay. Love should feel safe, not like walking on eggshells.

Ask yourself honestly: does he respect you, value you, and make you feel secure? Moving 1300 miles shows your commitment—but that commitment should be reciprocated. If he’s hiding things or lying, it’s a sign the relationship isn’t built on trust, and that’s a dealbreaker for most healthy, lasting partnerships.

Protect yourself. You deserve honesty, respect, and someone who makes you feel loved—not anxious or uncertain. It’s okay to step back and put your well-being first, even if it’s painful.

[Ethan Morales]

Alright, straight-up, no fluff: you traded your life (and safety net) for this relationship, and right now it’s not paying you back. Lies, secret contacts, disappearing for twelve hours, those aren’t romantic flaws. They’re trust killers. Sex and the kids’ attachment aren’t enough reason to keep living like you’re on edge.

Here’s exactly what I’d do, practical, immediate, and honest: First: short-term survival steps (do these now) Protect the basics. Make copies (or photos) of IDs, birth certificates, passports, bank info, lease/mortgage papers, kids’ school records. Put them somewhere only you can access.

Get some money aside. Even a small emergency stash in a separate account or with a trusted friend/family member gives you options. Document everything. Dates, times, texts, disappearances, lies. This matters later, emotionally and legally. Build a support net. Tell at least one trusted friend or family member what’s happening. You don’t have to go public, but don’t be isolated.

Second: demand clear change and give one real consequence .Tell him exactly what you need and what will happen if nothing changes. Don’t negotiate the consequence after, enforce it. Say something like: “You lied, you hid conversations, and you disappeared for 12 hours. That’s not acceptable. I need honesty and transparency about contact with your daughter and her mother, no more disappearing, and couples counseling starting in two weeks. If you won’t do that, I’ll begin making plans for my safety and the kids’ stability.”

If he agrees, set the timeline and book the first couples session yourself. If he refuses or promises and doesn’t follow through, take that as the answer. Third: what to expect if he’s serious vs. not serious Real change looks like: immediate accountability; consistent communication; he shares phone logs/contacts willingly; shows up for therapy; stops secretive behavior; takes responsibility rather than gaslighting you. Not serious looks like: excuses, minimization, continuing secrecy, emotional stonewalling, or blaming you. That’s pattern; not a phase.

Fourth: think about the kids and reality Staying “for the kids” is noble-sounding but can backfire. Kids need stability and a home where adults aren’t constantly on edge. Chronic lying and disappearance models instability. If he truly fixes this, great. If not, you’ll be doing the children a favor by creating a calmer, safer environment, even if it means separation. Fifth: legal & practical next steps if you leave Talk confidentially with a family-law attorney about custody and your rights (many offer free consults). Keep kids’ best interests front and center in any plan. Consider a staged exit plan: timeline, savings goal, temporary housing option, school continuity for kids. If you fear escalation or safety risk, call local domestic-violence resources for a safety plan.

Sixth: protect yourself emotionally You’re carrying grief, anger, and shame that’s normal. Start therapy for yourself even if he refuses couples counseling. You need a nonjudgmental space to sort what you want vs. what you’re tolerating.

You moved 1,300 miles for him. That shows commitment, but commitment must be mutual. He’s shown patterns that break the foundation of partnership: lies, secrecy, disappearances. Sex doesn’t fix trust. The relationship is only healthy if he immediately accepts accountability and makes concrete, verifiable changes. If he won’t, start untangling yourself now for your sanity and for your kids.

If you want, I can – Draft the exact script to say to him in one conversation. Help you outline a 30-/60-/90-day plan (either for repair or for exit). Which do you want, plan to fix it, or plan to leave?

[Sweetie]

That’s a huge leap to take, and I can feel how heavy this must be. You gave so much moved, put yourself out there and now you’re questioning if it was worth it. But love should never feel like you’re carrying it alone, especially when trust feels off. You deserve honesty, not shadows. Maybe it’s time to listen to your heart and ask yourself if you’re growing in this relationship or if you’re just holding on to something that feels more like hope than reality. Don’t let your dreams get lost in someone else’s secrets.

[Ask April Masini]

How exactly did moving 1,300 miles help your partner find his daughter?

You’re clearly not happy in this union. But you haven’t figured out why or you’re not telling me why. So my advice is to take some time and really think about what’s making you unhappy here.

You said he lies. Okay, but that’s way too general. That tells me nothing. Give me specifics. What kind of lies are we talking about?

You said his daughter threw your clothes away. Well, that’s not really about him, what matters is how he reacted when it happened. And you left that part out of your post. Did he stand up for you? Did he let it slide? That’s what I need to know.

You said he secretly talks to the mother of his daughter. There’s nothing wrong with him staying in contact with his child’s mother, they share a kid together. But why is it a secret? Is it because he thinks you’ll have a problem with it?

Maybe he left for 12 hours because he needed to cool off and get away from all the fighting at home?

You also said your kids adore him. Why do they adore him? What does he do that makes them feel that way? There might be more reasons to stay in this marriage than just the sex.

Personally? I think the real issue in your relationship is how he handles his relationship with his other family.

So tell me, what don’t you like about the way he manages things with them? And what would you want to change? Once we figure that out, we can work on what to do next.

[Author]

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