[Mikeb]

Hello,
I’m having some issues with my relationship that I’m hoping someone can shed some unbiased insight on…I’m a 24 year old male, I’ve had 2 semi-serious relationships before, but nothing longer than a year. I don’t exactly have the highest self-esteem and I didn’t have a good childhood (socially speaking anyway). I was lucky enough to have amazing parents, an awesome bro and extended family though. I met my girlfriend through (our) work. She is 27, recently separated from her ex (married for 3 years), has 2 children with him and 1 with another man. I think it’s worth saying her last two relationships – particularly her last one – were abusive, both physically and mentally. She has had a rough childhood (according to her own admission anyway), including abuse of …various types from her step dad for many years. Needless to say she has had her share of bad relationships, both familial and bf/gf husband/wife etc.

— I just want to point out before I explain the situation that I’m a firm believer in the “two sides to a story” argument, and I know what my faults are and usually can pinpoint when they are a problem. —

We’ve been dating for almost 7 months at this point (as bad as it sounds, we started dating only weeks after she officially got her husband out of her house). I live with her at a house she’d been renting which I have since moved into. I’ve basically become stepdad to her kids who I love, and I could not be happier. Every day I wake up I love her even more. We’ve talked about buying a house, getting married, whatever you can think of. I didn’t think it was possible to be in love as much as we are, and yet that’s how it is. She is so attentive, sweet, kind, soft, completely unlike anyone I’ve ever met. It seems perfect but there is one major problem that always seems to creep up in one form or another – I just can’t trust her.

It’s a complicated issue but it started early into our relationship, and for the most part is financial (but not always). At the beginning it would appear in the form of mail or phone calls. Since it was fresh and new of course I’m not inspecting her mail or monitoring her calls. Mail from collectors/agencies and phone messages from banks/cash stores was how it began. I didn’t know what to think at that time but I was so caught up in how amazing it was maybe I didn’t pay enough attention… Anyway, about three months in we started to seriously look for a house (settle into, a good location for school for the kids, stop wasting money renting etc..). We found one that we liked and attempted to get approved for a mortgage. Long story short her credit rating was not good enough to come with me on a title, and my income alone was borderline able to afford what we were looking for, and I happened to not get approved. She refused at this time to show me her credit report pulled up by the bank, which began the cascade of financial issues.

Turns out her finances were in ruin due to MANY different issues. After the attempt at a mortgage, she gradually allowed me into her financial life. She showed me a brief breakdown of her credit score (which didn’t include even 75% of the individual debts she had). After a couple arguments/breakdowns she agreed to let me in on anything that I need to know (self-explanatory right? I would later realize not..). I helped her pay off some of these debts. It never really stopped though, as we continued to receive notices and calls regarding some totally new and different debt that I didn’t know about it. It happened so many times I literally am not even going to give a specific example. However, there were several instances where I was on the phone with an agency, defending her, claiming it must be fraud because there is no way she would sit here with a straight face telling me “I don’t know what this is”. Although after every phone call she would later admit it and recall some extremely vague memory that would indicate that a debt in question might be hers.

After several of the above instances and many more arguments I believe at this time we have finally tapered her financial situation down and we are at a point where we at least have everything on paper and are paying things down. This brings me to the core of the issue though which of course is that I don’t trust her. Although I will add that she comes off as very vague and secretive, and even now if I ask a sensitive question I don’t get a detailed answer, if anything at all.

She had a friend who she claimed to have played ball with some years ago who would stop at the house and inspect some of the tools (always while I was at work…) she had from her previous relationship, intending to offer her money for them. Because I can’t trust her, I basically accused her of messing around on me with this guy. Even though in my heart I know she wouldn’t, my brain was telling me “you can’t trust her, she’s always hiding something”. We got over that fortunately and I believe she did not do anything…

We don’t get collection bills in the mail anymore, but because of her financial situation and the fact that we are trying to get her out of debt, money is really tight. Recently she got a call stating that her auto insurance was expired (for 3 months) and to renew it would be over double her previous premium. She went ahead and okay’d that over the phone while I was at work (again). She told me several days later, after it was too late. Fortunately I was able to fix it, but I had to call them and go through a 2 hour argument just to cancel it (we can’t afford it) without penalty.

So, after these instances and several other minor ones… I think I finally got her to understand that all I’m expecting is honesty and that she is upfront, and not doing things behind my back. But even now there are little things that I get upset over because I’m always disappointed that she is not understanding me when I ask her to stop doing things behind my back. She wrote a $100 check to her hockey league and mailed it out without me knowing. I only found out because she was in her email and forgot to delete her “sent” folder when I asked her about a specific email (she always makes sure her email is wiped clean and deleted on a regular basis). So we got into another argument over the same thing…

—
SO. What do I do? Am I paranoid, controlling, or asking too much? At this point I have a really hard time trusting her about anything let alone her finances. I love her to death and her kids too. I almost would rather stay here, unhappy about all these issues, than leave… and just because of the love. I told her one day that I think the only way I could be 100% comfortable with at least the finances is if her payroll deposited into an account of mine which I would then use to pay bills… or give allowances. I hate that I even said that and definitely realize how awful it sounds… but at this point I’m ready to do anything to make it work. And honestly it seems like she feels the same way, but for some reason is still very secretive and even now I think she’s hiding some things.
I think the best way I can describe her is that she is the most loving, kind, gentle, generous, light-hearted and innocent girl I have ever met. At the same time however she has a mysterious side and definitely is actively hiding certain things, even from me… things that I feel I should know about because they would impact the relationship.

Any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you love her, but there are legal and financial issues that affect you — and you’re beginning to see the tip of the iceberg. Time to take a closer look.

She’s married.

Her debts are half her husband’s. And any debts he has that you may or may not know about are half hers. 😕

I know you think you’re being the good guy by paying off her debts, but you may not realize that you’re paying off her husband’s debts, too. If and when she gets divorced, the debts will be divvied up and the court will make clear which are his and which are hers and who is responsible for what. Until then, my advice is to stop paying hers and her husband’s debts. I know you want to be a nice guy, but sometimes it’s important to see the real picture more clearly first so you can make an informed decision on what you want to do and decide if it’s actually going to help or hurt in the long run.

Your idea of having her paycheck deposited into your bank account is not a good one because she’s married to another man, and your income may be imputed to her when child support is determined. It’s going to reduce the amount of support she receives for the kids from their fathers. 😕

And lastly, your instincts that she’s dishonest with you are based in your history with her, not some fantasy. If she’s just bad with money and mature enough to admit that to you, then you can definitely work with her and help her, or help her get financial help…..but if she’s dishonest about what’s going on, you’ll never be able to feel secure. That’s what’s happening. You’re not sure if the dishonesty you’re seeing with her finances extends to other areas of life. And so you’re still getting to know who she really is….

Which is why I think it’s probably not a great idea for you to be living with her and her kids because you’re not sure who she really is. Saying you’d rather stay and be miserable because she lies to you isn’t realistic. She isn’t going to want to be with a guy who’s miserable and it’s certainly not great for her kids to see a role model who’s miserable and tolerant of living with a liar.

You’re writing me because you already know that the right thing to do is very difficult. You should really move out and stop supporting her financially so you can see if she gets divorced, how she gets divorced and then learn who she is and if the two of you are compatible for the long run.

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[Mikeb]

Thanks for your reply April.

You’re right … but I’m terrified of what the consequences would be if I step back. Not to mention that it would hurt her so tremendously I would feel guilty out of my mind. She is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and I get so scared that I might lose her, not to mention her kids now… At this point I’m living here for more than just to be close to her, but I love the life we are making for each other here and it’s feeling more and more like I need it.

It doesn’t help that I’m insecure to begin with and I probably don’t even need a legitimate reason to have trust issues at this point. I’m afraid if I screw this up that I’ll have lost the one person in the world who accepts me for who I am.

I hate that I’m not able to trust her, because I love her so much… I want nothing more than to be able to believe what she says – or even better – to not even have to ask in the first place. It’s not just that she’s irresponsible with money (which she is), she is not honest about her finances, and really about a lot of things. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t hide things for malicious reasons, but for whatever reason she chooses to filter out (all of) the “negative” in her life, so I’m only exposed to the positive. I can’t blame her 100% for this, because everyone to some extent has done this at one time or another but still… Every time a guy looks at her and waves or says hi I think she’s slept with them, or every time we get a phone call asking for her I tense up and start worrying about how much she’ll owe this time.

It bugs me that while I am an open book in this relationship; she is forthright about certain things, but unimaginably vague or just outright lying (or changing the subject…) about others. I know that she is no less averse to ending or stepping our relationship back than I am, and I’ve given the ultimatum once or twice dependant on her honesty, but nothing seems to be changing.

Is this a cut-and-dry issue of “people never change, leave before you get buried”? I want to make it work and obviously I don’t want to hear that kind of answer… but is that how it is? In my heart I know her dishonesty is related to her idea of my perception of her, and to preserve (in her mind) our relationship and keep pushing it forward. How many times will I have to tell her that all I need to make this work is honesty, and that I don’t need her to filter her life for me? Or maybe a better question to ask is that if she is indeed getting the picture and becoming more honest, how can I change my own tendency to think she is lying?

And I don’t mind about the money… I told myself when I started that if this all blew up in my face I would take it as a life lesson. I help with her bills because in my mind the bigger picture demands that her credit be good for us to get a mortgage. I’d rather pay now and save her 28% interest rates so we can put that in our savings and have a down payment one day. She will eventually settle her debts in divorce court I figured so one day we will either see some return on her marriage debts or we won’t, and either way I saved her the interest.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Is this a cut-and-dry issue of “people never change, leave before you get buried”?[/quote]

No — people do change, but they change when they’re ready to change. You’re making it easy for her not to change, so she won’t. If you let fear motivate you, the fear will grow.

[quote] I want to make it work and obviously I don’t want to hear that kind of answer… but is that how it is? In my heart I know her dishonesty is related to her idea of my perception of her, and to preserve (in her mind) our relationship and keep pushing it forward. How many times will I have to tell her that all I need to make this work is honesty, and that I don’t need her to filter her life for me? [/quote]

She’s already shown you she’s not going to respond to your requests that she be honest. She will only be honest when she’s ready to be, and she’ll be ready when lying becomes such a disaster that telling the truth is the only option. People who lie do so to control things. When she can no longer control them by lying, she’ll start telling the truth. But because you’re enabling her lying, she’s not going to stop for you.

[quote]Or maybe a better question to ask is that if she is indeed getting the picture and becoming more honest, how can I change my own tendency to think she is lying?[/quote]

You tend to think she’s lying because she is and she has. This is who she is and you’re trying to convince yourself she’s someone different. When she becomes someone who doesn’t lie then you’ll start trusting her, but right now, that’s not who she is and it’s going to take a long time after she stops lying for you to realize that her lying is part of her past. Some people never stop lying because they don’t have to.

What you’re doing isn’t good for her or for yourself or her kids. When people enable liars they become part of the problem. I’m sorry to be hard on you — if you consider this to be hard, that is — but I don’t think you realize you’re becoming part of the “lie machinery” because of your own fears.

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