[confused heart]

Hi All, I have been seeing a wonderful man for 17 months and we both love each other very much, in fact what we have is close to perfect. The problem is his 14 year old daughter. She would have to be the most selfish, attention seeking person I have ever met and has no regard for anyone else’s feelings when it comes to getting what she wants.
Whenever something upsets her she blackmails her father by saying she isn’t going to visit him anymore. After a recent serious incident she pulled this stunt again but directly said it was because of me. My partner was put in the position where he had to make a choice and we all know that as a parent we put our kids first and I understand that. He ended up talking her around & she admitted she was wrong BUT I had seen the look in his eyes that he was worried that we were going to have to part if it came to that.
What I need advice on is do I stay in this relationship? This girl will always have the power & she knows it. I will spend the rest of my life with an axe hanging over my head because she can end her father’s & mine relationship whenever she pleases. It seems like it doesn’t matter how much we love each other, how good it is, how much we have to lose…it could all be over in an instant if she says it is.

[kaivethmouse]

As a parent myself, I can hope that my son will not ever be like that & I won’t ever let him get away with it. It sounds like the daughter has some serious jealousy issues so maybe, instead of leaving, you could take a small step back to give her and her father and her father some space so that they can sort it out. To teenage girls, it is highly important that we have dad-time (believe me, I was one once & did all sorts of things to get my dad’s attention), so it could be that she is scared that she will lose her dad over you.

So, pretty much work on showing her you aren’t a threat to the relationship she has with her father & you aren’t there to replace her mother, for now, if you want this to work.

But who knows? Maybe April has better advice than me:P

[AskApril Masini]

Dating a single parent is a lot harder than dating a parent without kids, and you’re seeing why from a front row seat! 😕 Teenagers are difficult and unreasonable and manipulative, naturally. Your boyfriend’s daughter is not acting abnormally. That’s the good news — and the bad news. 😉

I can help you with this, but the advice I’m going to give you is really for him, and you can pass it along, as a caring, potential future step-mom, but it’s going to be his difficult job to hear it, and then to take it or not.

So here it is: The important thing to remember when parenting teenagers is that they need, and they actually want, boundaries. They are in between childhood and adulthood and they are testing the limits of both — which is why it is the parent’s job to show them right and wrong by imposing boundaries that put the teenager back on track, and re-define the relationship. If he doesn’t do this, then she’s got the power, and the relationship becomes redefined by default — she’s in charge, he’s the pawn. This isn’t healthy for anyone. And guess what? Teenagers THINK they want the power, but they really don’t. Too much power is actually scary for a teenager. Think about it. Can you imagine a world where teenagers were in charge? In fact, there is a reason teenagers aren’t legally allowed to have certain rights that adults, only a few years older, do. And you don’t see teenagers protesting these laws en masse. Because (shhhh!) they don’t want the power. They want to be parented. But that’s a secret they won’t tell you. You have to figure it out yourself.

Parenting teenagers isn’t always graceful or easy because teenagers are full of hormones that make them emotional and sometimes irrational, and many parents fear confronting their kids’ emotions. Divorced parents, in particular, fear upsetting their kids because they don’t want to lose a kid (to the other parent who happens to be their ex), who storms off crying to the other parent’s house where life is easier for them. And the dark side of custody and divorce is that parents tend to alienate their kids against the other parent in order to get more custody time — and more child support. In other words, kids become pawns in divorce wars, and your boyfriend is probably all too aware of this.

All that said, your boyfriend is parenting out of self-interest and fear, afraid he’ll lose custody time with his daughter, and if he does, his child support payments may increase — instead of doing the right thing [b]by her[/b], which is teaching her right and wrong and imposing loving but firm boundaries that she actually wants deep down. Instead, he’s caving. He’s getting short term gratification in exchange for not giving her the life lessons and family structure she needs and deserves. Believe me, she’s going to use the bad lesson she’s learned from him over and over whenever she doesn’t like something, whether it’s a curfew, allowance, rules about getting a summer job, doing homework, etc. She’ll be back in his face with the same manipulative behavior on issue after issue after issue. 🙁 And…. she will take these lessons with her into her own adult relationships, guaranteeing she’ll fail at them. 🙁

If he does the right thing, he’s taking a risk — in his mind. But even if a teen storms off for a while, to the other parent’s home, she [i]will[/i] come back. Maybe not right away, and maybe it will take a year. But, she will figure it out. And she does love her father and will miss seeing him, and she won’t want to be separated from him. But it’s hard on him. And it’s harder on her when he doesn’t step up.

As for you…. and I’m sorry to leave you last, but this is really about his daughter and what he’s doing to her by allowing her to manipulate his relationship with you — this will be a deal breaker. I know you’re just seeing the beginning of this behavior because she’s a new teen, but it’s not going to get better unless he parents better. And it’s going to affect his relationship with any woman he’s with, whether it’s you or someone else.

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[confused heart]

Thank you both for your loving replies.
I’ve been telling him pretty much the same thing already & I know he understands and agrees. He’s an emotional man deep down but keeps it protected as he’s been hurt badly in the past. Even though it wasn’t his fault that his marriage ended he feels a great deal of guilt for not being a full time dad. His daughter has learnt this behaviour from her mother who I’ve yet to meet anyone who likes her, except her children. She has a massive hold on those kids & has raised them with a lot of negativity towards their dad & plays the poor me card with them a lot. From what I’ve heard she is also very manipulative & selfish. He has chosen not to tell his kids why the marriage ended because he doesn’t think they are old enough to hear that about their mum, I admire it but I also see the disrespect that they give him because they’ve been told he’s the bad guy.
I’ve been through the teenage years with my daughter & son already, they are now both in their 20s. Sure they had an attitude problem at times but they always knew where the boundaries were & never crossed the line. I have a 10 year old as well & it does bother me that she is watching how this girl behaves & gets away with it. I’m very open & constantly explain to my daughter that it’s not right & why as I don’t want it to affect her.
His kids have prevented him from going further with previous relationships & he’s aware of that & doesn’t want to lose me because we’ve both never had anything as wonderful as what we have with each other.
If I didn’t love this man so much, I would leave.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re letting him off the hook. 😕 I understand that his ex-wife is manipulating the kids and that he feels guilty that he’s divorced and only sees them part of the time, but he still has to step up to the plate and do the right thing for a) his daughter’s sake, b) his own sake and c) your sake. This is no easy job he’s got in front of him, but I hope he undertakes it for the sake of everyone involved. 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts