[Sonya]

My ex fiance and I were engaged in intensive long distance relationship that lasted for two years and 2 months. He proposed me after 10 months of dating and he wanted us to marry this summer. I was against it, since our plan was that I move to his town when I find a new job (he has an ill mother, his father died 4 years ago and that’s the main reason for moving me there), and I wanted to arrange the weeding when I come there.

I was looking for a job for a year – it was very exhausting since I got almost no reply from several companies where I wanted to work (I’m PhD in computer science). This January I got one job offer, a 3month
contract in a company which was not standing good. And I place where I live, I have a safe job and rent-controlled apartment. After I got this offer, he though I’m finally moving, but I was scared. I had many questions in my head, what if I loose this job, he does not earn enough to support us, what will happen? So I thanked to these people, saying them if they have more safer place in the future, I will come.

After that happened, everything had fallen apart. My ex blamed me for the troubles he experienced after, and one month after, I was coming to his place each two weeks to visit him and comfort him, he said he
is not sure that I will ever move and he is missing me. Then, after two months from this job offer he broke the relationship, wanting us to stay friends.

I understand he was feeling betrayed, and I guess I tried everything while we were still together – telling him what my next steps are (ok, I was ready to send my CVs to some more low-level companies), but he couldn’t understand. After he broke up, he told me that his mother had told him that I don’t
love him that much (because I wouldn’t take this job offer), and that
he does not love me that much (because he could not forgive me). I had no reply to
his words, because I felt like no one in that moment. I felt like nobody comparing
to his mother (Yes, sometimes, I felt like he is mother’s protected son, but
there is nothing about that sick son-mother relationship).

Then, one week after, I found out he is dating another girl (he started to see her before breaking our relationship). I feltbetrayed and wrote him an email, saying that I deserved to know that at least. Three days after, we wrote me an sms, telling me how he dreams about me and misses me (no excuses for his behavior). I replied very cold, telling me how I can’t feel anything about friendship.
Then, he went out with my sis, telling her that he misses me and that sometimes, his new girl pisses him off. And that he feels that I still have a lot of feelings for him. He writes me now from time to time occasional sms-s.

What I feel now is that I still love him, and I love the way I felt around him, so on…but I’m asking myself the same question, what it would like if I took this job offer? I know there was a risk, but somehow, I try to see an objective situation, if he could not understand me, is he mature enough to enter the marriage and be a
loyal husband? Before me, he admitted that he dated many girls, out of which some he cheated…What is the real profile for my ex? I can’t believe that his true love (if true) for me just went away two months after, that his ego replaced the feelings he had. I mean, if you really love someone, you would not let him go out of your life, even is this person didn’t fulfill your expectations at some point!? I’m trying to learn something from my relationship to avoid next failures..we are both 29.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The biggest lesson you learned is that long distance relationships are difficult. It’s hard to get to know someone long distance, and it sounds like you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did. My suggestion for future is that you date someone who lives closer to you.

The second lesson here is that some men aren’t ready to be married. It sounds like your ex was very committed to his mother. Since you seem to have had the better paying job and rent controlled home, he could have moved to you — or even moved her a year after you married, etc. In other words, there were other options besides you moving to them and giving up so much.

The third thing to think about is compatibility. This situation that broke you up was one that would have repeated in different forms if you had children, if your parents became ill, etc. There has to be at least one person in the relationship who will be creative and bend. Without passing judgment on either one of you, you wanted to put your career and living situation first; he wanted to put his mother first. Nobody was putting the relationship first because there were too many obstacles for both of you to overcome. If you love your job and the place you live, it seems like a no-brainer to look for Mr. Right in your area and not over a long distance.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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