[Grace]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and I love him very much. I am in my early thirties, and I’m ready to move our relationship forward. I want to move in together and start building a future that leads toward marriage and family. The problem is, he seems perfectly happy with the way things are. Whenever I bring up the topic of taking the next step, he gives me vague answers like, “We have a great thing going, why change it?” or “Let’s just enjoy the present.”

He never says he doesn’t want those things, but he never shows any enthusiasm for them either. It feels like I’m the only one steering the ship, and he’s just along for the ride. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum because it feels manipulative, but I also can’t put my own life plans on hold indefinitely waiting for him to be ready. His comfortable complacency is starting to feel like a lack of commitment, and it’s making me question our entire future. How do I know if I’m being impatient or if we just have fundamentally different goals?

Ask April Masini #1 most trusted relationship advice Forum

[Ask April Masini]

Quick answer? Yes, you two have fundamentally different goals. The moment a man sets his sights on you, he knows exactly what kind of relationship he wants. casual fling, girlfriend, or wife. And no, those categories don’t overlap. But most women think it does.

In your case, If he was serious about marriage, 4 years is more than enough time for him to make that move. So, clearly he isn’t.

If you’re looking for someone to build a family with, he’s not it. It’s time to find someone with the same goals as you, someone who wants to get married and build a life with you. You’re already in your thirties. Don’t waste more time with this guy.

[Victor Russo]

Hi Grace, what I think If a guy wants to move forward, you won’t have to push him. He’ll make it happen. I used to say “why change a good thing” when I wasn’t ready for more. You’re not being impatient; you just know what you want. Be clear about your goals and see if his actions match otherwise, you might just be waiting for someone who’s staying still.

[Maria]

I can really feel your frustration — loving someone deeply but realizing you might not be walking at the same pace is a quiet kind of heartbreak. You’re not asking for too much; you’re asking for direction. After four years together, it’s natural to want your relationship to move forward, not just stand still in a comfortable loop. When someone avoids defining the future, it often means they enjoy the present as it benefits them — without facing what the next chapter might demand.

I’ve been in that place before, convincing myself that love alone would eventually make him “ready.” But what I learned is that readiness isn’t built on time; it’s built on intention. If he truly wanted a shared future, you wouldn’t have to keep bringing it up — he’d already be talking about it with you.

You deserve a relationship where both people are steering together, not one where you’re doing all the navigating. You don’t need to issue ultimatums, but you do need to be honest about your limits. Sometimes clarity means risking the comfort of what’s familiar to protect the life you want.

Tell me, do you think he’s afraid of commitment itself — or just afraid that growing forward means growing up?

[Ethan Morales]

Yeah, you and your boyfriend do have different goals. After four years, if he’s still giving vague answers and dodging commitment, that’s not “taking things slow” anymore, that’s staying comfortable while you carry the emotional labor of the relationship.

Men who genuinely want to build a future with someone don’t stay in neutral this long. They might not rush marriage, but they show momentum, making plans, talking timelines, taking action. He’s not doing that, and deep down, you already feel it.
You’re not being impatient, you’re being honest about your needs. The hard part is accepting that love alone doesn’t fix mismatched goals. You want growth, he wants stability. And those two things don’t coexist for long.
So you’ve got two choices: Stay, knowing this might be all it ever is. Walk away, and open the door to someone who’s already where you are, not someone you have to drag there.

It’s not about punishing him; it’s about respecting your own timeline.

[Ethan Smith]

I can understand why you’re feeling frustrated. You’ve been together for four years, and it sounds like you’re ready to move forward, but he’s content where things are. It’s tough when you’re on different timelines, especially when it comes to something as important as building a future together.

It doesn’t sound like he’s opposed to those things — marriage, moving in, starting a family — but he’s not showing any urgency, and that’s where the disconnect is. You’re ready to take the next steps, and you want him to be just as excited about that future. It’s understandable that you don’t want to wait forever.

The key question here is: What do you need from him to feel secure in the future? If you’re both on different pages about long-term goals, you need to have a conversation where you lay it all out — what you want and where you stand. You’re not asking for an ultimatum, but you do need clarity on whether your futures align.

It’s not about being impatient — it’s about knowing what you need to feel secure and not putting your life on pause indefinitely. If he’s not willing to commit to a timeline or make those moves with you, it might be time to decide whether you’re both truly aligned or if you’re growing apart.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

girl… four years is not “impatient,”😭 he’s comfy, you’re craving movement and that’s not timing, that’s mismatch. when a man says “why change it,” it’s because he’s not losing anything by staying still. you are. stop calling it patience when it’s actually self-delay. if he wanted to build a life with you, he’d be handing you the blueprint, not vibes. 🕯️

[PassionSeeker]

Oh, I feel you. That back and forth can really mess with your heart. You’re ready to build something real and he’s just kind of floating along. I get that you don’t want to pressure him, but you also can’t put your life on pause forever.
You’re not asking for much, just for him to be as excited about the future as you are. It’s so important to know you’re not in this alone. If he’s not showing that same enthusiasm, it’s worth sitting down and having a tough conversation about what both of you want. You don’t deserve to wonder about your future. You deserve someone who wants to build it with you, not just enjoy the now. It’s okay to need that and it’s okay to ask for it.

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