[confused400]

I’ve met what i think is a wonderful man over 9 months ago. We met on line and immediately hit it off. when we met in person for the first time, one date quickly turned into a three date in a row venture. I fell in love with him on our second date but wanted to wait until recently to be sure that what i felt was really love.

just recently, i shared with him that i was in love with him. He had a beautiful smile on his face and he then hugged and kissed me but never said anything else in return. I guess I’m fine with that. I would rather he be sure and sincere if and when he respond back. was it a mistake for me to tell him that i was in love with him?

I know he has alot going on right now with his career but there are a few things that sometimes make me wonder:

although, he expresses his feelings towards me and tells me how much he misses me often, he made no effort to spend either holiday with me, Thanksgiving and for christmas. no effort to spend time together for his birthday, new year and it doesn’t look like we’ll be spending my b-day together either. I told him the only thing I could want for christmas was to spend it with him. I was giving an explanation that he needed to go to Japan for business during the holidays (christmas), from christmas leading into the new year. At one time where it appeared that he was entertaining the idea of taking me he then decides to take one of his bestfriends. his excuse in taking this buddy of his was justified since his friend is now working with him. the day before he left for Japan i found out that out of 7 days in japan only 2 will be work related, the rest vacation time with his buddy and another friend who lives in Japan. that didn’t make me feel to good.

also, some people in his life may know of me by name as the person he is dating,when he is on the phone from time to time around me he always refer to me as a friend or guess from my state (eastcoast). they may be business related calls, i’m not sure. yet when we are alone conversing he always refer himself to me as my boyfriend or me as his girlfriend, its confusing. when i told him i was in love with him, it was during a trip in san francisco, he was ending a phone call with someone and he had just referred to me as a friend he was out of town with. I asked him, “why?…why do you do this to me? I’m in love with you and it bothers me and confuse me when you refer to me as if i’m no more then just a friend or associate. he says he was thinking.

the agreement between us when we first started dating was to take turns visiting back and forth with each other. it was fair for both since we lived far apart from each other. its been almost a year and I’ve spent a lot of time and money traveling to see him. he hasn’t been here to see me once. his excuse at first was trouble finding someone to dog sit his two dogs. now his excuse his the new business his trying to lounge in three months.

the thing that puzzles me the most; shortly after dating him for a few months i blocked my profile from the site we met on. He still have an active profile.

I’m so afraid of being played for a fool and getting hurt. I fear appearing weak by approaching him with my thoughts and risking loosing him for possibly being paranoid.

please help me to understand whats going on. I feel so lonely right now, hurt and confuse

[GPM]

Well, I’m a guy and I’m sort of in the same position as the man you’re dating. I’m dating a woman that I know loves me, but I haven’t said “I love you” yet. Based on my experience,I’d say chances are he really does like you, but he’s just not convinced that you’re THE ONE for him. If he was, he would have said “I love you too” without hesitation. Why is he hesitating? [b]He’s probably still “searching” or looking around for other women[/b]. Don’t be scared though. He’s just weighing things right now, and that’s normal. He’s going at his own speed. If ever, after looking around, he does realize that you’re the “best” one for him, then he’ll come out and say how much he loves you. My advice: if you really love him, give him some time. Look at it this way: By not saying “I love you”, he’s being honest with you. And honesty is a very good quality.

[confused400]

Dear GPM

Thank you…though it hurts, I needed to hear the truth. It bothers me to see he’s still searching and I am so in to him. A part of me feel that I should go ahead and start seeing others but I am in love with him, I’m not interested in anyone else.

I also feel that maybe I need time away from him to clear my head. He says all the things that lead me to believe that he wants me. He ask me how would i like living in his area, my thoughts about him, tells me that i say all the right things, that i am so good to him, how much he misses me all the time, how anxious he is to see me next, how much he enjoys being around me, every time I leave him after a visit i get three to five phone calls from him in a day no sooner then the plane lands. Just recently before he left for japan he asked me; if he moved to japan would i follow him…I told of yes!

I guess i feel like i’m being lead on by someone that i am sincere with about my feels to.

maybe you’re right, he is at least being some what honest and i have to admire that. but for the sake of any potential arguments when he returns, with the way i feel these days and not being able to stop crying (even now) I think I would need some space too from him to clear my head. I’m sure I will eventually over come this but it hurts right now. Its my second time being in love and I am afraid of being hurt again because someone wants to view their options. I need to think about whats best for me.

Thank you for being so gentle about it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If a guy doesn’t spend holidays with you, he’s not that into you. And if you’re doing all the traveling to see him, and you’re the one who said the L word first — and he didn’t respond… you’re with a guy who’s not feeling the commitment. Sorry to be so blunt, but it’s better to hear it and process it, then to fool yourself. You’re not confused. You’re disappointed. My advice is to accept the reality and find a guy who is into you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

You are putting in far more effort, time, and emotional energy than he is. While he may say things that sound affectionate telling you how much he misses you, asking hypothetical questions about moving you’re the one making sacrifices and traveling repeatedly, and he isn’t reciprocating in tangible ways. His avoidance of spending holidays with you, prioritizing trips with friends, and keeping his dating profile active are significant red flags that he is not fully committed. Words alone, no matter how sweet, cannot replace consistent actions that show investment in the relationship.

The mixed signals you’re receiving calling you a friend publicly but a girlfriend privately add to the confusion and emotional strain. That inconsistency is not a minor quirk; it shows a lack of alignment between how he presents you to the world and how he claims to feel about you. It’s natural to want to trust him, especially given the affection he does show, but the reality is that you are constantly left uncertain and anxious, which is not healthy for your emotional well-being.

It’s understandable that you feel torn you’re deeply in love and not interested in anyone else but this intense attachment is being met with hesitancy and distance. When someone truly values a relationship, they make it a priority, even amid busy schedules. His repeated excuses, delay in visiting, and lack of holiday engagement indicate that he’s either unwilling or unable to fully invest in you. This imbalance can lead to long-term disappointment if you continue to hold out hope that his feelings will catch up with yours.

The advice to step back and accept the reality is important. You need to prioritize your emotional health and consider whether staying in this pattern of giving more than you receive is sustainable. Space may help you see clearly what you truly deserve: a partner who matches your level of commitment, effort, and love. While it’s painful, facing the truth now can prevent deeper hurt later and allow you to focus on a relationship that is reciprocal and fulfilling.

[Member]

Posts