[J-torn]

Hello,

I am rather confused on what I should do in my current situation and I hope I can find advice.

First of all, I must say, I haven’t had the best relationships during the last couple of years, (I am 33) so I think that has made me a bit insecure.

Last year in july I met a guy. We went on 3 dates, on the 4th he stayed over for the night. After that we have been on and off. Many times he stopped contact with me, saying that I am hypercritical, that I make him really angry with my sarcasm and snappy comments, (which is probably true) but one way or another we have always got back in touch and started again. The last time we argued (2 months ago) I thought it was the end of us. So in an attempt to move on him, I got onto a dating website. I met a guy (got bored of the online dating and deleted my profile) and went on few dates with this new guy.

The problem is that 3 weeks ago, me and guy one got back in touch.

Now, this is my situation: guy one is the one I would be with without thinking twice. I know we have argued a lot, but I do like him a lot. However since we have restarted I don’t know where I stand with him. We have not been on dates, just hanging out at mine, either slept together or (when I was ill) just eating and watching movies. He doesn’t make plans to take me out, but we talk every day and he makes jealous comments.

With guy 2 we haven’t had anything physical, only going on a lot of dates, talking every day.

I feel like guy 2 is more of long term relationship material, so I am tempted to go for it just cause I might be missing out on some amazing guy, only because I am hooked on someone who can potentially be a complete failure. On the other side I don’t want to let go of someone I like so much, unless I am totally sure he doesn’t want anything more concrete.

I must add that I have made this mistake other time: not given someone good a chance because still thinking of someone else an then regretting it. Plus. Because of my lack of confidence, given by relationship failures maybe I need some stable and nice person by my side.

Please help!

Hank you in advance

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It will be helpful for you to separate out your feelings from your goal. For instance, you can be madly in love with someone, or have amazing chemistry with a guy — who just doesn’t want the same thing you do in the long run. If you read this forum regularly, you’ll occasionally read about men and women who love someone who is abusive, or who love someone who won’t commit. These are situations where where it’s important to know what you want, and stay focused. If you get involved with relationships where guys have some qualities you like, but not the ones that will make a relationship with you work in the long run, you’re wasting your time. So just because you like him, doesn’t mean he’s a good match for you, given your relationship goals. 😉

It sounds like the “guy one” is someone you’ve been dating for almost a year, off and on. The issues that kept you apart seem to be your admitted sarcasm and critical expressions towards him — but these don’t get resolved. It sounds like the two of you seem to default back together because neither one of you has anything better going on. This is a situation where being with him is easier than being single, but being single will help you focus on what you really want. In other words, if you spend time with him, knowing he’s not right, you’re keeping yourself off the market, and psychologically, you’re not feeling single — which, while uncomfortable, is productive.

You have to take charge of your own life and conduct it in a way that steers yourself towards success. Simply falling into default situations with clear reason, is going to put you off track, and stir up the doubt you’re feeling now. I think it’s time to let go of this “guy one” because he’s not your Mr. Right. And at the same time, focus on what you want, and be the woman who gets what she wants — not one who falls into default situations where you end up spending your life with a litany of Mr. Right Nows.

I hope that helps!

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[J-torn]

Thank you, it is what I thought as well. To be completely honest I am not with him because I don’t have better, because I have been single and I don’t find it so bad. I am with him because I madly hope if I calm down and show him my true colours (I am not the bitter person he has met, it was only caused by fear of a new disappointment) he would be my Mr. right. But I know that what you said is the truth and I must let go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If this failed relationship is the reason that you make changes in your own behavior, so that you don’t let your fear of disappointment guide your life, than there’s something positive to take away. When people are guided by fear, they rarely live the lives they want. Understand that disappointment is part of life, and definitely part of all relationships — romantic or otherwise. Nobody dies from disappointment, and you can temper your feelings of disappointment by adjusting your expectations. In other words, if you expect every guy you like to like you back, you’re not being realistic. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and vice versa. Simply taking a wider view of relationships is going to help you with your real problem — behaving as if you’re going to be disappointed, and taking a defensive stance right off the bat! 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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