[Anka23]

Hi April,
I have been with my bf for 8 months now. I’ve known him for a year, but we dated for one month and split up because I was not emotionally ready to be in a serious relationship. He continued to pursue me and finally we began dated and now have been in a committed relationship for 8 months.
He has always been good to me, and never gave me any reasons to doubt him. We recently went to his hometown in Europe. He paid for the travel, introduced me to his friends and family. So we had a really great time. My trip was only for one week, he was staying for one month. On my last night in Europe, I noticed condoms in his toiletry bag. There were 5 total, 2 of which were expired so I figured it’s no big deal, he has probably just had them there from previous travel. We don’t use them, so wasn’t for me for sure. I did not say anything to him, as I did not want to argue on my last night there, also around his friends.
When he came back, I spent the night at his place. I was curious and checked his bag in the morning. Two of the condoms were missing. And not the expired ones. I questioned him, but he said that his friend was staying with him and he gave it to the friend. I know that his friend was staying with him, I also know this friend very well.
At this point I don’t know whether to believe him or not. He has never given me a reason to think he would cheat on me. But the fact that the condoms went missing just drives me crazy. I don’t know whether to leave him or not. I only have his word at this point. He didn’t get nervous, he didn’t become defensive, he was very calm when I questioned him. So I don’t know.
I have been cheated on before by another man and feel fearful to go through that again.

[Ask April Masini]

You asked, he answered. If you pursue it further, it’s going to become “a thing”. I think you have to move forward in the relationship and keep your eyes and ears open, but unless he’s given you reason to mistrust him in the past, I’d tend to believe him. That said, if you don’t believe him, and this is something you can’t get past, then accept that and move on, rather than creating drama. It would help to know your ages — if you write back, let me know them. Advice for 18 year olds is sometimes different than advice for 50 year olds. 😉

Let me know how things go.

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[Anka23]

Thank you April. I am 34, have been married and have a child. He is 38, never been married, no children. I guess it is my fear of getting hurt. I just don’t know if those kind of things are common. I appreaciate your expert advice.

[Ask April Masini]

Got it.

I think that because you’re 38 and a single parent, you want to take dating goals seriously. Use your instincts and figure out if this is a guy who is serious about you and wants to settle down and have a serious relationship with you that involves being a step-parent. If he’s not, you should move on. You can be dating someone great, but if you’re not sharing compatible relationship goals, you’re wasting your time — especially with a child involved.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions, and fill me in on how things go.

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[Anka23]

Yes, he has brought up marriage many times. And also asked me if i would consider having another child. He is very good to my daughter as well. His house is always open for me. He doesn’t hide his phone, computer, tablets, etc. I’ve stayed at his place many times without him being home. He is very supportive of all my career goals. His friends always tells me how much he cares for me. It is just this one incident that made me doubt. The fact that the condoms were expired, and that he had had them there for a long time is true. It is bothering me that the two were missing afterwards. It sounded a little too easy that his single friend used them. It is possible. So my only doubt was is this one incident enough for a separation?

[Ask April Masini]

A separation? 😯 No.

A conversation? Yes — but you already had one, so don’t poke and pick at it any more.

My advice is that in the scheme of things this isn’t enough to turn into a problem. Like I said, keep your eyes and ears open, but I think that given everything you’ve said, you can trust him. You might also want to consider cultural differences — you mentioned that you were visiting his hometown in Europe and in some cultures, having affairs are not held with the same importance as they are in America. But I think that overall, you have to keep your eye on the goal, and if this is a good man, who has an explanation, and no history of cheating, I’d let it go and move on.

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[Anka23]

Thank you April.
The thing is I’m damaged. I’ve had a messed up childhood with my father cheating on my mom all the time. Then I had an equally broken marriage. After my devorce I dated a guy who cheated on me and I saw everything with my own eyes. I mean I saw videos, graphic videos, email conversations and not to mention it destroyed my faith in humanity completely.
So, yes I thought I was over that. Honestly, I don’t think you ever get over this. You just simply learn to live with it.
To answer your question I man not be able to put this past me simply because I don’t know how to. A father who cheated on your mom all his life, a husband who cheated on you, then a boyfriend who grafically painting a permanent picture in your head…. A simple incident of two condoms disappeared makes you question in my situation when you have lost faith altogether.
You mentioned cultures… Although I’m not from the same country, I was born and raised in a very close proximity to his country. So it’s safe to say we have similar cultures, and sex outside of a committed relationship is considered cheating.
Two condoms missing…. Not enough for a healthy person I suppose, but gives me a red flag as a “damaged” woman.
Do you see where I’m coming from?

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for that explanation. I do see where you’re coming from. Maybe you can talk to him with the focus on the conversation being that you’ve got this problem, and you’d like to know if he can help you with it — rather than coming out guns blazing, accusing him. I’m guessing you’ve discussed your background before, but this is a great opportunity to tell him that you’re having trouble getting past this missing condom thing that is probably not a big deal, but because of your history, it’s bringing up old wounds and old anxieties. See what he says! Simply telling him that this problem is part of who you are is a way of growing closer and creating intimacy. Explain to him that this kind of thing is a trigger for you. Simply putting it out there might get him talking further — it sounds like his being so blasé about the situation is part of what’s put you off, and at least if you start talking to him about this he has a chance to explain further and to know that these kinds of things bother you so he will be more careful in the future.

Of course, if he did sleep with someone else, and that’s your instinct, you can ask him if he’d please be up front with you because finding out at some later date, if it’s true, is going to be much more hurtful than finding out now. He may be someone who’s up and up about these things.

And lastly, please know that you’re being a little harsh on yourself when you say you’re damaged goods. 😳 You’re not. You just have a specific and unique history and everybody comes to relationships with their own. When you put a negative spin on yourself, right out of the gate, you put yourself at a disadvantage to move past this feeling that you’re doomed to repeat your past. 😉 You don’t have to be, but it requires day-at-a-time discipline and consciousness. 😀

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[Anka23]

That makes a lot of sense. He also comes from a very messed up childhood. His father was very abusive to his mom and him. Drinking, beating them up, sleeping around. Then, when he was 18, both of his parents passed away and he was left alone to take care of his sister and himself all by himself. He eventually came to the states and has done really well for himself.
As a result, he doesn’t take drama at all. He told me once that because of his past, he simply blocks feelings. And I was the only person since then who made him feel like human again.
However, loss to him is nothing. He has learned to live with loss. Therefore loosing someone who brings drama in his life is normal. When I left him the first time he was hurt. Then when we got back together I asked him why? He said “my chances of meeting a woman like you are one in a million”.
Things have been great ever since. He caters to me, but he doesn’t talk about “feelings”. He says it’s hard for him. So I’ve learned to read his actions rather than feelings.

[Ask April Masini]

Let me know if you have any further questions. 😀

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[Anka23]

Hi April. The issue above was worked out but now I have another one. His female friend comes to his house to cook for him sometimes. And recently came over when I wasn’t with him. I have an issue with that. I don’t understand why he would think that it is ok. Is that normal?

[Anka23]

Hi April. The issue above was worked out but now I have another one. His female friend comes to his house to cook for him sometimes. And recently came over when I wasn’t with him. I have an issue with that. I don’t understand why he would think that it is ok. Is that normal?

[Ask April Masini]

This could be nothing…. but if it happens on a regular basis, it could mean that he’s interested in this woman as more than a friend. It could also mean he likes good home cooking, and maybe this is something you can do for him. 🙂 Instead of trying to limit who he sees, why not tell him that you would like to be the one to cook for him, and then do so! 😀 If you do that, and he’s still got her coming round, you might want to reconsider his feelings about his commitment towards you.

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[Anka23]

We talked about this issue. I explained that I am not against his female friends, but I do not like when she comes over without me being there. If she wants to come over then make it the day I am there as well. He seemed like he understood and agreed. The next day she unfriended him on Facebook. I assume that the day she came over to cook for him she was hoping he would be alone, or at least maybe my boyfriend did not mention that I decided to join last minute. Perhaps she was upset and removed him. It seems very childish to me. To come and cook for a friend and then unfriend them 24 hours later seems VERY strange to me. I did not tell him I noticed but did ask him if he mentioned anything to her. He said no.
I spent last weekend over at his house. He had a boys night out planned and went out with his friends. I stayed at his place. While I was waiting for him I saw his tablet lit up that it was his ex-girlfriend’s birthday. At first I became very suspicious that he must have lied about the boys night and was going to his ex-girlfriends bday. I took his tablet and went through his conversations on Facebook. There was nothing special except one conversation with this same ex. So when he was back in his home town, he contacted her. But she lives here in the states. They were chatting on Facebook. At first it was a casual conversation, but later it became a bit more personal. He asked her if she wanted anything from Europe, she said “no, just you is enough, LOL”. Then he told her he would bring her chocolates. Then there was a message from him to her “I miss you”. No reply from her. It’s been over 2 months since he has been back. I don’t know if they continue to keep in touch or it was just a drunk conversation. He does get very friendly when drinking and kinda is flirty. So, seeing that hurt me a lot. It brought back nasty memories of how I was cheated on by my ex. I confronted him when he came home. He said they are just friends and they talk occasionally. And that “i miss you” really meant nothing. He said he was drunk and made a stupid comment. So, my friend actually ran into him while he was out and did confirm that it was a boys night out. But this one message hurt me so much, I whole world came crashing. It’s almost like finding out that he actually cheated on me. I know i have issues with this, and it’s a painful memory for me. But he assures me that there is nothing and that is why he leaves his tablet open so I can feel safe that he isn’t hiding anything. He also said that he cannot believe that I am willing to through away 9 moths of a good relationship over some stupid text. He said he had no idea it would hurt me so much because it meant nothing to him. He doesn’t this is a big deal. But did say he will not do that if it hurts so much.
What to do? Can this really be just a friendly text as he says? He has no reason to be with me. He can go back to her if he misses her. Clearly she flirts back and wants to see him, so I have no idea why he is with me and not her.

[Ask April Masini]

I think this relationship isn’t a healthy one for you. 😳

Since this third incident you’re mentioning, in 3 months of an 8 month relationship that included one break up already, I’m beginning to think that this isn’t going to work out and it’s certainly not good for you.

Here’s why:

If you have to ask your 38 year old boyfriend of 8 months not to have a female friend visit him at his home when you’re not there — because she usually comes over when you’re not there to cook for him — or at least, unless he has permission from you, and she un-friends him from social media the next day, they were more than friends. 🙄 When he told you that he didn’t say anything to her about not coming over, it’s pretty clear things are not adding up and he isn’t being honest with you.

This is more of a problem because it comes on the heels of two incidents you’ve written about here, all in the last 3 months — the 2 missing condoms he says he gave to a friend which you questioned, and now his telling his ex-girlfriend that he misses her, in a text conversation — that you’re snooping for. Clearly, you don’t trust him, and it’s not just because of your background. He’s giving you reasons not to trust him. 😳

I don’t doubt that he loves you and talks marriage and is kind to your daughter, but that doesn’t mean your instincts that he’s been cheating on you aren’t true, or that he’s your Mr. Right. The missing condom incident, the friend who comes to his house when you’re not there to cook for him (and then un-friends him when he cuts off the visits), and now this comment to his ex that he misses her, don’t add up to what is best for you. I think you’re getting deeply into a dynamic where you’re suspicious more often than not, and you’re sneaking through his things and questioning his motives and what he tells you, to the extent that there’s a significant lack of trust underlying a lot of kind behavior. 🙁 I do think he loves you, but I don’t think he’s right for you. It would be great to see you in a relationship where you didn’t have to second guess what he does and says. 😉

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