[Iamhim718]

I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for 5 years and engaged for almost 1 year. We also have a 3 year old son.

I believe that my fiances father thinks his daughter is his girlfriend/spouse. He is a middle aged single man between 40 and 50 that currently lives at home with his mom. My fiancé also lives with the two of them as myself and her are home shopping.

My reasons for this post are as follows: #1 he tries to do everything I do tic for tac. For example if i take her to a restaraunt. He will take her to the same restaraunt and brag about buying her a bigger meal or drink.

#2 He asks her to help make up his bed.

#3 He won’t date a woman period and will only go out if his daughter is going with him.

#4 he gets upset if she doesn’t eat at home/eat his food.
#5 he has my son call him daddy and makes fatherly decisions. For example my son hurt himself and had to spend the night in the hospital. He told my fiancé not to call me and tell me my son was in the hospital.

#6 he tells her that we shouldn’t get a home together and that she should continue to live with him and his mom.
#7 he says things to her like “all men cheat.”
#8 he compares her physical features to others (sickening)
#9 ourlives revolve around this guy. If I would like to take her to dinner she says well let me call my dad and see if he’s cooking etc…(our ages are 27 and 28btw)
#10 I work long hours during the week so on weekends when i go see my son and her , he sets up happy hour dates, movie dates etc..with them so that my time is limited with them.

I believe she also contributes to some of the issues.

I feel like myself and him are sharing her.

All of this from a guy who never showed up to his daughters basketball games , paid for her college or even raised her. His mom raised her. I don’t understand the loyalty. When I raise the concern she says “I’m tired of feeling bad because I have a relationship with my father.” Maybe I don’t understand ? Should I leave the relationship , I believe this affects us? Or my lack of understanding is.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not the first or last man who doesn’t like a future father in law. 😉 This overall problem is more common than you may realize. On the other hand, in-laws can break up a relationship, so tread carefully. 😉

I think that the first thing you have to address is your wedding and moving in together. I’m not sure why you and your girlfriend didn’t move in together when you had a child three years ago. Is there a reason that move never happened? Anyway, if she moves out of her father’s’ and grandmothers’ home, a lot of what you don’t like will fade away, so get going on the wedding and the move-in! 🙂 House hunting and purchasing can take a while, so I think it would help you a lot if the three of you moved in together now — whether it’s to your home or an interim rental place, until you buy something together.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and if you have any more questions, I’m here!

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[Iamhim718]

He sabotaged the original move in. We were getting a home before the baby and he talked her into moving back in with him and his mom.

[AskApril Masini]

So…. she didn’t want to move in with you when the baby was being born? Why not?

How old are you both?

Has she always lived with him?

And does she want to get married? Move in with you?

Fill me in…

[Iamhim718]

Well her mom had two homes. One of them she didn’t use/vacant. So I stepped up to her mom and offered to buy the house. We stayed for a month or two until my son was a few weeks. Somehow her father talked her into moving herself and my son back into his moms home.

She is 27 I am 28.

Yes she lived with him for most of her life.

Yes she wants to get married and move in. But I actually see it becoming a worse situation because of how needy her father is. (I don’t understand it because he’s not old or disabled , just dependent on her)she feeds it so I can’t imagine how this will work.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thank you for the details. 😉

One problem is that she’s 27 years old and has lived her entire life — except for 2 months with you and your son together — with her father. You’re expecting her to change, and blaming her father, but it’s not her father’s fault. 😕 She’s not a child — she’s an adult, and it sounds like she is the one making the choices about living with her dad. You’re angry at her, but are projecting your anger at her father. 🙁 You’ll have an easier time making decisions if you accept that your 27 year old fiancee is choosing to live with her dad over you. 😳

The second problem is that you’re not married and living together. Is there a wedding date on the calendar? If so, when? And if not, why not? Can you get a rental property for the three of you to move into? It would help if you moved on all of this.

The third problem that I’m kind of hearing, but not clearly, is — I’m not sure you want to get married. I’m half hearing that you’ve had enough of this and don’t want to move forward. Am I hearing you correctly? If so, the sooner you’re clear on marriage or no marriage, the easier your life is going to be. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

Your fiancé’s father is acting in ways that cross boundaries for an adult relationship, particularly for one where she is engaged and you share a child.

He seems to be overly controlling, manipulative, and enmeshed in her life, which naturally makes you feel like you’re “sharing” her.

Your fiancé is allowing this dynamic, either out of loyalty, guilt, or habit, which is reinforcing the father’s behavior.

Boundary issues: The father is exerting influence over financial decisions, parenting, living arrangements, and social plans. This is a red flag, especially when it undermines your role as her partner and your parental authority.

Fiancé’s role: She contributes to the problem by allowing him to dictate her actions, prioritizing him over you and your child. Her loyalty to her father is understandable emotionally, but it is disruptive to your family unit.

Shared custody of decisions: You are effectively being sidelined in your own relationship and parenting responsibilities, which can breed resentment and long-term conflict.

Potential for escalation: If the father continues to interfere, it could affect your marriage, parenting, and even your mental health.

Set clear boundaries now: Before marriage or cohabitation, you and your fiancé need to agree on boundaries with her father. This includes decisions about your child, your home, your schedules, and finances.

Move out / establish your own home: As April Masini suggested, living independently (even temporarily) can drastically reduce the father’s influence. Physical distance often forces emotional recalibration.

Communicate with your fiancé: Focus on her perspective and your joint future. Avoid framing it as “your father is bad” and instead highlight how this affects your family and relationship. Encourage her to see the value in establishing a household that prioritizes you both and your child.

Pre-marriage counseling: Considering the intensity of the father’s behavior, it may be wise to seek counseling to navigate family boundaries, co-parenting, and building a united front before marriage.

Evaluate your tolerance: Ask yourself honestly: can you handle this dynamic long-term if she continues to prioritize her father over you? Your feelings of frustration and sharing your partner are valid.

You’re not overreacting. The father’s behavior is inappropriate, and your fiancé’s lack of enforcement of boundaries is a problem. The healthiest path is moving in together and establishing independence, coupled with firm boundaries and honest communication with your fiancé. If she’s unwilling to support this, it’s worth seriously reconsidering the relationship.

[PassionSeeker]

This situation sounds exhausting, and I can see why you feel like you’re sharing your fiancé with her father. But April’s right the issue isn’t really him; it’s her choices. She’s an adult, and every time she prioritizes her father’s needs over yours and your son’s, she’s showing you where her loyalty stands.

It’s not healthy for any family dynamic when a parent treats their child like a partner. But your fiancé isn’t powerless here she’s enabling it. Until she sees this and sets boundaries, nothing will change, even if you move in together.

Before you marry, have a serious conversation about independence, priorities, and what family life looks like once you’re living together. You can’t compete with her father nor should you have to. If she’s not ready to detach emotionally and create space for your relationship to grow, marriage will only magnify this imbalance.

You deserve a partner who chooses to build a life with you not one who lets her father dictate it.

[James Smith]

Man, reading this gave me flashbacks to when I dated a girl whose mom acted like *my competition.* I once brought her flowers, and her mom showed up five minutes later with a bigger bouquet. I felt like I was trapped in some kind of emotional Price Is Right episode. 😂

Jokes aside, I get how uncomfortable this must be. It’s one thing for a parent to be protective, but her dad sounds like he’s confusing fatherly love with… something else entirely. You’re not crazy for feeling like you’re sharing her — because, honestly, it sounds like you kind of are.

But before making big decisions, maybe test what happens if you set one firm boundary. Like, plan something private for you, her, and your son that doesn’t include the dad. See how she reacts. If she defends that wall like a security guard at Area 51, that’s your answer.

Be honest though — do you think she *wants* to break that dynamic, or is she too comfortable in it to change?

[Marcus king]

Here’s the thing, man you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. What you’re describing isn’t a normal “close father-daughter bond.” It sounds like blurred boundaries real blurred. And when boundaries blur, respect and partnership start to erode.

her dad’s behavior isn’t healthy. That “tit-for-tat” stuff, the possessiveness, the emotional manipulation those are signs of control, not care. The way he’s competing with you, undermining your role as a father, and making decisions about your son that crosses a line. That’s not fatherly love, that’s emotional enmeshment. He’s treating his daughter like a stand-in for a partner, not like a child.

But here’s where it gets complicated your fiancé doesn’t see it. That’s because she’s used to this dynamic. It’s probably been normalized her whole life, so when you point it out, it feels to her like you’re attacking her father not the behavior. That’s why she gets defensive.

. You’ve got a kid with her, so this isn’t something you can just “walk away” from overnight. But you can’t build a future with someone who’s still emotionally living under her father’s roof literally and figuratively.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe 😳 that’s emotional third-wheeling. his behavior’s weird like controlling, and lowkey possessive 🚩 she’s not setting boundaries, so now you’re fighting for space in your own relationship. love can’t breathe when her dad’s sitting in the middle of it. you can’t fix what she won’t see. maybe it’s time to leave the tent 🎪💔 you deserve a partner, not a triangle. 💅

[Tara]

Stop pretending this is normal. That man is way too attached to his daughter, and it is messed up. What you are describing isn’t fatherly love, it is emotional incest. He treats her like a partner, not a child. He competes with you, dictates her time, overrides your authority, and constantly inserts himself between you two because he cannot stand losing control.

He is obsessed with keeping her close, and she lets him because she has been conditioned to feel guilty whenever she puts her own needs first. He has trained her to believe that his emotions are her responsibility. That is not love, that is manipulation.

You are not fighting for space in her life, you are fighting for space in a relationship he already hijacked. Until she wakes up and cuts the cord, you will always be the outsider. You cannot build a real partnership when her father is playing husband and emotional warden.

[Sally]

Nothing about the way he acts feels like a normal father–daughter bond. It’s clingy, controlling, and honestly a little unsettling. And the part that hurts most is she doesn’t seem to see how much space he takes up in your life together.

You’re not wrong for feeling like you’re sharing her. You’re not wrong for feeling pushed out of your own family. But she’s the one who has to notice it and want something different. If she keeps dismissing your concerns, that’s the real problem.

Talk to her gently, not accusing, just honest. Tell her you want a life with her and your son, but you can’t build it if she’s still living like her dad comes first. See how she responds. That will tell you if you can stay.

[Natalie Noah]

What stands out first is that the real conflict isn’t only about a weird father/daughter dynamic; it’s about household priorities and who your fiancée is choosing to put first. You’re angry and exhausted because everything you want (a stable home, committed partner, equal parenting) runs straight into her default answer: “Let me check with my dad.” That is painful, and your feelings are valid. You’re not being petty for wanting your family to come first you’re asking for a fair share of emotional investment and decision-making in the life you’re building together.

Practical next steps: you and your fiancée need one calm, private conversation that isn’t during an argument and isn’t about who’s “right.” Tell her, in a single, simple way, what you need (a timeline to move in together, shared decision-making about your son, clear parental boundaries with her father) and why for your son’s stability and for the health of your relationship. Then ask for concrete answers: when will you be living together full-time? When will decisions about the household be made between the two of you, not her dad? If she can’t give you a timeline or refuses to take responsibility for the household and your child, that tells you exactly what you need to know.

Boundary work comes next. Boundaries aren’t about cutting people off, they’re about protecting the family you’re creating. Examples: your son calls you dad in your home and on your parenting time; medical or safety decisions get routed to you both immediately; your partner tells her father that, while he’s family, the couple’s home and schedule are set by you two. You can offer her concrete ways to keep her relationship with her father while making him less central: scheduled visits, agreed-upon roles (grandfather, not primary caregiver), or family counseling so everyone’s expectations can be aired and reset.

This is crucial, watch whether she acts on what she says. Words are comforting; actions are clarifying. If she agrees to a timeline, to move out, or to counseling and then follows through, that’s progress. If she keeps letting her dad derail plans, keeps prioritizing his wants over your child’s stability, or refuses even fair compromises, you’ll have to ask whether this relationship can meet the needs of your son and you. Love matters, but so does the life you’re promising to build. You can want her to choose you and still be prepared to protect your child and your peace if she doesn’t.

[KeishaMartin]

It’s messy, suffocating, and 100% not about her dad, it’s about her choices. She’s 27, grown, and has spent her life being wrapped up in Daddy’s little world. And now you’re trying to stake a claim like some fairy tale knight, expecting her to snap out of decades of habit overnight? That’s wishful thinking on steroids. She’s comfortable, she’s been conditioned, and every “tic for tac” move her dad makes is a reminder that he’s still running her emotional world. You can rage, pout, and plan dinners but until she chooses you over him, you’re living in second place, and that’s a hell no for me, and should be a hell no for you too.

Let’s talk about control or the illusion of it. You’ve worked long hours, you’ve stepped up, offered homes, tried to carve a life for your son and her… and what do you get? Weekend interference, emotional sabotage, a father who treats your child like his own little pawn. She isn’t respecting boundaries, and you’re letting it slide. You can love her, you can want her, but don’t confuse that with letting her life be hijacked by her daddy issues. I’m telling you, anyone who has to negotiate love like it’s a boardroom deal is already losing.

April Masini! She’s sharp, deadly honest, and nails these twisted family dramas like no one else. Reading her advice is like getting a red-hot mirror thrown in your face, and baby, sometimes that burn is exactly what you need. My advice to you? Stop pretending her dad is the villain, he’s just a living warning sign. Either she chooses you fully, or you let her go before your heart and your son’s life get permanently tangled. And hey, with Christmas around the corner, maybe this is the perfect time for some festive clarity some Christmas parties, some ugly sweater drama…

[Member]

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