[lilredfaery]

ok so short story. I meet my boyfriend 4 an 1/2 years ago. He left his then pregnant gf for me(she was really abusive, physically). At the time he said they weren’t really together anymore. And i guess i believed what I wanted. But after he moved in with me. He would go spend the weekend with her here every week to see their son. Then she was 3 and 1/2 away. I knew he was cheating but was in denial for a long time about it and he would swear he wasn’t but he was. Well he did finally stop staying there last year after i told him if he didn’t stop i was leaving.But then she moved back to town.When i finally faced the truth about went on it really hurt me and broke my trust in him.
I even left in june of 2011 because he lied about taking her to work and because he kept bringing her daughter to our house even though i asked him not to,but came back because I wanted to make it work for our 2 kids. But ever since she has been in town he has been driving her back in fourth to work (which he had promise me he wouldn’t any more when i came back in june) and taking her to the grocery store because she doesn’t drive, she doesn’t even have her license. I’ve tried to tell him that she is just using that to keep control over him but he won’t listen.
Anyways recently he went over there a couple of times without telling me. i saw it on his phone. he also sent her a text msg that said spank ass lol. So i started wondering if he was cheating again or if ever stopped. So i put a recorder in his car and over heard him telling her he loved her and he kissed her and telling her he didn’t know what to do and her telling him to tell me how he really feels. So i confronted him about it and at first he denied ever saying it,then he said he was just saying it so she would leave him alone and get out the car or something and it didn’t mean anything. I thought i actually heard them having sex but i was wrong,it was a song. And he tried to tell me that kissing her was not cheating and that he didn’t love her the same way he did me, that its different.
I begged him to just be strait with me but he just kept denying anything was going on.So my question is he cheating? Will he ever be strait with me because he denied it for the longest time before. And what should i do now? Is he really just telling her what she wants to hear? why would he say those things if he didn’t mean them, exspecially with it being her and knowing she still wants him back?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So my question is he cheating? Will he ever be strait with me because he denied it for the longest time before. And what should i do now? Is he really just telling her what she wants to hear? why would he say those things if he didn’t mean them, exspecially with it being her and knowing she still wants him back?[/quote]

In answer to your questions: Yes, he’s cheating and lying to you. He will probably never be straight with you because he never was straight with you. He says what he needs to say to get what he wants. That’s what people who lie and cheat do. They put themselves first. Honesty takes a backseat.

As for what you should do, I’m not quite clear on the picture, so if you fill me in, I can advise you. You wrote that you have two children — is he the father? If not, where’s the dad? And I can’t tell from what you wrote if she has more than one child or not, and if so, is he the father of both kids or just one? Let me know and I’ll give you my thoughts.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[lilredfaery]

we have two, he is the dad, She has two kids. one is his, a boy and the younger one her duaghter is not., Also when i told him i was gonna leave he put a gun that we have to his head and threatend to kill himself right in front of me. The last time i left he threatened susucied to.

[lilredfaery]

also i am wondering if he want to run around and cheat, then why does he act so desperate to keep me? I mean just let me leave and go be with her allready.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he put a gun to his head and threatened to kill himself you need to call the police. He needs help that you can’t give him. The reason he resorts to these dramatics is because he needs a lot of attention and he likes drama. He wants you and he wants this other woman, and he problem has women you don’t yet know about in his life, too. 😳

My advice is that you get a divorce (if you’re married), and if not, get a child support order and a monitored visitation agreement so you can make sure he doesn’t do anything dangerous with guns in front of or around the kids. This guy isn’t just cheating and lying. He’s unstable.

You really need to take care of your kids, yourself, and do the best thing you can for him — which is to end the drama. 🙁

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[lilredfaery]

well things have been ok since then but i am planning on leaving him next weekend. I’ve done some reserch and relized this is an emotionally abusive relationship. right now I am feeling overwhelemed. I know leaving is right and i have no doubts about that but i do worry i wont be able to find a job where i am going and how it will effect my kids.

i am also wondering why he he puts up with her abuse.she is verbally and physically abusive to him but he continues to drive her around and put up with it. i just dont understand why he cant say enough is enough.i just worry something bad will happen eventually she has already been to jail and should have more times. i guess there is nothing i can do but i just want to try and understand it. and could this be part of why he has abused me? the whole victim becoming the abuser thing?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re making the right decision to leave. I know it will be hard, but if you do the work, you can have a good life, and so, too, can your children. They have to be your primary focus right now.

My guess is that his behavior didn’t start with his relationship with you or with her — it started before either one of you knew each other. But the point is that he’s an adult, and so are you. And as adults, we all have the responsibility to ourselves and to our loved ones to overcome our problems when we can. I know you’re worried about him, but you can’t save him by enabling him. You can only save him by being strong and doing what’s right for your kids and yourself. Your kids need you to be healthy and strong, so focus on making a new home for yourself and them. 😀

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[lilredfaery]

well it is a year later. And i did leave him..but i came back, not because i believed his bs but because of the kids and because of my step son.And it has been crazy as ever. After i came back my boyfriends ex showed up at our house and attacked me right in front of the kids, and i called the cops and pressed charges, she is still waiting to go to court. But my boyfriend has not been supportive in me at this at all. All he talked about is she doenst need to lose her job and all this. But anyways I just want this to end for good. I was stupid for coming back but i didn’t want to leave my step son.i am the only one that takes care of him, everything that a parent is suppose to do i am the one that does it for him,i always have, not his parents. I am more his parent then his parents and I worry what will happen to him if i am no longer in the picture because i now they will not take care of him. Just this morning i asked my bf to take the boys to school so i could sleep because i never can because i have work on the weekends and take them to school every day during the week and my step son(i’ll call him N because i hate refering to him that way)was playing on the computer. (he just got on there we didn’t tell him he could)i believe he may have adhd and has transtion problems, well my bf got upset with N because he didn’t want to quit playing games and threatened to punch him in the face.i got up and yelled at my bf not to say that to him. I guess i feel like i am trying to protect him. So i am really worried to leave him in the hands of either of his parents, i would feel like i am abondaning him.Also I am scared of my boyfriends reaction if i tell him I want to break up, and i want to stay in our house, i don’t want to leave I want him to leave.But his name is on the lease too so I know i might have to concede on that one.

so i guess my question is how to i do what i should have done two year ago and end this for good with minimal damage to the kids, exspecially N. How do i let him go knowing the situation he will be in. Because even though he is not legally or biolgically mine, he is mine. How do i let go of one son to do whats best for me and my other two kids?

**Currently my boyfriend has no job, he lost it before thanksgiving basically for stealing oil they couldn’t resale, his mother has a job but is staying at a friends house with a family of seven plus N’s mom and N’s sister and nowhere for him to sleep. he has told me he slept on the floor and on the couch when he goes over there.And what if N’s mother finally does go to court and to jail, then what will happen to him if me and my boyfriend are broken up all ready. Also i am waiting on taxes too so i can pay all the bills becuase even with out a job my boyfriend does manage to scrape up rent. On a brighter note i am trying to go back to school in the fall so i can get a better job and not have to worry about money or weather a man can do his share ever again. sorry for the rambling.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]so i guess my question is how to i do what i should have done two year ago and end this for good with minimal damage to the kids, exspecially N. [/quote]

Call the police and report the fact that N’s father threatened to punch him. Immediately. Let the police handle domestic violence. You can’t, and you shouldn’t. If you don’t report this, and the child is hurt, you will have to know that you played a part in his getting hurt. 😳 If you see a child in a dangerous situation — you need to be responsible. 😉 Relationships are different when children are involved. They have to come first.

That said, N is not your child, and unless you and your guy are married, he’s not your step-child, either. 😳 Although you want to protect him, the best you can do is to report the threat his father made, and petition the court for guardianship, however the truth is that you have put your own children in danger by going back to this man, so you may not be considered a fit parent. And ironically, staying with him may make you appear to a court to be more of an unfit parent. I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but your going back to a man who threatened to kill himself in front of you and stuck a gun in his mouth, was a terrible thing for you to do for your children and really didn’t show good judgment as a parent. 😳

In addition, if his mother attacked you, keeping you in his life may very well promote more of those attacks. Especially if his father isn’t supportive of your safety, and is supportive of his ex. I know you think that she was wrong for attacking you — and she was (very much so) — but it’s more complicated than just that. She is a threat to your relationship with your boyfriend, but she is N’s mother and will always have a place in his life, and if you’re a trigger for her violence, and she’s a trigger for your unhappiness, as much as you want to be in his life, stepping out of it may be a bigger gift to him then staying in it.

[quote]How do i let him go knowing the situation he will be in.[/quote]

You don’t. You leave because if you don’t, you are endangering your kids. You can’t come first any more. You have to put the kids first.

[quote]How do i let him go knowing the situation he will be in. Because even though he is not legally or biolgically mine, he is mine. [/quote]

I know that this is going to be hard for you to hear and to acknowledge, but you are not the best person to take care of N. right now because you have too many problems of your own. If you get your own life together, maybe you can come back and petition the court for guardianship of N. But his relationship with his mother is important — even if she is a criminal, she’s still his mother, and as long as she sees you as a threat, it would be better if you found someone else to take care of him like an appropriate relative. Overall, for now, you need to start taking care of your own children and yourself.

[quote]How do i let go of one son to do whats best for me and my other two kids?[/quote]

He’s not your son. And unless you’re married to his father, he’s not your step-son, either. He has a mother and father. So, the best you can do is take care of yourself, make sure you report any violence or abuse of N to the police. Visit him regularly, and be there as a family friend who supports him. 🙂

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