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We have been friends for five years, and I have liked him for six years. I liked him before I found out he was gay and I still like him though he claims to be gay. After he told me he was gay during our first year as friends, I also confessed and told him that I liked him…I told him as a means of getting it off my chest I think because…I just couldn’t hold it in anymore, I had to tell him. Since he told me he was gay…it didn’t seem so scary to tell him about my feelings anymore either.

Before I get judged about liking a “gay” guy or even questioning whether he is actually gay, I’d first like to say that even he questions whether he is gay or not. Throughout these five years, he’s told me about guys he had relations with, but the majority of them were guys he only had an online relationship with. Never have I physically seen him with a guy in real life.

All the while, he had some crushes on girls, his first kiss was with a girl. He told me back then that kissing her was just to get it “over with” and so I got angry and lectured him…and he cried…but I knew that he liked her, he just didn’t want to admit it to me and..I realize now that it wasn’t my place and I acted out of jealously. We were recently reminiscing and he told me that I was right, and that he did like her and I apologized about what I did and we just laughed about it. He just didn’t want to tell me he did out of courtesy I suppose because he knew I liked him. One time, I also introduced him to my best friend that attended a different school, and he immediately liked her, he told me he liked her, and that he would totally date her. There were even times when he told me that if he were straight, he would definitely go out with ME. The first time he said it to me was during my sophomore year of high school, and then again during my freshman year of college. When he told me those lines the second time around in college…he followed with how he was confused with what his sexual orientation really is. I told him that its alright and that he’ll find out and that I’ll be there alongside him figuring it out “helping him, kicking him, stabbing him, hugging him, guiding him along the way” and during the time I was saying this, he added “kissing him” [along the way]….but for some odd reason, what he had said, did not register in my mind at the time, until I thought about it after we had parted….and I feel like….I had missed a long-awaited opportunity. Especially since he said [again] that if he was straight, he would date me.

I believe that…a person is truly gay or lesbian…when they’ve had crushes on the same sex since elementary school years. Other gay friends that I have had told me that they had crushes on their same sex since primary school years…and children during this time are so innocent, that one couldn’t help but believe they were just born that way, which is completely acceptable. My friend told me that he liked girls as a kid.

Keep this in mind that he is also an attention seeker.I believe that this is just something he started…to seek attention. His siblings and I have talked and we don’t believe that he’s actually gay, that it’s just a phase. When my family members met him, they didn’t believe me when I said that he was gay either. Again, even he has been questioning himself, he also believes that people are born this way…he’s been questioning lately if he merely chose to be this way.

Lately, I just can’t handle the agony of constantly wanting him. I don’t understand why its suddenly so much harder now, when I’ve been doing this for six years. Never have either of us felt such a strong connection with each other compared to our relationships with other people. We’re both able to completely be ourselves with each other unlike with other people.

My feelings for him aren’t something I can really get over, and I don’t believe I ever will, I can accept it, and even if we can’t be more than friends, I know I’ll always cherish and support him. I’m only incredibly strung on this because I genuinely don’t believe that he is gay. What do you think? Is he really gay or seeking attention? and was he hinting at something when he mentioned me “kissing him” ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you started a string of posts a couple months ago, please go back to your first post, and my response, and add this new post as a “reply” so all your posts are in one place, and I can give you much better advice that way, as can everyone else here!

I’ll look out for your new posting, and when you post this there, I’ll answer you. 😀

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