[navigating321]

Hi,
So, I’m 22 my boyfriend is 25. He has big plans to build a beautiful house on the farm land beside his parents in his hometown and already started the process of taking the land over…but I’m not completely on board with it.
He’s just about ready to get married and have kids and the whole deal, and I feel like I’m not quite ready for that yet. I will be eventually, and I hope it will be with him, but just not quite yet.
I also have a problem with (eventually) him wanting to live right beside his parents in a town an hour from the city we’ll both be working in and 3 hours from my own hometown 🙁

I know we haven’t been together for that long but we’re very close and honest with each other.

He’s definitely bound and bent he’ll build a house there and have his nice life there but I’m totally scared about it and not really sure what to do and how to approach the whole situation.

Any insight from you would help tremendously!
Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust your instincts. 😕

You’ve only been dating for seven months, and you’re clearly not ready for the commitment he’s offering — to live next door to his parents. He’s on a different timetable than you are, and he wants his parents right next door, which you’re not cool with — these are both deal breakers. The tough thing for many people to understand is that someone can be an awesome person, and you can love each other, but incompatibilities like timeframe and in-laws can be deal breakers. It’s a lot harder to accept these types of incompatibilities because the person is so nice and has so many great qualities. It’s easier to break up with someone who’s abusive, cheats, doesn’t want to work, or wants 12 kids when you want none– but this is more difficult because it can seem a lot more nuanced. Nonetheless, make sure you don’t compromise where you aren’t willing to. Slow it down. You’re only 22. And be true to your own values. If things don’t work out with this nice guy, there will be someone else who is more compatible when it comes to timeline and in-laws.

I hope that helps.

[Sally]

Twenty-two isn’t too young, but it is young to be making decisions that basically lock in the whole rest of your life. And your boyfriend sounds like someone who already has his picture of the future framed and hanging on the wall. That alone can be scary not because you don’t love him, but because you’re still growing into who you are.
It’s okay that you’re not ready for marriage and kids yet. It’s okay that the thought of living beside his parents makes your stomach drop a little. None of that means you don’t care about him. It just means you’re thinking about your own life, too.
Talk to him when things are calm. Tell him you love where this is going, but you’re not ready to rush into a life you didn’t get to help design. If he wants a real future with you, he’ll make room for your needs, not just his plans.

[Tara]

This man has already written his life script, and you’re not a co-author; you’re a supporting character he expects to follow directions.
He’s building a house next to his parents, in his hometown, on his schedule, for his vision of adulthood. That’s not a “plan you’re discussing.” That’s a fait accompli. The only question left is whether you’ll obediently squeeze yourself into it or finally admit this future makes your stomach turn.

You’re 22. You’re not late, confused, flaky, or “scared of commitment.” You’re just smart enough to recognize a trap when you see one. Marriage, kids, isolation from your family, living in the shadow of his parents, all before you’re read, isn’t a compromise. It’s surrender. And pretending you’ll magically want it later is how people ruin their lives politely.

That dread you feel isn’t anxiety. It’s clarity. Your body already knows what your mouth is too scared to say: this life doesn’t belong to you.
Stop hiding behind “eventually.” Eventually is cowardly language. His timeline is now. Yours isn’t. That alone kills the relationship, no matter how much you like each other. Love does not override incompatible futures; it just delays the fallout.

Here’s what you do, and you do it without soft edges: you tell him you are not ready for marriage, kids, or living next to his parents, and you will not contort your life to fit his. No apologies. No “maybe someday.” No self-betrayal to keep a man comfortable.

[Member]

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