[99%PatienceByVirtue]

We have been 2gther 8 years and so much to wonder about. Engaged in ’03 we never walked down the isle until this year. My now husband stalled and stalled. If it wasnt an excuse of his finances it was mine, then he used his kids as a crutch. I wanted to start our family and he wanted nothing but to make money. It started in ’05 the original wedding date that he postponed. Then he worked endlessly as it seemed and our sex life was lil to none. At one point I felt he was cheating but he brought paystubs in to prove it, but I never saw where the money went. When we did have sex it seemed meaningless and just by obligation. He even ceased doing the sexual things that made me love him so.

I hung in there. But in ’07 we just stopped talking and when we did he was alway angry as if he was being bothered. I seemed to be wasting my time. I had gone from extremely happy to nothing. Several outings and vacation trips a year with and without the kids to hoping we’d get a rental movie and watch it together. We began to pass in the wind that is when I decided I wanted out. Versus cheating as I began to suspect he was, I notified him I wanted to end the relationship, the reasons why and that I would be open to dating someone else if the opportunity arrised. I gave the date I planned to move completely out.

In the next month I met someone, they were right under my nose the entire time but I was too devoted all those years to notice. We connected mentally, spiritually and physically. I could see a future with him and his child. I was giddy to say the least, like a school girl. My finances postponed my original move out date, however my then ex professed his love for me and promised to marry. I beleived him, withdrew from my new found relationship and tried to reinvest with my ex who I had built so much of a foundation with. No hard feelings with my new friend. As the time neared to wed it all began again the “issues” I made no delay stood my ground and took flight. Surprisingly my friend was waiting all along and wanted me back, no issues at all, 100 genuine.

I took it so slow, knowing I was not over my ex and confused as to why I did all I could and it didnt work. I felt like I was headed for failure in the new relationship regardless because he would beleive he could string me along too. Without warning I was whisked away with a declaration of dying love by my ex, professed with tears, snott and the “I lost my whole life” phrase. He never cried before never and the loving things I heard him say in front of strangers, WoW. I took that leap of chance, told the new friend I was going to try to make it work with the ex one last time and he told me he respected my decision and Good Luck. I married shortly after to my ex/finance and that recent friend told me he was crushed, contacted me with comments of suicide and tormented me into feeling guility by talking of good times we had. It took six months to break the contact but I must admit I miss him.

Its a been over a year, things in my marriage are well – not as I expected. For one reason or another he disapproves of my friends, thus I dont keep company. He complains all the time about nothing (helps none around the house), having more kids conversation ends in ok and no action, sex is just a daily duty assignment because he only willing to do for me if he gets some daily, doesnt want me to work but I should have money for every household need and too arrogant to recognize I have needs and feelings too. He is moody and ever hard to please. He claims I am high maintenance but he cant state he every paid a bill or expense of mine since day one. We disagree on money and depite my lower income he expects me to pay half the mtg and utility bills, auto ins on 5 cars, all the groceries and take 100 care of the kids and the home.

He beleives he knows everything , gets upset if I dont follow his advice. He tells me what I think without asking me. He doesnt know my family. I know I have gained weight (50 pds) from being stressed or maybe depressed. or maybe its from sleeping 3 hrs a night, from working so hard. Now he’s back to always working but I dont bother to check the paystubs. Sadly, I thought today maybe he will cheat and just leave, then I will be free on his terms, cause I have defined him as that controling (not physically abusive). He handles all my money to our house in his personal acct not our joint acct, so I can not track it and he ignores me when i mention an overdue bill in the mail. I try to find positive mediums in my life and remember all the good times we had for years. I have bent over backward for his whole family and tolerated his clingly ex. He kids were clearly unrully and I am glad they are of age and have moved out. From the outside we are revered as the perfect couple, but I know the level of disorder. I wonder is this all I have to look forward to. In my heart I wonder is there any hope or should I let go? My biggest fear is being unstable for my teenagers (not his) but they have known him as a parental figure since they were 5 and 7.

[Ask April Masini]

You were dating the wrong guy, were engaged to the wrong guy, lived with the wrong guy, left the wrong guy, went back to the wrong guy, married the wrong guy, and are now miserable as you’ve always been with him. So the question is, why are you doing this over and over?

It’s not really about his behavior. The question is that knowing what you’ve known about him, why are you with him over the course of 8 years?

If you are being truthful, that your biggest concern is that you provide stability for your 2 teenagers from another relationship, then my advice to you is to commit to this marriage until your teenagers are no longer minors. What this is going to require is that you commit to this marriage which you so badly wanted, and got, for better or for worse.

You need to start taking responsibility for yourself in this relationship. Stop making yourself out to be the victim. You’re not a victim. You campaigned for this marriage and you got it. Now make it work.

Instead of not bothering to check his pay stubs, get involved in your family finances, if that’s what you want to do. But do it from a place of caring for the family’s future, not from one of blame.

Take responsibility for making yourself sexually desirable for him and for your part in spicing things up in the bedroom. Getting your sex life back on track will really help.

If you’re overweight, start working out and watch what you eat. You’ll feel a lot better if your physical body is in good shape — or even if you’re [i]moving towards[/i] a goal of health.

If he doesn’t want you to work and you want a job, and are able to handle juggling raising your kids, caring for your husband and home, and working at the same time, then consider part time work as an interim compromise, and discuss it with him — again, from a place of caring for your relationship with him, and explaining that if you work, you’ll feel better about yourself and about contributing to the family coffer, and ultimately, that will make you feel better about things between the two of you!

These are just a few suggestions, but basically, you have to start looking at the glass as half full and at all the good that you do have in your life that is contributing to the stability you are providing for your teenagers.

I hope that helps, and please let me know how things go. 🙂

[99%PatienceByVirtue]

Thank you April for the response and I agree with many of the points you made.
I am going to do my best to make the best of things until I feel the need is over.
I am going to work on me in the meantime and what makes me happy.

[Ask April Masini]

I know that that’s the best thing for you with no downside, so good luck, and please do let me know how it goes. 😀

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