[Limb0]

Hi, I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months now, who has told me he loves me and my feelings for him is mutual. The problem is that I want a committed relationship. He has stated that he also wants more but he will not be rushed into something, he believes that we should build a spiritual foundation. He works opposite hours that I do so we see each other about once a week maybe every two weeks. We’ve only been on 1actual date. Everytime I tell him that I need and want more and I walk away he calls the next day or sooner telling me that he doesn’t want me to leave him and wants me in his life. We aren’t in a relationship so what am I walking away from right? So my question is am I jumping the gun or am I justified? Should I just totally call it quits and block his number and move on with my life?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re definitely jumping the gun — and if you follow a few dating rules, you’ll have better results.

First of all, use the first three months of dating anyone to decide if you want to continue dating them. During those three months of dating, you should get to know him and figure out if you’re compatible. You should play the field during this time so that you don’t pressure him or yourself into making something work. Instead of trying to force it to be something, get to know him and the relationship and see if it is one you want to pursue. Since you’ve been seeing this guy for four months and have only had one date, I’d suggest he’s not that into you. A guy who really wants to get to know you, will. He hasn’t. 😕 I don’t think there is any reason to block his number or be dramatic. Instead, just let go and move on. You may find that doing this piques his interest and he becomes more attentive when you’re less available. 😎

[Limb0]

Thank you so much I really needed to hear that! I’m going to take the advice that you have given me and make good use out of it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

Four months in, one real date, seeing each other every week or two, and no commitment isn’t building anything. Saying “I love you” without showing up consistently doesn’t count for much. And the whole spiritual foundation thing sounds nice, but right now it’s just a pause button that keeps you waiting while he gets comfort without responsibility.

What really stands out is the pattern. When you pull away, he panics and pulls you back in. Then nothing changes. That’s not confusion, that’s control mixed with fear of losing access to you.

You’re right you’re not walking away from a relationship. You’re walking away from limbo. And you’re justified in doing that.
If you stay, expect more of the same. If you leave, it’ll hurt for a bit, but the anxiety will stop. And that matters.

[Tara]

You are not jumping the gun; you are finally paying attention. This man is selling you spiritual poetry to avoid commitment while enjoying full emotional access to you. Four months, one date, seeing each other once every one to two weeks, no defined relationship, yet he says “I love you”? That’s not romance. That’s manipulation wrapped in incense. Love without action is noise.

Let’s be brutally clear: he does not want a committed relationship with you. If he did, you’d already be in one. Men who want commitment don’t need unlimited time, vague “foundations,” or repeated almost-breakups to decide. They decide and move. What he actually wants is for you to be emotionally available, patient, loyal, and not demanding while he gives you crumbs and keeps control. Every time you try to leave, he panics just enough to pull you back in because he doesn’t want to lose the benefits. The moment you stay, nothing changes. That’s the cycle.

You’re right, you’re not walking away from a relationship. You’re walking away from a holding pattern that benefits him and drains you. And yes, blocking him and moving on is exactly what needs to happen, because as long as he has access to you, he will keep you suspended in “almost.” You don’t need to explain, negotiate, or wait longer to be chosen.

[Member]

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