[acidmouse]

My fiancee and I have been together for just over a year, with a couple of separation stints. We are young, 19 and 20, and his parents took the liberty of separating us several times over the course of a year, as well as our own arguments leading to “breaks.”

In April, my son was conceived. My fiancee and I had separated about a week before, I was heartbroken, and made the mistake of going to see an ex. I told him I did not want to have sex with him, I only wanted to party and relax, and invited him to go to the club with me. Apparently “no” was never part of his vocabulary and he forced himself on me. I called the police, filed my report, and haven’t had contact with him since. This is where I believe my son was conceived, but I won’t know 100% until he’s born.
When my fiancee and I reconciled and he moved back in with me, I didn’t hesitate to tell him when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted him to know the truth because now it involved him. He told me he would be there by my side forever, and that as far as he’s concerned, it is our son. That really lifted my heavy spirits and we moved on with our life together.

I recently found out that he’s been telling what seems to be everybody he’s ever met that my son isn’t his. While this may be true, I asked him to keep this to himself from the beginning because I only wanted the most trusted people to even remotely know anything about our life. I only trusted one other person with this information, which is his uncle who happens to be the officer I initially reported to.

I’ve asked him a few times before “Does this bother you? You don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable, and you don’t have to accept my son as yours until you know he is.” He always get this hurt face and tells me that he’d never run, blahblah. But he doesn’t seem to realize that when he tells everybody, it hurts me too. I feel like everybody is staring and whispering. I don’t know who he’s told, so I’m never comfortable around anybody. I don’t leave the house to socialize much anymore, because I’m afraid he’s told our mutual friends.

I’m not sure what to do, or how to approach this anymore. When I try to talk to him, I feel embarrassed and confused, and nothing gets accomplished.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The truth is your friend. Embrace it! 🙂

Secrets often lead to problems, and that’s just what you’re seeing. So roll up your sleeves and prepare to do some hard emotional work.

First of all, being raped is a traumatic experience as well as a crime. It’s understandable that both you [b][i]and[/i][/b] your fiance are having trouble dealing with what happened. He may not be able to feel that he can talk to you about this situation because he may be embarrassed or ashamed that he wasn’t able to protect you from what happened. He may feel that the break up you and he were undergoing when your ex-boyfriend raped you, was to blame for the rape, and that somehow he was responsible for what happened to you. He may be feeling other things that you and I can’t even fathom because they’re his personal feelings. Talking to other people may be his way of trying to process his feelings. Talking about the baby not being his, may again, just be his clumsy but ‘best he can do’ way of processing his confusion.

So, I’d cut him some slack on his betraying the secret you were trying to hold onto. Tell him you’re hurt that he’s told other people, but that you understand how difficult this is for him, as well as you, and that you understand he needs to talk to people other than you about this very big deal that happened.

My advice to you is to start opening up and talking about what happened to your very closest friends. You’re right that this kind of story evokes gossip, and people staring at you, both judgmentally and in wonder. When something traumatic or bad happens, you get to find out who your friends are. This is that time for you. Open up, expect some (inappropriate, but understandable) rejections, and some real support from people who want to help you emotionally and to be your true friend.

When you do have the baby, I would suggest you have a DNA test to determine who the father is, so you have some facts to go on. I know you must be scared deep down that the baby is not your fiance’s, but I encourage you to face that fear, and muster up your strength to learn the truth. I promise, that truth will make you stronger.

Good luck! And let me know if you need any other help. 🙂

[Member]

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