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Hello,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for about five months now with my boyfriend. I think it’d be good to mention that I’m eighteen and he’s twenty-three. Lately we’ve been having intense arguments and I don’t know what to do. Last night we almost broke up but I’m afraid it’ll actually happen if we keep this up. He was extremely negative and felt like giving up, saying, “I don’t think this is working out…” and I was extremely heartbroken.

By the way, I’ve never been in a serious relationship so I’m new to these feelings…and it sucks because I don’t know how to control them. I have insecure feelings about myself and I end up being too stubborn to listen to him–which he hates. I’m trying my best to listen but the words he says hurts me so I act defensive–even though I know he didn’t mean it, it just…hurts. We’ve said some hurtful things to each other and I don’t want this in our relationship. These arguments are usually something small but it just grows bigger because we only talk via text…so if I pick the wrong word, he’ll read it wrong or if he does, I’ll read it wrong.

I’ve been stressed out with university, work, and family lately and I end up blowing up when we enter an argument. I don’t mean any of the things I say but I feel like I can never undo them. Sometimes he doesn’t tell me how he feels either so I feel like he’s lost his trust in me. However, he keeps reassuring me that he does trust me. I feel like he doesn’t love me as much anymore–that he looks at me differently–and I dunno if it’s because I have trust issues from past relationships. So I start wondering things such as: “what if he’s not telling me everything” or “does he really want to stay with me or is he pitying me”.

TL;DR: Arguments are stressing the both of us out and it’s getting worse. How do I calm myself down to listen to him explain when I already feel stressed out from other activities? And how do I control my emotions?

Thank you 😀
P.S: He’s very emotional.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just because you have an emotion, doesn’t mean you have to express it. Your boyfriend is not (and should not be) everything to you. You have girlfriends, family, neighbors — other people you can talk to so you don’t have to dump everything on him. Creating a relationship means making choices about what you want to tell him, react to, do with him, etc. So, my advice is to use discipline and planning to decide which of your emotions that you’ve been sharing with him, have been creating problems, and try expressing them elsewhere. This is harder to do than it sounds, but it’s a great practice for you to use, especially at your age. If you can master it, you’re going to have an easier time with relationships in future.

Next, understand that his emotions may not actually have to do with you. He may be having problems in other parts of his life, and projecting them onto you. So, don’t take this feelings personally, all the time. That doesn’t mean you should ignore them, but do consider that you may not be the reason for them. 😉

Third, try to diffuse the fights, not fuel them. You can try taking his calls or returning his e-mails and texts when you’re calm and in a good place — not when you’re stressed and overwhelmed. Don’t immediately text or write back if you’re cranky. Wait. Find your sense of humor, as well, and this will serve you. Everything doesn’t have to be an argument if you look at it from a different view point.

And lastly, compliment him and appreciate him. It sounds like this is getting lost and your contact is more about conflict than it is about kindness, appreciation and love. You may be surprised what a quick fix this kind of behavior can be. 😉

I hope that helps.

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