[ant86]

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now. She is a bit of the insecure type and doesn’t really like to hang out with my friends all that much, which is something we have both been working on. One night I decided that I was going to go out with some friends for a graduation party and I lied to her saying that I was just going home to sleep. I don’t know why I did it. At the time, I was probably trying to just save myself from all the whining and nagging I was going to get from her for deciding to go out late when I had to go to work in the morning. Not an excuse for lying I know, but that’s how I felt at the time.

Anyways, she found out from someone that was with us that I was there and she flipped out. She started saying that she can’t trust me anymore. I felt really bad for lying to her and I sincerely apologized to her and told her my reasons as to why I did it. She had every right to be mad at me but then she threw the ultimatum at me. My friend is getting married in Vegas in July and due to money constraints, both of us can’t go together. Due to the fact that he’s my friend and not hers, I had decided that I would go without her. Now she is demanding that I not go to the wedding, or else she will break up with me.

I get she’s hurt and doesn’t trust me because I lied to her, but I told her that my friend’s wedding has nothing to do with her and her claims that I care more about going to Vegas than our relationship are just complete rubbish. I’ve constantly tried to apologize for lying, but she hasn’t forgiven me in the matter. I just don’t understand why she is making me choose between my friend’s wedding and her. I understand we have our issues, but his wedding is something that is unrelated to our issues.

I told her that I still wanted to go to the wedding, and of course it pissed her off even more. Now she claims that I want to go to the wedding more than I love her, which isn’t true at all. Am I in the wrong here for still wanting to go to the wedding? Or is she the one that’s right and that I’m being foolish? Any help in the matter would be appreciated.

[AskApril Masini]

Okay, first of all it would have been better if you hadn’t lied to her. 😕 That said, it’s understandable ([i]not right, but understandable[/i]) that you lied because you know that she doesn’t like your friends and you also know from recent history that she would have given you a hard time about going out with them. [u]This is the underlying problem. [/u]

That said, she needs to see her part in this problem and that it’s not all about you withholding the truth. Your not telling the truth was a derivative problem. Unless of course you’re a chronic liar which doesn’t sound like the case. It really appears that you took this drastic measure of lying because you wanted to see your friends. That’s not good! 😮

Until this issue is resolved, you’re both going to do things like lying and giving ultimatums.

Instead of dealing with this problem of your friends, she’s now leveraging it onto this Vegas wedding trip and pressuring you further. I hope that this time you won’t lie to her. I think you should go to the wedding because there’s no issue of you cheating on her with any of her friends or disrespecting her with any of your friends — in fact it sounds like she just doesn’t like them for some reason that I don’t understand. If you give in to her ultimatum (which solves nothing in the long run and promotes this kind of hijacking your social life to promote her insecurities) you’re going to be bitter, resentful and enabling.

Go to the wedding and make your friends the important part of your life that they are — just as I’m sure you’ve made [i]her friends[/i] part of your life.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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