[Anonymous]

We’ve been together about 6 years now. It all started very whirlwind-ish after my divorce. He was a laid back musician who was kind to everyone and happy just to be alive. My ex was a type A, critical jerk who cheated on me. It was seriously love at first sight, not to mention me being thrilled with a guy who was everything my ex was not.

We’ve been through it all since then, house, kid, jobs, school. He was just getting started in life, and I lost everything in my divorce, so we are still struggling with money. Now I am pregnant again. We were told after our first son that we could not have more kids, but we were planning on a small family anyway. So this is, honestly, a total surprise, but not an unpleasant one. However, I am very stressed and angry this time. We both work full time, we are both in the same accelerated degree completion program (full time students) and he also still plays music on the side for extra money. With a three year old, and another on the way, it’s just been hard.

None of that is the problem, though. I am sick of living like him. When we first started dating, he was a slob, I knew that. But I was happy to take care of him and figured he would eventually realize he liked living in a clean house and would start helping out. In the six years since, I have slowly degenerated to his level. I just got tired of constantly picking up after him, tired of all the talks, him promising to help, but never coming through. Tired of nagging, crying, fighting, yelling. Then when our son came, and he was no more help than he was at first. We now live in a total crapper of a house. I can’t even see my way to decorating the place because it’s always a disaster.

I totally changed for him. I quit going to the health club (mostly just can’t afford it), started eating crappy food because he doesn’t like “health food” (we’re talking not even 2% milk), so obviously I’ve gained weight (and now I’m pregnant again). I didn’t even own a TV when we met, but now I’m addicted to the tube and the internet. I really don’t have the energy to get up and doing anything especially now. Plus, he got us a dog last year, and it has literally torn my house up, and he won’t get rid of it. It eats furniture, amongst other things. Probably going on $5000 into this dog, between buying him (I know), all the damage and the vet and upkeep bills.

He says he loves me. He’s very affectionate and still loves sex like crazy. I know he would never cheat on me, which is really the most important thing to me. He has made some changes, getting a full time job, doesn’t go out like he used to, etc. Call me crazy, though, I demonstrate my love for him through attempting to keep things at a reasonable level around here. I mean, we wouldn’t qualify for Hoarders or some messy house show. But it’s borderline some days. He always has clean laundry. He always loses things and I find them for him. I do most of the child rearing. To me, though, a good relationship is about compromise. I’ve compromised myself into a person I don’t even like very much for him. Is it too much to ask that he quit watching basketball long enough to take care of our home or some personal hygiene a little?

There’s way more, of course, but I need to just quit rambling. Does any of this make any sense to anyone? How can you lose yourself so much into a relationship and not have the guy recognize it and reward it with some change on his own level? I guess that’s the real question.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not a child, so stop acting like one. 😳 It’s not him you’re mad at — it’s yourself! And he’s not really to blame at all. You are. So recognize your part in choosing someone you couldn’t change, and decide what about yourself you can change so that your life is less stressful.

You’re doing the same thing with your own lives that you did with him — expecting the world to bend to meet your needs. It’s impossible to be full time students, work on the side, have a three year old and another on the way, and not have the chaos you have in your lives. Something has to give, so rather than be the victim of that implosion to come, YOU decide to take something off your plate. Here are some suggestions:

1. He quits being a full time student and instead gets a full time job. He has two children to support. This isn’t the time to have a job on the side. It’s the time to have his education on the side. Same for you. (When you get out from under your current stresses, consider going back to school part time to finish your degree programs — but only after you’re not so angry and stressed.)

2. Sell the television if you can’t stop watching and spend the proceeds on a gym membership.

3. Give the dog to a friend, neighbor or a shelter. The $5000 you spent on the dog should be going towards your children, not pets. Priorities are important in life. Be an example to your kids by making tough choices for the right reasons. In fact, you could afford a housekeeper once a week for the price of your vet bills.

4. Stop making excuses about eating junk food. Because “he likes it” is not good enough. You’ll save a lot of money, feel fitter and be a better parent if you buy and serve healthy food instead of processed food that has no nutritional value.

Do those four things and your life — and your relationship — will improve by leaps and bounds. I promise.

I hope that helps and that you let me know how things go.

Follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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