[hotblonde015]

Hello,

I have been having trouble in my relationship and I never thought I for one would be using a relationship for advice but when push comes to shove, sometimes you just need to do what you need to do. So here I am.

I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for the last three years. We are currently together at the moment. When I say on and off that is because we broke up a few times in between. When we first got together we lasted one and a half years, then we broke up, six months later ended up back together and broke up after a couple of months and then a few months later found our ways back to one another once again and a couple months have gone by and we are still together.

The reason we broke up in my opinion the first time was because he has really bad anger issues, he cannot communicate effectively, he isn’t affectionate and doesn’t always put me “first”. However, despite these issues here we are, dating once again. Why? I feel as though even though he lacks in these qualities, I still love him and want to be with him and make this work. Yet, these are serious issues that seem to be tearing our relationship apart. A little more in depth to the problems we have: he has bad anger, what I mean is if we have an argument about something (whether it is big or small) he will shut down right in the middle of it and refuse to talk to me, this literally goes on for hours and then when we finally resolve our issues whether it is within those few hours or the next day, it is like the issue wasn’t resolved because he will hold a grudge and continue to be down the next few days which ultimately ruins the time we have to spend time with one another. We already get limited time as it is because of his work schedule so the time that we do have I look forward to but when this happens it just kills the mood and puts strain on our relationship. As for the not being able to communicate, this happens all the time whether its a simple question or an important topic. He literally cannot communicate with me. He never has anything to say back to what I say, he just sits there in silence and I will ask him to contribute with me back to the conversation but he never really does get more than a sentence here or a sentence there which is quite frustrating because if he cannot communicate with me now, how will we ever have a future and be able to communicate about more important things? As for affection, he lacks this entirely. He never really says anything nice to me, he doesn’t hold my hand or anything along those lines. If we go out I will try to hold his hand but he always lets go after very short amount of time. Sometimes when we are out it feels as though we act as just friends because that is the body language. He doesn’t act like a romantic partner and that bothers me considering I need affection — I need to feel wanted and loved and needed but he doesn’t really make me feel like that. Finally, the last issue we have is he doesn’t put me first. What I mean by that is, my boyfriend has a complicated work schedule, I am lucky if I see him 2 times a week and when we do it isn’t for a long period of time. However, lately he just has been wanting to spend time with his friends on our days and not really caring if he sees me or spends time with me, which really bothers me, and hurts my feelings. I like spending time with him and being with him but it doesn’t feel as though he feels the same.

I have told him how I feel and how important to me that it is that we work on these problems, I try my very best because I do really want to stay with him, yet, everytime he tells me the same response which is “I will try to work on these problems and turn this around”, but, he never does turn it around, if he tries, he tries for a week and then it is right back to having these issues which is why we have broken up so many times. I get fed up and hurt about all of this. Sometimes it gets so bad that I make myself sick over it which is why I eventually have to leave and break up with him. However, I do feel that I love him or I wouldn’t invest this much time in him or this or even come back each time but I do so that must mean something, right? I am just feeling as though our relationship is headed right back to the negative spot and I am starting to feel fed up again and I don’t know what to do. I need advice and that is why I am ultimately here. I need someone who doesn’t know me or him to give me an opinion from what they have read, so please help me. Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[hotblonde015]

I am 22 and he is 25

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you. Your ages help a lot. A 25 year old guy may not be as mature as you are, and he may not be ready for the same level of commitment as you are. However…. that fact aside, I think you can do better for yourself. A guy who doesn’t communicate, doesn’t show you affection, fights with you, walks out when he can’t communicate, and is spending less and less time with you and more and more time with his friends — and you’ve broken up a couple of times already, isn’t showing promise for a future with you. Honestly, I’d love to see you with someone who feels lucky to be with you — not burdened by it. My vote is to leave. 😉 Don’t date someone for their potential. Date them for who they are now.

[hotblonde015]

Thank you. Hearing that was actually insightful I needed to hear that. I always give him the benefit of the doubt to try and work on these things but it seems like when it does, it never sticks and within a short amount of time he’s right back to the same way. It’s unfortunate because I do love him and his other qualities but at the same time I feel like how can I be in a relationship that could last me for the rest of my life and he doesn’t fulfill basic needs like communication and affection. I keep hoping he will change but I see now that I just don’t think he will and I think he also doesn’t change because he knows I always took him back before knowing he didn’t, I always settle for less than I deserve and I can’t seem to figure out why.

[AskApril Masini]

Love isn’t enough. You can love someone, but not be compatible for a long-term, committed relationship. And when you figure that out, you’re way ahead of the game. When you date, look beyond your feelings. For instance, knowing your deal breakers as well as your wish list for partners is very important. If you only want to date guys without kids, know that. If you only want to date guys with certain types of jobs, know that. If you want someone athletic, or who practices a particular religion, or no religion, know those things. You can love someone, but be so distressed that they’re a couch potato, gaining weight, and not very social, that your love is ground down and your relationship suffers. You can love someone, but fight so bitterly over what religion to raise the kids — that the fighting can be what splits you up in spite of love. Love is awesome, but the day to day life of a long-term, committed relationship, over years and decades, requires compatibility and respect in addition to love.

I think you’re about to enter a great phase in dating… taking care of yourself and a relationship that is better suited to who you are and who you want with you. Not just who you have feelings for. 😉

[hotblonde015]

One more question, so him and I do talk about marriage quite often so it’s not that he doesn’t want a long commitment. He always asks me what kind of ring I want and we talk about where we want to live, and etc. could me talking about future talk be pushing him away and making him lack in these areas?

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t think that your talking to him about marriage has anything to do with incompatibilities. People can want to marry — and still be incompatible.

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