[anonymouslyconfused]

So confused…

Ok so here is the deal, I know I am going to probably get a lot of flack about this but I truly need someone that is objective. I have been married for 13 years and have three kids. The marriage is not without some significant problems like a lack of any commonality and trust issues that stem from past infidelity. The thing is that on some level, I do still love him, and overall he is a good man. I am just not sure that I see him as part of my long term future; nor have I for many years.
Enter the dilemma. I met someone while taking some college classes online and we started talking, initially because of school since we both carry the same major. We have now been friends for over a year and would consider each other our best friend. When we first met he was at the tail end of a divorce due to his ex-wife infidelity and we set boundaries that said we were friends and nothing more because he would never want to affect my situation. He is genuinely a good guy and wants only what is best for both of us.
The problem comes in we have both developed feeling for one another which have been there for several months but neither of us said anything for fear of losing the other. Well due to a misunderstood conversation the facts came out and we both realized that it was not one-sided. In addition to all the other complications of my situation… we live in separate states. All of this seems insane, I know, but cutting ties to him is just not an option since even the thought creates a pit in my stomach. He says we can just go back to the way it was before all of this was made know but I don’t know that I can.
It seems that there is no answer and I am truly at my wits end. I love him but I don’t want to hurt my husband for something that I am not will work out. I know the logical answer is just to divorce him anyway but there are kids involved here and I am not going to do that just to have it done. I feel like there is no answer and I am doomed to live with this pit in my stomach.

Help?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is an answer and it’s pretty clear:

Just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you should act on it. Children under the age of three act on their feelings and parents are obligated to socialize them so that they understand that there are things more important than feelings in life. Behavior. Your part in a society (family, neighborhood, extended family, nationality, etc.). Character. And the list goes on.

It’s fine to have a feeling for a man, but you’re married and you have a commitment to your husband and three children. The guy you have feelings for is an online relationship in another state. Are you kidding??? Don’t leave your husband. Turn off your computer, instead!

Decide to commit to your marriage because your husband is a good man and you have a family together. Be the change that you need in your marriage. Tune up the sagging parts of your marriage the same way you’d maintain your car.

This isn’t a triangle — it’s a real marriage and family vs. a fantasy that’s a bad hobby for you. Don’t run away from your marriage. Instead, face it and do the work that will make it wonderful again.

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go — and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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