[Anonymous]

Hi April,

I’m so confused about this much older gentleman, a student who goes to the same community college I attend. I started falling for his charm but I’m starting to think I was used as a toy for his amusement, being a huge flirt to everyone. It’s really, really long and I apologize in advance but no rush…this is eating at me though, and I needed to ask somebody!

It started out, I was walking into the vending lounge and I noticed that as I’m walking this man sitting in one of the desks (doing homework) is looking up at me smiling. I smiled back and felt a lil’ shy because he stared and had a shine in his eyes, but I thought nothing of it and kept walking. I attempted to get something out of the vending machine but it was giving me a hard time so the man came over and tried to help. (I turn around and this tall, dark, older but handsome man is standing there). He made light of the situation and it actually became less stressful and kinda fun…he introduced himself, asked my name and shook my hand. Later on, after we were done flirting, he went back to his seat and I noticed from a reflection (he didn’t know I was looking) that he looked back at me and was looking over to where I was seated for a lil’ bit. I looked at him a lil’ later and smiled and he smiled and came over and sat down and asked me how old I am, where I’m from, standard questions; offered me a ride (told him I was waiting for a bus), things like that. It was kinda short, but he left and looked back as he walked off and smiled while waving goodbye. That was the first time I met him.

Since then I’ve crossed his path several times…seeing each other more and small talk. Like for example he saw me in the lounge and came over and spoke briefly, smiled a lot; one time we kinda flirted and he gently and briefly touched my elbow, he stood kinda close, etc. One time he walked into the school’s library where i work after i told him i worked in there, and asked if I had a bf, if I wanted a man in my life, etc. He goes there rarely though. Another day, he asked if I wanted to go with him to get something to eat (I was so nervous I rejected him). The next time, we met in the lounge again and he was busy getting tutored. Afterward, he noticed me and came over and spoke to me, he shared info about himself, a little bit of some personal things, asked me more about myself, I share a lil’ bit of personal experiences in return, etc. He smiles a lot, and sometimes seems as though he’s trying not to, or talks about how I’m gonna end up marrying an older man one day (he spoke about that a lot as if he was trying to indirectly convince me to go out with older men or like it or find it acceptable in case I didn’t?)

Brought up that if I wanted to come over to his place cuz he doesn’t like going home alone, & I declined, but that made me think he was a player. When I shared things about myself he seemed interested and like he cared, gave me advice, etc. HE brought up the fact that he is noticeable in the school, I asked why and he said because he’s older. I asked him how old he was and he hesitated and looked like he was calmly thinking then said a big number, but when I acted shocked he laughed and admitted he was joking. Then he asked me how old does he look, and I said in his 40s and asked if he was and he said yes. I later find out he is 35 years older than me. He lied about his age, and idk why…is he a player…trying to use me for fun? As we spoke more he said : “I wouldn’t lie to you” when I asked him if where he was from was real or if he was just joking again (cuz we were form the same state). At the end of the convo he told me I could talk to him anytime and asked if i had a cell and wanted to call me (I didn’t give that to him….yet). And asked me what i liked about him, if I was curious about him, and after I briefly said a lil of what I liked he asks me if I am checking him out, and then asked again as he was leaving with a smile on his face asking me if I ”liked him or something.”

Whenever he sees me he smiles a lot and looks me up and down a lot, asks me how I am doing, but we are always going somewhere so he keeps it brief. He talks to everyone and is always smiling though, and he seems confident and comfortable with women anyway as I’ve seen him in the lounge with females studying with them or he randomly talks to strangers (male or females) and even does in front of me. Also, he is in a class of mine this semester and he talks to this other girl a lot; was talking to her before this semester too, so he might like her or is flirting with her too.

Before the semester we had another conversation and in it he didn’t want to tell me his age, and when he spoke about dating young girls (which he has) I brought up why should age matter, and assuming he might have thought I was referencing us going out, he laughed for a while and told me, basically, that I wasn’t his type (which I found rude) but then after continued to pursue my number (again) and all. The next time, he asked me if I was mad at him because he didn’t want to tell me his age, and I said no and he told me a number (another mislead, because I already knew his age) and then eventually told me the truth after he saw I kinda already knew. For someone who doesn’t think I’m his type, why care what I think? He’s obviously insecure about his age, and even about himself even if he comes across as confident & a ladies man (which he said he’s been called that after I told him I thought that is what he was). I even heard him once telling a guy who spoke to him and gave him daps, that I was checking him out, and with a huge smile on his face (he didn’t know I heard).

Basically, what does he want from me? I’m shy and quiet, I mind my business and he pursues ME. He’s hard to figure out…I just want to know if he is genuinely interested or if he is just a player, looking for fun…or wants sex…I have no idea. Obviously he is interested, but to what extent is what I wanted to know. I really like his personality and he looks good for his age so I am interested in him even with the 35 age gap, but it upsets me that I could be just another target, another girl he is flirting with, but the only girl who hasn’t given him my number or went out for lunch with him. Thank you for reading all this, but…I don’t know anymore, I’m confused and am even jealous sometimes…help?

[rberkland]

My opinion, a guys opinion… He wants sex. Especially if ge is flirty with other women, he is just increasing his odds that one will bite. Without knowing him it’s hard to say, but he sounds like a player looking for a one night stand or a friend with benefits. The fact that he lied about his age is a red flag. Don’t forget that.
I know guys that do this to get women in bed and that’s all.

[Anonymous]

You said you are shy and quiet and mind your own business. He sounds creepy. He has deliberately continued to talk to you because he senses you might be someone who will just go along with what he wants — to date young girls. Do NOT go anywhere with him. Stop talking to him, and if he initiates a conversation, keep walking. Find people your own age and make an effort to get to know them. Slowly start making plans with them and try to get more involved in your own life. You will start to see him differently if you do, I promise.

[AskApril Masini]

Since there’s a 35 year age gap and you’re in college, I’m going to guess you’re about 20 and he’s 55 years old. I don’t think that the actual number of years difference is the problem. I think your lack of experience is what’s making you confused. Men have sex because they can. That’s a given that you may or may not realize.

If a man wants a relationship with you he’s going to treat you like he wants a relationship with you. He’ll ask you out on a date. He’ll be interested in getting to know you. He’ll start to feel proud of you and want to show you off to his family and friends.

Your guy isn’t acting like a man who’s interested in having a relationship with you — regardless of his age. It’s understandable that you’re intrigued by him because he’s different than the other guys your age, but if a guy of any age is flirting with you and doesn’t ask you on a date, you have to assume he’s not interested in anything other than sex or making himself feel good because he’s got a girl who’s interested in him.

You should read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you understand premises like these better. You can buy the book at the link I just gave you or on the websites for Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I’m not just trying to sell books here, although that does help support this free advice site — I’m recommending a book that will help you a lot. It will help you understand what men want and what their behavior really means, as well as what behavior you can change, enhance and exhibit in order to find, get and keep Mr. Right.

I hope this helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Anonymous]

Well he asked me out to lunch several times and also my number, is that considered asking for a date or no?

[AskApril Masini]

Sorry — your post was so long it was easy to miss facts!

Yes — his asking you out to lunch is a date, and if you want to go, you should. But read Think & Date Like A Man first. You can buy it (on sale!!) here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. The book will help you understand better what his behavior, his body language and his lifestyle mean in terms of his commitment to you.

Dating isn’t easy — you have to work at it. If you’d like to find out more about him, accepting a lunch date is a good first step.

I hope that helps. 😀

[Anonymous]

Yes, that does help, thank you. One thing I was confused about though was that he said once after i referenced him wanting to date me, that i wasn’t hs type, which was accompanied with a hysterical laugh. He also said once, “Just go out to dinner, it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

It’s not really a date or me he’s interested in, right?

[AskApril Masini]

Any guy who tells you that dinner with him doesn’t have to mean anything, isn’t really interested in your well being. What guy would want to waste your time like that? My advice is that you find someone who seems to care more about you than this guy seems to. I know you’re intrigued by his age, but you sound conflicted, and it’s probably better for you to let him go. He’s experimenting. If you are, too, then you’ll have that in common. Otherwise, if you’re looking for a more meaningful relationship, you’d do well to find it elsewhere.

I hope you’ll still buy Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you can get a complete lowdown on how to find (and recognize!), get and keep Mr. Right. The book is on sale for only $8.99, so I hope you’ll get it today. 😀

[Member]

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