[giggledunkin16]

My current boyfriend of almost a year is currently “almost” divorced..right now they are waiting for the judge to finalize it. as we have become closer he has opened up about his past relationship with his wife, they were together 8 years. he describes her as an alcoholic, and turns into a nasty, violent person when she’s drunk, and always wanting to be with her friends acting like shes in her early partying years. she all of a sudden lost interest and started doing her own thing, he even thought that she might have been seeing someone. he finally had enough and moved out. from the way he talks about it i can tell that he really loved her and was very heartbroken.. now, he never wants to talk about it, and anything he says is negative.. i asked him to call and find out if the divorce was final. a couple days later he said he call talked to her. He also said that it was really hard to do, and when i asked him if he still had feelings for her he responded with, “its like having a loved one die, it gets easier as time goes by” and i responded with “well you can never really replace them either”…. and he said “no”. i know that we are still early in our relationship and this whole thing went down in the past 3 years… but will he ever be able to let her go? If we continue with our relationship, i want to be the one that he wants to be with and loves, and if she were to ever change and get her act together, that she wouldnt even be a thought to him… is this possible? will he ever “get over” his ex?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re asking good questions. Not everybody gets over an ex the same way or in the same amount of time. And everyone’s process for getting over someone is different. I don’t know how long it will take him to get over her or what his process will be, but the real question here is that given neither you or I know his process or his timeline, what’s YOUR interest in staying with him during this process? And, what’s your part in the process? That’s right, as his girlfriend, you are involved in this.

Even when someone is the one to leave a marriage — it doesn’t mean that they’re the first one to get over the relationship, or to not have regrets and especially mixed feelings. Speaking negatively about an ex is sometimes a way to distance oneself or to remove blame or responsibility from oneself. However, if this is too much for you, you do have a right to speak up and explain that this is hard for you to hear because, X, Y and Z.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound, from what you wrote, that your boyfriend is in love with his soon to be ex-wife, but he was, and a failed marriage often doesn’t go away with the signature of a judge on a declaration. It takes time.

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