[allamy63]

Hi April. This has been really been been a problem for me now for a while. My boyfriend met his ex in high school and they have had an on off relationship for 40 years ending about 10 or 12 years ago. At one point they were engaged but broke up so many times they decided to and they decided to end it but remained friends. I met him about four years ago and we have dated and been together ever since. In the beginning of our relationship she would come over to his house for dinner about once a week or once every two weeks and he would go over there for dinner. I could never come over if she was there and I have never met her but she knows about me and saw me drive by one time when I thought she would be gone and he usually had me over after she left and she saw my truck and thought I was a stalker. He and I have grown closer because of some things another ex-girlfriend and her did to me such as a letter I read that was sexual that was sexual and a text I saw when I was standing in the kitchen with him when I was standing in the kitchen with him and she was responding and she was responding to him about a sex dream she claims he contacted him about. He denies it and denies it that he ever told her that and I don’t know who to believe. He said she is just trying to hurt me and I asked him why would he continue to be friends with somebody that would do that to me and told me he would stop contact with her but I know he hasn’t because I check his phone on his landline and I see that she has called. He says that he wants to forgive her because they have been friends for so long and I should forgive her too as he is pretty religious. The more I think about it the madder I get and it is hard for me to be nice to him because I feel as though he doesn’t have my back because of how she hurt me with that text I am so confused and I know he loves me but I don’t know who to believe her or him. The relationship is getting very hard for me because I don’t know whether to let this go but what because it is eating at me and I can’t talk to him because he gets mad. And I still have never met her so I pulled her up on Facebook and saw her picture and she noticed that when he was looking at something on my phone and I found out he called her and told her I was looking her up on Facebook and she blocked me and I was so mad he did that because once again he did not have my back but he always has an excuse what should I do?

[AskApril Masini]

Your boyfriend may say that he loves you, but he doesn’t treat you very well. 😕 Stop blaming his exes. He’s the one you should be concerned about. After dating him for four years, if he still has his ex over and won’t let you be there when she’s over, he’s got a thing going on with her. My advice is accept his relationship with her — and move on. He’s never going to leave her for you. 🙁 You can do better. 😉

[allamy63]

But she doesn’t come over anymore and hasn’t for a while since she saw me drive-by., But I still feel they talk all the time because I see her phone number on his landline phone and he’s not supposed to be talking to her especially after the sex dream text I saw that he denies. I want to believe him that she did it trying to hurt me , because he also told her I got into his phone and was snooping. (Which I did) because I wAnt to get to the bottom of this.

[AskApril Masini]

She’s his ex fiancee, and she’s still in his life. You don’t trust him after dating for four years, and you’re snooping through his phone and doing drive bys to see if she’s at his house. If she was married and you were all double dating, that would be one thing — but the two of them have this secret relationship that you’re suspicious of. That’s not the basis for a healthy relationship for you. 🙁

[allamy63]

I am being so aloof to him now because he won’t talk about it with me and thinks I’m being jealous when I really just want to know if he still talking to her. I am not jealous I am frustrated. He has a very good with turning things around and making me the bad guy but I almost do believe him that it is only me he wants and I am sabotaging this relationship because my actions. I just can’t get past that text she sent that she said she was responding to him about the sex dream he called her about. I’m really starting to believe he did not send that she did it to hurt me but I don’t understand why he would maintain contact with her and that eats at me. When that happened he should have broken all contact because if you really loved me and saw me crying like that he would have ended all contact and had my back. Am I right or crazy.

[AskApril Masini]

You are right. 🙁

[Sally]

The problem isn’t just his ex. It’s that he keeps choosing her comfort over your peace, over and over. Being friends for decades doesn’t excuse hiding you, sharing private things about you, or letting her stir up drama that hurts you.

What really stands out is that you’re never allowed in the same space as her, yet she’s allowed way too much space in your relationship. That’s not balance. And when you’re upset, instead of listening, he gets mad or spiritual about forgiveness. That leaves you alone with your feelings.

Love should feel safe. Right now you’re constantly second-guessing and checking phones because you don’t feel backed up. That’s exhausting. If he can’t clearly choose you and protect the relationship, this will keep eating at you. You’re not wrong for feeling this way.

[Tara]

You are not his partner, you are the accessory he hides while he maintains an emotional marriage with his ex. Forty years on and off, weekly dinners, secret contact, sexual texts, inside jokes, forgiveness sermons, and you’re banned from ever meeting her?

That’s not “friendship,” that’s a long-term emotional affair with you standing on the sidelines begging for scraps of loyalty. A man who has your back does not keep another woman in your face, protect her feelings over yours, lie about contact, gaslight you when evidence exists, and then use religion as a shield to excuse his cowardice.

He’s not confused he’s comfortable. Comfortable lying, comfortable triangulating you, comfortable letting you spiral while he plays the calm, reasonable one.

You checking phones, stalking Facebook, and seething with resentment isn’t you being “crazy” it’s your instincts screaming because the situation is rotten. And instead of fixing it, he shuts you down, gets angry, and runs to her to report on you like you’re the problem. That alone tells you exactly where you rank. Spoiler: second place. Always have been. Always will be. If after four years you’re still hidden, unheard, and disrespected, this is not a rough patch this is the permanent structure of the relationship.

[Member]

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