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Dear April,

So last March I started a new job as a seasonal employee. I really thought everyone didn’t like me because they were already used with one another, but after about three weeks, people were acting a lot friendlier. Especially one of them,(I will call him “Toby”) who I could’ve sworn strongly disliked me. Anyways, we work at a movie theater, so one day he invited me to a midnight premiere where a lot of other coworkers going also. I declined, since I had a midterm the next day. The week after, he asked how my midterms had gone, and then asked me if I had seen the film yet. I said that I hadn’t because I still had one more midterm. Then he told me to let him know when I was done with midterms so that we could go see the movie because he wanted to see it again. I wasn’t sure if that was a date, so I didn’t think much of it. The next night, we were closing and two other coworkers were acting weird around us. It kinda felt like when teenagers tell their friends that they like someone, and then those friends try to push them together. That’s when I realized that he had told everyone that he liked me, so they were questioning me if I had a boyfriend. I still didn’t think anything of it, and two nights later we went out. On our “date,” we went to see a movie where we work, so then I noticed the people working at the time were giving us funny looks, and I realized that it was a date. Before the movie started, we were walking around the shopping center where he told me about his ex girlfriend. He has mentioned her before, but this time he was more elaborate. Basically, she cheated on him and broke up with him by calling him to tell him that she had cheated on him while he was cheating on him again. I didn’t know what to say, but I gathered that this was recent, even though he wouldn’t tell me.

The following night, we went out again and saw a different movie at a different theater. After that date, he started talking about his long-term plans with his future significant other. At the end of our date, he called us official and kissed me. On the drive home, I was ecstatic, but this was also my first relationship ever, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. However, in the following days, I started to realize that this was all moving too fast. I didn’t work that weekend, so we were texting when I asked him if he was free, because I wanted to talk. After that, he was distant and we didn’t text that entire Sunday. On Monday, I showed up to work and said hello to him. He didn’t reply and just stared back; we were pretty busy so I just attempted to ignore him. About an hour later, the lines had died down and we were by ourselves at the concession stand. He stared at me coldly and asked “Are we going to talk?” I replied that I didn’t want to talk at work, but I could tell that he wouldn’t let it go, so I said “I think tho is moving too fast, and I don’t really feel comfortable dating a coworker, so can we wait until my seasonal position is over?” As soon as I said wait, he walked away from me and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. I was upset, because I thought my reasoning was understandable; I barely knew him and I was new to the whole relationship thing, but I knew that it was moving too fast. When the other employees started coming back from breaks, he and another coworker were talking silently in a corner, but I knew it was about me. That was mid-May, and things have been so weird and uncomfortable ever since then.

I thought that was the end of it, since his body language and attitude made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore. Yet, about three weeks later, a coworker who I had never exchanged more than “hello” with strikes up a conversation at the concession stand, during a slow period where we were restocking. He said that I was “Toby’s” ex and that he was telling people about it. That really upsetted me, because we hadn’t exchanged words since, these people still didn’t know me, but now they new that I was “Toby’s” ex. I asked what he was saying, and was told that he was telling everyone that I dumped him, that I was cheating on him, that he broke up with me because I have a lot going on right now that he just couldn’t deal. Basically, different people were getting different versions. Ever since then, people are coming up to me, asking what’s going on, and I know now that I just shouldn’t be answering, but I’ve been replying that I thought things were moving too fast, I didn’t want to lead him on, and that we are not exs because he called us official on a second date. Apparently he’s also asking what I’ve been saying about him and that we are still not over because we never really talked. In my opinion, we are over, even though what we had was only starting, but it will most definitely not continue.

Anyways, last week I found out that he’s hooking up with another girl at work who has a boyfriend, which I don’t understand. He wouldn’t stop talking about how his ex girlfriend cheated on him, yet he’s doing the same to that girl’s boyfriend. My coworkers are still questioning me about it, they are also saying that they hate working when we are both together because of his body language, and “Toby” is still talking about it, so two nights ago, I asked my friend if he wanted to see a movie with me, and he’s only my friend, but I told him what was going on and he agreed. We went to the theater and everyone working was staring, and I did not realize that “Toby” was working that night. As soon as he saw us, he got on register and started helping customers while my manager was ringing us out for the popcorn we bought. “Toby” would not stop staring over, so I new my point was made; I was so over all the drama at work. Yet, yesterday, “Toby” took over another coworker’s shift, so we were working by ourselves for a whole hour before I was off. That hour was the worst hour of my life. We were not talking and he kept hiding in the back, so when we had huge lines, he would be who knows where while I had to deal with all that.

I now have a permanent position, so I know that we will be permanent coworkers. I just need advice about the whole situation. Should I let management know? Should I talk to him? I don’t know what to do, but people are still coming up to me and asking me, and I’m tired of it. I’m also tired because I did talk about it to my friends (who don’t work with me) and he’s talking to about it it our coworkers; I never wanted to lead him on, so I put a stop to it before things got out of hand, but things are already out of hand. And it no longers seems to concern only us, thanks to him, it “concerns” 20+ of our coworkers.

Please help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re very enmeshed in movie theatre employee gossip. The best way to disengage from all the unpleasantness that comes with gossip is not to spread it, not to condone it and to simply change the subject when anyone starts discussing your romantic life — or anyone else’s. Don’t talk to management — this shouldn’t be a big deal. Just disengage.

And for future…. consider a dating timeline I like to share (because it works!). If you’re dating someone, use the first three months of dating to get to know each other and decide if you want to continue dating each other. If you do, then use the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous or not. This may seem like a super slow timeline, but what it does is allow you to get to know each other without the pressure of a commitment that comes too soon and creates drama. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 🙂

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