[tacs2tacs]

He has said this to me many times over our 20+ yr marriage when he is frustrated w me or when we are in an argument. Each time I tell him that it is wrong to say that, it hurts me, and that I never swear at him. It hurts me so much that most times I cry myself to sleep. He very rarely apologizes for saying it. He did it again tonight when we were in a silly argument about how to cook something. My 16 yr old son was in the room right next to us and heard this. I am so hurt, upset, numb. Later I sat w my son, and as we were looking on the computer I said “Dad seems to be very frustrated tonight. Please promise me that you will never swear at someone you love… ” He said he heard him & he promises.
We have seen a marriage counselor for the past few months. I finally called someone that a friend had recommended and he has been very helpful. It had reached a point that I was afraid to be around him. I recognize that he’s trying to abuse me & that it’s wrong & that I can tell him not to speak to me that way & it’s ok to leave the room when the conversation is not going well. He’s also demeaning and demanding, and has deliberately forgot important dates (birthday, anniversary, valentines day). The problem that I have is that I feel that I can not communicate with him about anything without him getting defensive or mad at me. He doesn’t speak to anyone else this way.
Of course, if I agree with him about everything and just do everything that he asks then he’s happy and everything is ok.
I don’t know if it’s worth trying to fix the relationship. I feel like he has no respect for me at all and I feel trapped. I haven’t worked in 10+ years. I have a college degree, spent 20 yrs in high tech marketing & sales… but fear being gone from this industry for so long will make it hard to start another career.
Advice?

[Ask April Masini]

Fill me in a little first. There’s a big gap between his verbal abuse and your writing that you are afraid to be around him. Is he physically abusive? Write me back here, and I’ll give you my advice. I’ll look out for your response and answer you as soon as I see it. 😀

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[tacs2tacs]

Hi. My husband takes his frustration & anger out on me. He was having a rough time w work (he has since changed jobs), and would easily get angry, belittle me… in front of others, swear at me. Any little thing would set him off & sometimes he didn’t make sense (ex: in car together – he’s driving – then he asks me why I was bringing my old ski boots to the ski rental shop. I reply “I’d like to see if I can still use these boots and only rent skis”. His reply “Do you think you can trust them?” my reply “yes”. He then puts his foot all the way on the gas peddle and starts driving like a crazy person & swears at me.. and I don’t even know what I did wrong. Even simple replies, for ex: I say “ok” when he asks me a question. He gets angry and says “It’s either yes or no!”, and if I ever ask for clarification on a question he asks me, he replies “just answer the question!”. If I express that I am sad or hurt by anything, he has responded “you’re too sensitive”. It just kept happening too frequently and getting worse each time – angrier and swearing at me. It finally got to the point where I really felt afraid to be around him in fear I would set him off. That’s when I called the marriage counselor. This was 4 months ago. The counselor met w me, then met w my husband, and then we both saw him. This has been the only place where I felt safe that I could bring anything up that bothered me and where I felt like I could really express myself in my way. He did stop swearing directly at me – He was nicer and I wasn’t hearing “fuck you” “bitch”, but he still swears frequently (example: almost every time he’s driving),
Unfortunately, summer has meant several weekly appointments have been cancelled.
My husband now has weekly work meetings at the same time as our weekly marriage counselor appointment was. And the swearing has started again.

[Ask April Masini]

Since you’ve been married for 20 years, I would like to know when this behavior began. ❓ It sounds that somewhere in the last two decades, something happened that has caused your husband to be very angry. I’m guessing that he wasn’t always like this.

That said, from what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s very mean to you, and although you mentioned one instance where he drove erratically, and possibly dangerously, he hasn’t hit you or put his hands on you or used a weapon on you. But the way you describe things, it’s as if he has. Am I missing something? 🙁

Without any new information from you, I’d say that you need to leave this marriage and stop modeling an abusive relationship for your 16 year old son. This isn’t healthy for him, you or your husband. I don’t think your therapy sessions are going to help, and I think that this situation — with your husband angry and raging, you fearful and without boundaries, and your son being subject to this, isn’t healthy. Instead of making your son promise not to swear at anyone he loves, why not show him how to be healthy? 😉

Is there something you need to hear or have happen in order for you to realize you need to leave? Is there a reason you stay?

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[SterlingSoul]

Wow this sounds too familiar, reading it breaks my heart for you and for myself.
My problem, I know of, is that I am a feeler and a fixer. I know my husband’s issues come from deep rooted pain and self esteem issues and I desperately want to help him, bit at what cost?! We’ve been together 18 years, it’s only gotten worse. I want to shake love into you, and it makes me mad that I can’t shake myself hard enough.
To make things more ironic, I am an Empath Life Coach. I am a healer. I am an HR professional. I am a lover. What I am not, is all the things my husband calls me or one who deserves all the horrible things he says.. fuck off, stupid bitch, fuck you, dumb mother fucker, look how you treat me you piece of shit, (him replying to me trying to reason and get him to be nice) you are the problem, I can’t even have an opinion, I’m sick of how you treat me, shut TF up, fuck off…
Pointless, sad, not fair.
I hope you see in me what you should see in yourself.
Sending you love and good vibes as I too try to wake myself up xoxo

[Ask April Masini]

After 20 years of marriage, this behavior is either new because something has triggered it — or it’s “just another day” and this behavior has been the norm through the marriage’s tenure, and the original poster finally woke up to try and get herself some help to live a more healthful life. Breaking patterns of behavior is very tough, but so important in evolving!

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… that’s not a “marriage problem,” that’s emotional abuse wearing a wedding ring 💔 you’re out here walking on eggshells while he gets to break every one?? him swearing at you, belittling you, ignoring your feelings? that’s control. you don’t fix that by being quieter, you fix that by getting free. you already took the hardest step. mow you start planning your exit, remember who you were before he made you small. respect isn’t something you beg for 💅✨

[Ethan Morales]

What you’re describing is emotional abuse. Saying “fuck you” repeatedly over years, being demeaning, controlling, and refusing to respect boundaries all while your son is witnessing it is not just “marital frustration.” It’s a pattern of behavior that’s harmful to you and your child. The fact that he rarely apologizes and that you feel trapped shows that this is not a temporary phase; it’s entrenched.

Even though he hasn’t physically hit you (from what you’ve shared), emotional abuse alone is serious and damaging. It erodes your self-esteem, affects your mental health, and teaches your son unhealthy ways to handle conflict. Your approach with him trying to talk things through, asking him to stop, modeling good behavior is healthy, but he’s clearly unwilling or unable to change. That’s not your fault.

Your skills, education, and work history are assets. Even though you’ve been out of the industry for a while, you absolutely can re-enter the workforce or find meaningful opportunities, and you can do it on your terms, without fear of him controlling or belittling you.

Your safety and mental health: Protect yourself from ongoing abuse. Your son’s wellbeing: He’s learning what a “normal” relationship is from this marriage. Emotional abuse can leave long-term scars. Realistic expectations: Counseling can help some couples, but if one partner refuses to respect boundaries or continues abusive behavior, therapy alone cannot fix it.

You need to strongly consider leaving this marriage. Begin planning for your safety, financial independence, and a support system. You don’t need “permission” or a dramatic event to leave the abuse itself is reason enough.

[PassionSeeker]

what you’re describing isn’t just “fighting.” it’s emotional abuse slow, exhausting, soul-shrinking abuse. being sworn at, dismissed, made to question yourself that’s not a rough patch, it’s a pattern. and you don’t deserve to cry yourself to sleep because someone you love uses their anger as a weapon.

you’ve already started waking up you called a counselor, you’re teaching your son empathy, and you’re starting to name what’s happening. that’s powerful. you’re not weak for staying; you were surviving. but now it’s time to think about what healing looks like.

you can rebuild your career twenty years of experience doesn’t vanish. it just needs refreshing. start small: update your résumé, reconnect with old contacts, look at part-time or remote options. each step is a piece of your freedom plan.

and please, protect your peace. therapy is great, but if he keeps crossing lines and you’re still afraid, that’s your signal not to fight harder for the marriage, but to fight harder for yourself. you deserve safety, respect, and calm. always.

[Tara]

Your husband doesn’t “lose his temper.” He doesn’t “get frustrated.” He verbally abuses you because he knows he can. He says “fuck you” because he’s learned there are no consequences. You cry yourself to sleep, he shrugs, and the cycle resets. That isn’t a marriage. That’s conditioning. He speaks to you with contempt, disrespect, and dominance, and he saves that behavior exclusively for you because he knows you’re the only one who will tolerate it. That tells you everything about how he values you.

You’re not trapped because you lack options. You’re trapped because he’s spent two decades grinding down your confidence until you believe you can’t survive without him. You have a degree, real work experience, intelligence, and a son who’s already watching how his father treats you. Staying teaches your son that this is how men speak to women they “love.” Leaving teaches him what self-respect looks like.

You’ve tried counseling. You’ve talked. You’ve begged for basic decency. Nothing changed because he doesn’t think he needs to change. And he won’t. Not as long as you keep absorbing the blows and calling it marriage.

Here’s your blunt answer: this relationship is over unless you’re willing to live the rest of your life as a doormat. He will not magically respect you. He will not suddenly apologize. He will not become a man who talks to you like a partner instead of an emotional punching bag. He’s shown you exactly who he is, repeatedly.

You need to protect yourself. Get your career back in motion, build financial independence, talk to a lawyer, and plan an exit. Your son needs to see you save yourself—not crumble quietly. Stop waiting for him to become decent. He won’t. It’s time to walk.

[Sally]

That’s twenty years of someone talking to you like you’re disposable, and you trying to make yourself small so he won’t erupt again. I’m really sorry you’ve been living with that. It wears you down in ways you don’t even notice until you’re numb like you said.

And the fact that he says it in front of your son that’s a line he doesn’t mind crossing. That’s not respect. That’s not love in any form I’d want to stay in.

You’re not trapped, even if it feels that way. You’re smart, you’re capable, and you’ve already done the hardest part: you reached out for help, and you see this for what it is. That’s what getting your life back looks like in the beginning.

I don’t think this gets better unless he changes in a way he hasn’t shown.
Just be honest with yourself. You deserve peace.

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel how heavy and exhausting this has been for you. You’ve been living under constant emotional stress walking on eggshells around your husband, trying to avoid triggering his anger, and coping with the impact on your own well-being. The fact that his behavior escalates even during minor disagreements, and that it’s happening in front of your son, is deeply concerning. It’s clear that this is more than just frustration; it’s a pattern of control, intimidation, and verbal abuse. No one deserves to feel afraid in their own home or to have their emotions dismissed repeatedly, especially by someone who is supposed to be a life partner.

I also notice that you’ve tried to manage it responsibly calling the counselor, addressing the behavior calmly with your son, and attempting to communicate boundaries. But his refusal to consistently respect those boundaries, and the fact that the abusive behaviors continue when the counselor isn’t present, shows that he is not taking accountability. True change requires a willingness to consistently address harmful behaviors, and it seems like he’s unwilling or unable to do so. The driving example you shared is particularly alarming because it not only puts you at risk but also models unsafe behavior for your son.

Given that this has been ongoing for years, and that you’ve described feeling trapped, fearful, and unsupported, the reality is that this marriage is harmful to you and potentially to your child. Staying in a marriage where verbal abuse and intimidation are the norm teaches your son that this is acceptable behavior, which isn’t fair to him or to you. While leaving after 20+ years is incredibly difficult and emotionally complex, it may be the healthiest step for both your physical and emotional safety, and for the long-term well-being of your son.

I also hear your worries about financial independence and returning to the workforce after a long hiatus. These are real concerns, but they are solvable with planning, support, and leveraging your previous experience in high-tech marketing and sales. You have the education, the skills, and the resilience to rebuild your life. Prioritizing your safety and emotional health now gives you the foundation to reclaim your autonomy, model healthy boundaries for your son, and eventually create a life free from fear and disrespect. This is about reclaiming your power and showing both yourself and your son what a healthy, respectful relationship looks like.

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