[standupguy]

Hello, I’ll try to keep this as short as possible but want to include all the details so please bear with me! I know that there are a lot of ‘He/She says he/she needs a break’ posts out there but I feel that my situation is somewhat unique (Because the relationship has had zero problems and we already spend extended periods of time apart due to work) and would appreciate any feedback.

My girlfriend (25yo) of a year and a half showed up at my (30yo) door a month ago in tears and basically blurted out that she felt like she needed a ‘break’ from our relationship. This came out of nowhere (at least for me), we even had a nice dinner and great evening together the very night before and I didn’t sense anything being wrong. She was very upset and crying and after the shock wore off I was in tears too. She told me that she felt like she has been in a relationship all her life and hasn’t had any time to herself. When I met her, she was only a couple of months out of a 5 year relationship and indicated at the time that she wasn’t looking for anything serious but we really connected and developed a serious relationship within 4 months.

We spend a great deal of time traveling separately for work and her decision to take a break came only a few days before I was set to leave for a month overseas. She would also be leaving for business and due to conflicting schedules, best case we’d see each other in 2.5 months but worst case (though unlikely) we’d be looking at 5 months apart. It is rare that we ever have to spend this much time apart but it has happened once before (3 months) and I thought we did a really good job of emailing/talking on the phone while we were apart however my girlfriend recently said she agreed that we did a good job but finds this very difficult and doesn’t feel like it’s an healthy relationship when we’re only talking over the phone.

She said that the main reasons for wanting a break was so she could have some time to herself to ‘figure things out’, feel independent, find herself, and not feel responsibility to maintain a relationship while on the road. I expressed clearly that I didn’t want a break but told her I understood where she was coming from and would try and support her. She also mentioned worries about the future, where my job may take me (namely away from her) and her interest to go back to school probably in a different city than the one we’re living in now (FYI we don’t live together). This exposes the only real underlying problem that it now turns out we have in our relationship, the fact that we haven’t talked about the future a whole lot in detail. And probably haven’t communicated on a deep level as much as we should have in a relationship of over a year. It shocked me to hear that she assumed the worst: At some point I would leave her to follow my work and at some point she would need to leave me to go to school! We have never discussed this though (I now see how the lacking communication here is a serious problem) and I tried to reassure her that for any future plans I have considered for myself, I have always considered how she would fit in and vice versa.

After a long talk (about some things that were long over due) we parted ways. She asked about staying in contact and I originally said no, it would be too hard for me, but changed my mind after a week and now we talk once a week or so. We agreed that we wouldn’t see anyone else while on our break and said that the next time we see each other 2.5 months to 5 months from now, we’d revisit the relationship. Or she said that as soon as she knows for sure how she feels she’ll let me know.

It has been a month of hell for me so far and I’m just feeling so confused and unable to relate to the feelings she’s experiencing. Of course my imagination has been getting the best of me and I often find myself thinking of only worst case scenarios and worrying a lot.

I guess what I’d like to hear are your general thoughts on my situation?
Am I fooling myself thinking that she’ll sort things out and want to continue the relationship?
Should I try to talk to her about future plans/feelings/etc now or wait until we meet up to revisit the relationship? (My worry here is that I really want to give her her space and not badger her with my worries)
I’m also worried that she may just be trying to let me down easy (though I really have no reason to) and am thinking I should just confront her with that and give her an out if she wants it? (Again though, I don’t want to upset her and push her away or make her feel like I’m not supporting her with the space she has asked for)

Wow, that was way too long! I’m sorry but it’s also good to get it off my chest. Please let me know if you have any feedback or advise for me/us.

Thank you very much!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This didn’t come out of nowhere. Women in the age bracket you’re in, are looking for a future with a man, and after a year and a half, there doesn’t appear to be one that she wants with you. Usually, during the first three months of dating a couple decides if they want to continue dating each other. At about six months they decide if they want to be exclusive, and at around a year, there’s a commitment. She didn’t get that, and she’s moving on.

I hope that helps explain what the problem is.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[standupguy]

Sorry double posted by accident!

[standupguy]

Thank you for the honest reply.
I guess it’s unfortunate that she feels that she can’t just be honest with me. I guess maybe she’s confused and doesn’t know it herself but it would be better for both of us if she just ended things.
When you say ‘she didn’t get that’ in regards to commitment, do you mean that she doesn’t feel that she wants to commit or do you mean she not feel commitment from me?
Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure it’s fair for you to blame her for not teaching you what most men your age already know. 😕 You refer to her dishonesty, but I wouldn’t call it that at all. In fact, I would have advised her to do what she did.

After dating for a year, there was no sign from you of a ring and a vow or a second set of keys and a significant piece of jewelry that shows the relationship was moving into a higher level of commitment. That was your job. 😉 It’s not her responsibility to teach you.

If you want her back, you might try showing up with a ring and a question — but my suspicion is you’re not ready for that, and since she is, she’s right to move on.

[standupguy]

Ok, I’m a bit confused. I seem to have given off the impression to you that I’m against or not ready for commitment? I assure you that’s not the case. Your point that I didn’t express this to my girlfriend is valid though and I may have been unwittingly giving off mixed signals. I certainly don’t [i]blame[/i] her for things, but she is typically a strong, confident girl who speaks her mind and I guess I just figured that if she was wanting a higher level of commitment, she would let me know.

I hadn’t considered the idea that she was waiting for a serious sign of commitment from me. If that’s the case I have really dropped the ball. The idea that she proposed this break instead of simply asking or discussing commitment with me still seems out of character for her but I suppose it’s a possibility…

Unfortunately, my gut feeling tells me that she is the one who in unsure of whether she wants to commit to me. I now see this as a double edged sword though because why would a woman want to commit to a man if they felt that he wasn’t interested or ready for commitment? Is that a safe analysis?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When a man wants a commitment, after dating for a year, he shows up with a sparkly piece of jewelry and a question that starts with “Will you…”. It’s that simple. 😉 There’s no reason for “analysis”. 😳

Read Date Out of Your League for tips and hints on how to win with women — it’s going to help you a lot. 😀 Here’s the link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Caydenpamela44]

You really make it seem so easy together with your presentation however I in finding this matter to be actually something that I believe I might by no means understand. It seems too complicated and very vast for me. I am having a look ahead for your next submit, I’ll attempt to get the hold of it!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hang in there, and you’ll catch on! 😀

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