[ted76]

Hi, I have a question about fast paced relationships.

My daughter who is 24 was in a relationship with someone for 6 years and broke up with him last year. I know that things were not going very well between them for the last 2-3 years.

Before she broke up, she met this guy who she started talking to for a few months (3-4 months) and she was interested in him while still with her old boyfriend.
Eventually she broke up with him and immediately she started a series relationship with the new guy.

Here is what I find troubling.

Immediately, they moved in together in his home and about 9 months latter they got engaged. They still haven’t been together for a full year.

I know by daughter and she is a very dependable person, she needs to feel secure and being in a relationship provides that for her. I am not sure what to think about this guy she is with but I do know that he has a 2-year-old kid and he is not much to look at.

I am not sure how things are going between them (my daughter is very private) but the image that she is promoting (mostly on social media) is that is is very happy and madly in love. A bit too happy ! She puts up updates just to say how in love she is and several pictures together.

Here is my question(s):

What is the average life expectancy of fast paced relationships ? (Bare in mind that she is not the easiest person to live with.)

Why would they get engaged so soon ?

Is she rushing because she needs someone to support her ? (psychologically and financially)

Is this man good for her ? He has a kid with another woman only 2 years ago and they are not together now.

What is this image of her being so happy that she is showing in social media? I know that she tends to show off and especially with things that are not true.

Please be honest, don’t sugarcoat it.
Thank you.
Ted.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]What is the average life expectancy of fast paced relationships ? (Bare in mind that she is not the easiest person to live with.)[/quote]

Even if I had statistics to quote you, they would just be statistics. Statistics tell a story about averages, not specific situations, and you really want to know about your daughter, not statistics. 😉 My timeline that I suggest for people dating is to use the first three months to get to know someone and to decide if you want to continue dating them. If you do, use the second six months to decide if you want to be monogamous. Obviously, people get swept up in romance and fairytales that are supported by quick love. Real life is a lot more gritty and takes a while to see when you’re caught up in a quick romance. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don’t, but giving relationships time allows problems to surface and couples to make more thoughtful decisions. Of course, there are plenty of long-term relationships that started as one night stands, but it’s not my recommendation.

[quote]Why would they get engaged so soon ?[/quote]

Sometimes people are just ready. Men are usually a lot quicker to re-marry if that’s what they’re looking for. He could also be impulsive. She may see him as a rebound, or as someone who is giving her the engagement that her six year ex-boyfriend didn’t. And you said she likes financial and emotional stability, so those needs may be met by this relationship. Other reasons include getting caught up in the romance, or she wants to start a family — or perhaps, already has!

[quote]Is she rushing because she needs someone to support her ? (psychologically and financially) [/quote]

Maybe. You could ask her. Some women do couple up to fulfill these needs.

[quote]Is this man good for her ? He has a kid with another woman only 2 years ago and they are not together now.[/quote]

All you’ve told me about him is that he’s a single father who’s not very attractive. Those are neutrals. What is of concern is that he moved in with her, or had her move in with him, very quickly. That indicates an impulsiveness that may supersede thoughtfulness. Obviously, moving in together so quickly isn’t a great idea.

[quote]What is this image of her being so happy that she is showing in social media? I know that she tends to show off and especially with things that are not true.[/quote]

That’s a generational thing. It’s not just her. The “selfie” is all about showing the world the self image you want them to see. I wouldn’t read too much into it. Instead, you should talk to her about your concerns and see if she’ll open up to you. It sounds like what you really want is a more intimate relationship with your adult daughter. Try taking her to lunch and just talking to her — and better than that, listening. 🙂

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[ted76]

Thank you very much for your helpful comments.

Here are some observations.

My daughter is by nature a very negative person. She is constantly stressed about things and especially about her future. She is also very good at getting her way with people though means of manipulation. This is not just my observation but also something she admits herself.

At the time of her break up she was living alone away from home and away from her Ex. She was not in the best of conditions and she was tight with money. In addition to that, I am certain that her Ex was one step away from ending the relationship himself and she knew it.

My estimate is that as soon as she felt that things were not working out, she found the first man that was interested in her. Moving in was a logical choice for reasons of simplicity and finance. Typically, you don’t take a step like this unless you know someone for a while and want to see how you fit under the same roof.

I am not sure about the engagement. He made the proposal but I don’t know if he was influenced by something that my daughter suggested herself. I know that she is obsessed with stability and having an engagement may be her way of making sure that he sticks around. He does not strike me as the romantic type and I am 100% sure that my daughter does not want kids.

What I think is that there as some initial attraction between them and that was rushed into a relationship for reasons of social and psychological support. There are couples that know each other for years and as soon are they move in together they just don’t get along and break up. This guy she knew for a few months and they were together for weeks before they moved in, the chances of something so rushed being a success are slim.

What I fear is that things are not all that dreamy between them but she is still keeping things going because she is stuck and hopes that it will work.

She is very private about her life (her real life, not what she puts up on facebook) so, she will not tell me anything and we also live far away from each other. Last time we spoke on the phone, she admitted being very stressed with work and didn’t sound all that happy.

My feeling tells me that she was in a dead end in her life and she grabbed the first chance of support she got. Her new boyfriend may had been in some form of desperate state himself and they rushed into this relationship. In any relationship the honeymoon stage will last for at least a year but as they moved in together they started being annoyed early. They are both willing to try to give it a shot so things between them are still tolerable.

Her internet life is just a way to impress her friends, spite her Ex or even show how much she loves here new BF so that he is kept hooked to her. She used to do such demonstrations of love with her Ex when they were having bad times and she was trying to keep them together.

I can’t talk to her about this nor can I give her any type of support but I hope she finds her way.
Thank you for all your help.
Ted

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I can’t talk to her about this nor can I give her any type of support but I hope she finds her way.[/quote]

If you believe you can’t talk to her, and you can’t give her any type of support — then why spend all this energy worrying about her? 😯 Women usually have adult relationships with men that have a lot to do with the relationships they have with their fathers, and it might be a good idea to focus on the problems [i]you’re[/i] having with her, rather than the ones you think she’s having with another man. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[ted76]

The reason she won’t talk to me is because she doesn’t want me to worry about her. I wouldn’t go as far as calling this a problem in our relationship, I never gave her any difficulties when she got in trouble before, not that she ever did.

The fact that she lives so far away also makes it difficult for me to know what she is really up to.
I can help her if she needs help but she just wont admit it to me for reasons of pride. I just want to figure out how she is doing, wouldn’t want her stuck in a miserable relationship.

How do I figure out if she is in trouble when she is too proud to upset me ?

Thanks.
Ted

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like she doesn’t talk to you because you worry about her — and pass judgment, although you didn’t say that was one of her reasons, I’m guessing that it is — and rather than have a relationship with her, you’ve chosen to worry about her choices without any contact or support for her. 😕 This is a great opportunity for your relationship with her. 😉

First, you need to practice weaning. She’s 24 years old and you have to understand that she’s going to, and should, make decisions about relationships. So don’t pass judgment and worry in her presence (which she doesn’t like because she perceives it as you not approving of her life). Find other people in your life to support you concerns, but nourish your relationship with your adult daughter by respecting her and connecting with her.

Second, find a support for your worries that isn’t her. You can use a friend, a spouse, a neighbor — but you need to find someone to talk to about your concerns as a parent of an adult daughter, besides your daughter. 😉 That way, you won’t burden her with your fears and judgments.

Third, keep the communication open. You said she jumped into this relationship that you don’t like, partly because she craves emotional and psychological support. Well, if you could be that for her, then she might not need it so much from other men who aren’t great choices for her. You could be the support she needs, but it requires you to make a few changes.

Fourth, understand that this is a process, and it’s not going to happen overnight — but it’s worth the effort. You say that the fact that she lives so far away makes it hard for you to know what she’s up to — but you can simply pick up the phone, shoot her an e-mail, send a card or a gift saying that you’re thinking of her. In other words, build the relationship and don’t just focus on the part of her life you don’t like. I bet she has some wonderful qualities that you admire. 🙂

Hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[ted76]

I am afraid that the reason why she is not sharing her personal life with me is because she feels that she owes me. She has a very strong code of ethics and feels that I have done too much for her. A few years back when she thought I was having some financial problems and offered to pay me back some money I invested on her education.

I have never passed judgment on her. I have voiced my concerns about certain things but never took it too far.

Like I said, she is a very private person in general and not just with me. She just has one extra reason with me because she knows that I worry and she does not wish to stress me out.

I don’t interfere in her life and this is why I haven’t talked to her about this. Never the less I need to know if she is doing badly.
I need to read the signs correctly so that if she does need help I may be able to get her to open up and let me support her.

Thank you.
Ted.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts