[catsgohi]

Hi April,
I met this guy the other night at a banquet. He was very nice and we spent the whole night dancing together. When I left, I got his name and his facebook. We immediately became facebook friends. I really like him and I’d like to get to know him better and become friends and maybe even a little more later on, but the problem is I’m really shy and I’m bad at conversations. I’m scared to talk to him and no matter how many times I try to get myself to just say hi to him, I get scared and I get worried about what to say and how awkward the conversation is going to be. What do I do?

Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you?

[catsgohi]

As of now I am only 16 years old.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re probably scared of two things: 1) rejection and 2) looking foolish. The reality is that you have to get over your fears because they’re going to hold you back in life. People who are successful — in anything — whether it’s relationships, business or academics — fail. And they look foolish. But they pick themselves up and learn from their mistakes, and they get back out there. In fact, the best of the best at anything have a big string of failures — and a few home runs they hit out of the park that define them.

What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to get over your fears and talk to him, and not only do you have to talk to him, you have to flirt with him! Flirting is the way you let him know you’re interested in him. Guys are worried about rejection, too — and if he sees you’re flirting with him, he’s got a clue you’re interested enough NOT to reject him. 😎

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[catsgohi]

Hey April,
My boyfriend and I started dating in mid-June of this year. About a month before we started dating, he kissed me and we started being more than friends. However, his ex was still chasing after him and trying to get back together with him. I felt terrible for her and even encouraged him to talk to her when he was ignoring her. She asked him for a ring and he gave it to her without telling me and we had a very long talk about it. Despite that, I still felt bad for her and didn’t tell her to back off or anything. Last month, I found out that when he kissed me, he was actually still with her. That month we were more than friends, he was actually still with her. He cheated on her with me. I couldn’t handle this and broke down crying and having temper tantrums at him. Despite my temper tantrums, he tried his best to keep me together and keep us together, so I tried my best to forgive him. I even talked to his ex about it to straighten everything out, but I’m the type of person to hang onto the past and I just couldn’t get over it without reading the messages they sent to each other during that time period to clarify everything for myself. I started reading their skype messages, but he deleted them and there was no way to recover them. I tried to get over that, but yesterday I couldn’t help myself and started to read their texts to each other from that time period. After he kissed me, he still acted so loving and caring towards her. He told her that he loves her more than anything and I just can’t get that out of my head. Even after they broke up, he still told her that he cares for her a lot. She kept telling him that she loves him and calling him “dear” and he just let her even after we were together. I know he left her to be with me, but I can’t help thinking about all the lies and all the pain. I can’t help feeling like I was being used, like I was a back up or a toy to be played around with. I don’t know how I can trust him when he tells me he loves me or misses me or when he cares for me. How am I supposed to know that it’s genuine? She thought everything was fine right before they broke up. I keep thinking: How do I know the same isn’t going to happen to me? I’m so paranoid now. I don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t know how to handle everything. What should I do, April?

Thanks.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry you’re so hurt. 😳 Here is a little real world advice that I hope will help you. First of all, it was a mistake for you to create a threesome by encouraging him to talk to her. 😕 You may have felt badly for her, but it was a mistake to act on those feelings and try to take care of her when you were dating her ex-boyfriend. You put yourself in a no win situation by doing that. 😳 I know you didn’t push him into her arms, but you did push him towards her. Hopefully that’s a lesson learned. For future, if you’re dating someone, don’t get involved with his ex. Especially if he broke up with her for you!

As for your question about being uncertain that you can trust him, you’ve learned something about him through all this — that while he was with you he was still very connected to her — giving her jewelry, being emotional, romantic and maybe more. Instead of wanting him to be someone he’s not, or expecting him to be someone he’s not, understand that he is being genuine to himself. Now, you get to decide if you want to continue spending time and investing emotions in this person. Obviously, you’ve learned enough about him that has changed your ideas of who he is. Now, you have to decide what you want to do next. You’re not being paranoid. You’re being enlightened. If you continue to act the same way you did before you had this new information about him then you’d be pretty silly. If you want to continue seeing him, then understand that he’s not who you thought he was, and you have to get to know him more to decide if you want to continue seeing him.

You’re not locked in. Once you wrap your head around that, you’ll feel better.

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