[confused1101]

I have been with my husband for over 12 years now, married a little over 10. We were in a really low spot last year, but I thought we had muddled through it and had emerged as a better couple. I found out a few months ago that when we were at our lowest that he cheated on me. This has devastated me. I know that we were in a low place and neither of us was trying as hard as we should have and that we were both very unhappy, but I don’t feel like that should excuse his behavior. As far as I know it was a one time thing, however he is in the military and is frequently gone. How can I trust him now? We had been really good recently, until I had found out, and my friend says that he realized that he messed up and was working hard to make it right. I feel like all our hard work was built on lies, since I did not have the whole truth. We have talked A LOT about it all and I feel like he is remorseful and does care about me, but is that enough? I always said that I would not put up with this kind of nonsense, but now that I am in the situation I don’t know what to do. I feel so hurt and betrayed and am not sure how to move on. I don’t feel like he is an opportunistic cheater, I feel he was weak at a time when our relationship was at a low, but what happens next time? I am not niave enough to believe that our relationship will always be butterflies and rainbows, what happens the next time his ego isn’t being stroked? So, I ask – once a cheater, always a cheater?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Not necessarily.

Which I’m sure doesn’t make this any easier for you.

It sounds like your husband cheated for a specific reason. You were in a low spot in your relationship and things were bad between the two of you. This doesn’t excuse his behavior or make up for your hurt. It’s just a way for you to measure what he does when things are at a certain point.

If you believe that the low in your relationship has been remedied, and he won’t do this again, then you can repair this. People move on from cheating — but it’s usually because they have a strong basis for the relationship (which you do) and there’s an understanding of why it happened and how to prevent it. This is easier said than done. But it can be done.

When you wrote that he is remorseful and cares about you, you asked me if that’s enough — the question is really for you. Is that enough for you? Do you really believe that he cheated simply because “his ego wasn’t being stroked”? My guess is that there’s more to it than just that.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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