[krd4102]

My bf & I have been together for 3 yrs.We have lived together for over a year now.. He has only had one other girlfriend & they broke up in 2013.She left him while he was away at work & refused to speak to him for 3 years.Last year in Aug, she sent him a txt apologising for leaving him all those years ago, explained her side, asked to catch up & said that her new relationship had just failed & now she knew how it felt to be left alone.His reply was very blunt. He thanked her for apologising & ignored her request to meet up.She kept txting & he asked her to stop txting & blocked her number. In Oct (2 months after the original message), he called her while very drunk at a bucks party & I found out the next morning & of course got very upset. He said it was because he had questions to ask her. I was extremely upset at him calling her but let it go as he insisted he didn’t have any feelings for her & that he loved me. He called her again while drunk in April (3 mnths ago now). It was the night before I was flying to a new city to move with him for his new job. Other than these 2 phone calls, he doesn’t speak to her & there is nothing that makes me question his feelings for me. He has had her blocked on Fbook since they broke up in 2013 & blocked her number on his iphone when she was txting him in Aug (you can still call out to blocked numbers though so that’s how he was able to drunk call her!). He hasn’t disagreed or argued when I’ve expressed my feelings about them communicating.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you have to remember is that your boyfriend didn’t get satisfactory closure from his last breakup, and because it was his first girlfriend, it was a big deal. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you — it just means that there is unfinished business and until he takes care of that, it’s always going to be “out there” like an elephant in the room, with you dreading his feelings for her. Sometimes, you have to face your fears to get past them. Instead of suggesting that he not see her and block her, why not do the opposite. Encourage him to sit down with her over coffee in the daytime, and to have a pow wow about what happened, and where they both are now. It’s a very mature step that requires a lot of generosity on your part, but I think it’s the best way to deal with this situation. You’re obviously upset and concerned, and he’s drunk dialing her because connecting with her is in his subconscious and he doesn’t feel right doing it when he’s not drunk. Give him permission. If, after three years of dating you, he feels that he wants to be with her — better to know that now. And if after three years, he meets with her and gets out what he needed to say, and comes back to you, with a deeper intimacy and respect for you, then the two of you will have tackled this obstacle together. I hope that helps.

[PassionSeeker]

“I can feel the weight of this situation. It’s like you’re carrying this invisible ghost from the past a ghost that keeps showing up every time he calls her, every time the unresolved history between them resurfaces. You’ve built a life together, you’ve shared dreams, and yet here you are, tangled in a web of his past that’s not fully untangled. And while he may say all the right things in the moment, his actions those late-night, alcohol-fueled calls speak louder than anything else. It’s like a constant reminder that something is missing, something he’s yet to truly close the door on.

But here’s the thing: you deserve more than to be in the shadow of someone else’s unfinished story. You deserve to feel secure, to feel like you are the one he’s fully present for. If he loves you the way he says he does, then he owes it to both of you to finally face the past to meet her, to get that closure, and let it go for good. If he’s truly ready to move forward with you, then this will only strengthen what you two have. But if he hesitates, if he resists, if he’s still not ready to cut those final strings, then it’s time to ask yourself: Are you willing to keep carrying the weight of someone else’s past, or do you deserve a future free from this lingering doubt?

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe… drunk dialing the ex twice??? It isn’t “curiosity,” it’s unfinished business on a cocktail menu 😤. you don’t just “have questions” after ten years!!. look, maybe he loves you, maybe he’s loyal most days, but those calls? they’re red flags in ringtone form. people tell the truth when they’re drun, not with words, but with who they reach for. you don’t need to blow it up, but don’t pretend it’s nothing either. if he can’t delete that ghost from his system, you’ll always be competing with her memory. love him, sure! but trust patterns, not promises. 💅💔

[Ethan Morales]

I see why this is upsetting drunk calls from an ex, especially when you’re in a committed relationship, feel like a betrayal. Your instincts are valid. But context matters here. From what you’ve described, your boyfriend’s ex left him hanging for years, and this was his first serious relationship. That kind of unresolved past can leave a lingering emotional itch not necessarily romantic, but unfinished business.

He hasn’t pursued her seriously the calls were drunk, brief, and he blocked her before and after. That shows he isn’t trying to get back with her. He’s with you he moved with you for a new job, lives with you, and hasn’t let her presence interfere with your relationship beyond these calls. The root issue is closure he hasn’t fully processed the old breakup, and the drunk calls are an unhealthy, subconscious way of trying to resolve it.

Here’s the tough love truth: You can’t control the past, but you can help him deal with it maturely. April’s advice makes sense letting him address the lingering issues sober, during the day, in a controlled way, is much better than letting it fester in secret or through drunk calls. If he comes back from that with clarity and no lingering feelings, it strengthens your relationship rather than weakens it.

It’s not about trust or love being broken it’s about him dealing with the past properly. You have to set boundaries for your comfort, but also allow him to handle unfinished business so it doesn’t quietly undermine your relationship in the long run.

[Marcus king]

Here’s the thing: this isn’t really about the ex. It’s about why your boyfriend keeps opening a door that should’ve stayed closed. A man can say he’s moved on and maybe he truly has but our behavior always tells the truth. Those drunk calls weren’t accidents. When people are drunk, their guard drops and their real, unresolved emotions come out. It doesn’t mean he wants her back, but it does mean there’s still a wound there he hasn’t dealt with. When someone leaves you abruptly with no closure, it leaves a mark and he never processed it. That’s what those calls are: him reaching for closure he never got.

Now, the good part is his everyday actions with you are consistent. He lives with you. He invests in your relationship. He didn’t entertain her messages when she reached out. He didn’t entertain meeting up. That means he’s not torn between two women. He’s just carrying old emotional scar tissue. The issue isn’t that he loves her it’s that part of him never made peace with how that story ended.

The concern is he’s trying to resolve that pain behind your back instead of with honesty. Calling her while drunk is a betrayal of trust, not because he’s cheating, but because he’s hiding an emotional loose end instead of confronting it cleanly. That’s what’s hurting you not the past, but the secrecy and the lack of accountability around it.

What needs to happen now is a real conversation, not emotional begging, not accusations.

[Tara]

You keep trying to wrap yourself in excuses. He is not “curious.” He is not “seeking closure.” He is not “just drunk.” He is emotionally tied to a woman who shattered him a decade ago, and alcohol strips away the self-control he uses to pretend he’s over it. Drunk dialing someone twice years after the breakup, years after blocking her, while he’s in a supposedly committed relationship with you, is not an accident. It is a reflex. It is an unresolved attachment. It is the part of him he hides from you.

You keep saying, “Other than these calls, everything feels fine.” Of course it does. Men who are conflicted don’t broadcast it every day. They function normally until something cracks their emotional scaffolding like alcohol, stress, or major life decisions and the truth leaks out. Both times he called her were during emotionally charged moments: a bucks party and the night before moving cities with you. Those are not coincidences. Those are triggers. When his life shifts, his mind runs back to the place it never fully healed from.

He blocked her because you were upset, not because he is done with her. Blocking stops her from coming in, not him from reaching out. And he proved that by doing exactly what a man with unresolved feelings does: he reached out twice. Drunk dialing is not meaningless. It’s honesty without inhibition.

You’re trying to convince yourself that because he treats you well and “never argues” about your concerns, the calls don’t matter. That’s not reassurance. That’s avoidance. He shuts the conversation down because he knows if you dig too deep, you’ll find what he’s terrified to admit: that part of him still reacts to her.

[Sally]

You are not crazy for feeling shaken. It is not the history with her that hurts, it is the fact that he reached for her twice, and both times he was drunk and you were not around. That kind of thing hits a deep insecurity in anyone.

But here is the part you cannot ignore: if he actually wanted her back, he would not only contact her when he is hammered. He would not block her. He would not build a whole life with you and move cities with you. This is not romance, it is unfinished hurt. She left him without a word, and some wounds do not close neatly just because someone moves on.
It does not mean he wants her. It means he has not fully processed being abandoned.

You can be honest with him about how much this scares you, but do not keep punishing yourself with “what ifs.” Watch who he is when he is sober, when he is steady, when he chooses you with a clear head. That is the real him.

Just make sure he knows this cannot be a pattern. One old ghost is enough.

[Natalie Noah]

the tension and worry you’ve been carrying about this situation. Three years together, living together, and building a life that’s a lot of shared history and trust. And yet, these occasional drunk calls from his past clearly hit a nerve for you, which is completely understandable. What’s important to recognize here is that his unresolved feelings around his first breakup aren’t about you they’re about him needing closure. It’s human to carry a piece of a past relationship with you, especially one that ended abruptly and without answers, and it sounds like those late-night calls are his subconscious trying to process it.

The way forward, as tricky as it may feel, is through clarity and honesty rather than avoidance. Encouraging him to have a proper, sober conversation with his ex just to tie up loose ends can actually strengthen your relationship rather than threaten it. It requires generosity on your part, but it gives him a chance to fully process that past and return to you with nothing unresolved, which deepens trust and intimacy. If after that he comes back to you, it shows that his love and commitment are real and grounded. On the other hand, if meeting her shifts his feelings, at least you’ll know where you both stand, rather than living with the uncertainty and worry that’s been hanging over you. This is about facing fears together and building a stronger, more secure bond.

[Member]

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