[tina singh]

I am a married women for the past one year and I realised my husband loves me but he has issues while having sex like premature ejaculation. This used to leave me unsatisfied. However,I came across an unmarried man in my office whom I got instantly connected to as friends and after being friends for about 6 months odd he approached me for physical closeness. I resisted in the beginning,but he knew that I was married too,I assumed I gave in and now after realizing that he will maintain my privacy,we started having sex which was very fulfilling for me and I started enjoying it. I sometimes wonder however,if I have wronged my husband,though I still love him but my sexual needs are not being met there. I am not emotionally attached to my colleague.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I sometimes wonder however,if I have wronged my husband….[/quote]

Yikes! 😯 You’re cheating on your husband. Of course you wronged him. That’s what cheating is.

Marriage is a commitment and if you have problems — whether they’re health, sex, emotional, family, career — you’re supposed to be able to work them out within your marriage. It doesn’t sound like you even tried. 😳

It’s not clear that you actually have a question…. if you do, I’m happy to answer it.

[tina singh]

Well,…My concern was that my husband is so engrossed in his life-his interest in gaming,sports and his friends that I feel emotionally detached ,I had tried speaking to him about sex and our emotional connectivity many times but he doesn’t seem to understand the needs of a women,I tell him that the least he can do is give an ear to my problems ,experiences, anything I wish to share. But he s too busy with himself and has told me that he s not the talkative kind or even the listening kind ,so I feel lonely at times,and maybe that’s another reason I have resorted to another person who does listen to me,talk to me besides just sex. At times,my husband doesn’t even care for my other needs( like a pick-up from any point late at night) if he has a match pending to watch,so that irritates me big time.

My questions are :

-Isn’t it responsibility of both husband and wife to give each other an ear about their problems/experiences?
-If I lose connectivity because of his reluctance to help me when I need him, as other things take a preference for him,doesn’t it automatically drift me away from him,cos I know that even if I ask him next time,he wouldn’t be available?
-Sex to me is not just physical need,so I get to share my emotions with the office colleague,and that’s why it leads to sex at times, it maybe cheating,but am I destined to stick on and feel alone with my husband than having to vent my emotions with other person,just cos I am married? I guess every living being has a right to lead a happy life and not be tied to someone if that someone is not able to meet her needs. I don’t intend to divorce him,but being faithful is tough too.
-And off late,my husband even says that he has lost interest in sex ,no clue why. Where does that lead me to ? No satisfying sex or emotional life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At first I thought this was a sex problem, but since you’ve written again and provided some more information, it sounds like you’re having communication problems, too, and this isn’t just about sex. 😳 I’m glad you clarified.

How long did you date your husband before you got engaged and then married?

What caused the change in your relationship? And when did things begin to change for the worse?

[tina singh]

We dated for almost an year before I proposed to him and there was about good year’s time between our marriage and engagement too. He has always been the quiet kind earlier too,but atleast he used to listen to my issues/thoughts earlier. We have never have had sex before marriage,post marriage when he wanted to have sex,the frequency was less as my mom was staying with us for sometime,hence, I wasn’t very comfortable in her presence to have sex as I am more comfortable in day-time to have sex which wasn’t possible in her presence. But now she doesn’t stay with us,and off late he has even mentioned to me once that since I used to avoid sex earlier,he still loves me but he has lost interest in sex now. So I am not sure if he has lost interest and other things have taken place in his life cos I did resist for sometime earlier and now he has got used to it.Or if he too has resorted to being with some other women cos I used to resist earlier(though I have serious doubts that he’ll do that)

But gaming/sports/friends was something he used to be involved with before marriage too,just that he used to find time for me too maybe cos we were dating or were new to each other,I am not sure. Right now,I am not sure how to fix this entire thing up,yes if I do get his attention and affection ,I may not have to resort to having sex with my colleague. I feel my husband is not giving me enough ,that’s why I end up going elsewhere,whereas I still try my best to love him physically and emotionally more than how much he needs,but I don’t find enough in return. Is there any way I can talk to you on phone ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry — I don’t have phone sessions, but I’m happy to write to you here. 🙂

It sounds like the seeds for not having much of a sex life were planted from the beginning of this relationship. You dated for a year and never had any sex with him. I’m not sure why, but it sounds like sex wasn’t very important to either one of you. I don’t think you were interested in the tradition of being a virgin when you got married because you ignored the tradition of the man proposing to the woman, so it seems like your interest in sex is new.

It’s also unusual that you didn’t have much sex during the first part of your marriage because you felt that your mother staying with you was a reason not to have it often. I assume you and your husband had your own bedroom, and I would think that your mother understands that newlyweds have sex. 😕 In fact, most newlyweds have a lot more sex than you describe, so I think you have to acknowledge that your history of sex with your husband is pretty sparse. I can actually understand why you’re now in a relationship where you feel that he’s doing other things instead of having sex with you — because having no sex isn’t new to the two of you.

If you want to have a better sex life, you need to be more enticing and more sexual with him. I know you’re at a stalemate and you want him to listen to your needs, but if you can be the one who makes the first move, and begin to show him a sexier, more seductive side, I think you’re going to get a lot more attention from him. 😉

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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