[Anonymous]

Dear April,
A few months back my ex boyfriend whom I haven’t really seen or spoken to in over 12+ years was up visiting his parents and friends before he was getting ready for his deployment. In the time that he was up, he got a hold of me and we went on a couple of dates. At first I was real hesitant about going, only because it had been forever since I actually was on a real date with him and didn’t know what to expect. The first date, I was real uptight, kept to myself. So, after that night I didn’t expect to go on another date. A few days later, after careful consideration, I texted him back and decided to go out with him again. The second date went much better than the first, and I was more like myself. We went to dinner and then went shopping and had coffee afterwards. It was getting late, but I didn’t want to go home and he didn’t want to go home either, so we decided to get a hotel room to talk some more. We talked for a few more hours, and it was like we never missed a beat. You see, we were high school sweethearts, we did everything together. So this night was just a reminder of what we once had. Before I knew it, we were kissing, and he was holding me and caressing my body and hair. We never had sex, we just talked and kissed and held each other. After that night I expected to hear from him, but I didn’t right away. I think it was a week or so after that night that I finally heard from him. He was already down in Florida getting ready for his deployment, moving stuff on board the ship. I called him out on his crappy behaviour, and told him that I didn’t appreciate him playing me. He reassured me he wasn’t playing me and that he was sorry he didn’t get a hold of me sooner. Of course I felt horrible for thinking the worst, so I was hoping that he wasn’t thinking I was being needy or overly dramatic.
Since his deployment we have been chatting on facebook and sending messages and emails quite regularly. I do have to admit though that its usually me who initiates most of the emails and messages, but he usually responds as quickly as possible. With what he has and what he’s doing I’m surprised he has time at all. The conversations are getting better and better as time goes on and it makes me miss him more and more. I believe I have fallen in love with him, and he tells me he thinks of me more and more, and he misses me a lot. Not exactly that he has fallen in love with me all over again, but I know with time, he definitely could. He plans on sending something out to me that belongs to him, and that alone makes me feel like he cares, a lot.
But I’m going to be honest here, underneath all the gratitude and love I feel for this guy, there are a lot of insecurities as well. I find myself questioning his every move. Like, when he writes me a letter that states that he misses me or that he is thinking about me more and more, I wonder is he really means it, or if he is just playing me to get a rise out of me. He did say that he doesn’t want to label our relationship because there is nothing that he can do, and that he doesn’t own me, and he doesn’t want to hold me back. I agree to a certain extent. He’s thousands of miles away on a ship, and it’s not like he can call me his boyfriend. However some of the stuff that we write to each other is quite the contrary. We write how we can’t wait to see each other, and what we plan on doing when he gets back. I find myself getting upset if he doesn’t write to me when I expect him to, or if he doesn’t tell me that he misses me in a message or email. The thing that worries me, is that this behaviour is totally not me, at all. Why am I feeling so insecure? Like, after we chat on facebook, I’ll feel really positive, and I’ll be in such a great mood, and then I’ll think of something, and out of nowhere I’ll be questioning everything. ‘Does he really care about me?’, or ‘what if he forgets about me?’ It really makes me feel out of control of my emotions. And I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I’m trying not to put anything on hold for him, so I have been keeping my options open. At the moment I have a potential date coming up, but I know if I go, I’m going to be thinking about him the whole entire time. I want to enjoy myself, and not worry anymore, but I don’t know how. So I guess my question is, how do I keep my emotions in check? I obviously haven’t told him my insecurities, that would drive him away. I really do believe I am in love with him all over again, and I think I’m afraid of losing him again. What do you think? Thank you for your time!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re jumping the gun big time, so you need to refocus your energy before you blow it. Your ex-boyfriend who you’ve reunited with has only taken you out on two dates — TWO! That’s it. And now he’s deployed in the military and you haven’t mentioned for how long. He’s being very clear that he’s interested, but can’t do anything about it right now.

You, however, are pretending there is more there than there is — or than he can give you. You’re going to make him feel like a failure if you keep calling him out on the behavior you wish he’d show and isn’t. The reality is he’s doing everything right. You, however, are creating a mountain out of a molehill.

My suggestion to you is to accept reality and at the same time, make more of a life for yourself. You have too much free time and too much time to obsess over your fantasy fears. Get out in the real world and volunteer, get a second job, start exercising, take up a hobby and date other guys in the field just for fun — and possibly romance.

You don’t have a relationship with this ex-boyfriend yet — just two dates, one of which was great, and a bunch of calls and e-mails. That’s it. Accept ALL of your life, not just this tiny slice of it.

[Anonymous]

April, I love your straight forward advice. It may be somewhat hard to digest and somewhat harsh at times, but in the end you always know the right thing to say. Thank You for the clarity, it was with me all the while, I just needed someone who wasn’t going to be biased to give me the advice that I needed. Oh, by the way he’s gone until August 🙁 Hopefully I can be able to keep up with your advice. Wish me luck!! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m really, really glad I could help you — and so sorry I was harsh with you, but it seems to have worked! 😆 I just didn’t want you to blow something that sounds like it could go in a good direction when this guy returns from deployment. The two of you had a great date, and he’s giving you communication that is not just appropriate for his remarkably consuming (physically and emotionally) job, he’s being kind and trying to be responsible to you without leading you on. In other words, he’s a good one.

When you give a guy hoops to jump through that he can’t you’re setting him up for failure, and a guy wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like he is THE MAN! So if you want him, make him feel special and important — not like a failure. And in this case, you have to balance keeping him in the game with living your own life and understanding the reality — you had 2 dates, one okay and one great and you’re not going to see him for a while because he’s deployed. It’s not a relationship as much as a delayed beginning — at best.

Hang in there — and remember I’m here for you! 🙂

[Member]

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