[MsBeauty]

Hello all,
Ok, I really need some help understanding my Ex. No one seems to be able to help me. I’ll try and make it as brief as possible. So I’ve known him going on 5 years now, and we are still pretty close for the most part. Anyhow, We briefly dated some years back when I was 22(and a virgin at the time) and he was 21. It took him a while to ask me out because he was scared, but even before, everyone thought we were a couple because we were always with each other. Well not long after we “officially” started dating, I ended up having to move to another state so we kinda broke things off, so it didn’t end bad or anything. We still hung out before I moved and he even said he had feelings for me, but he didn’t want to get attached since I was about to leave. Understandable! Well even after I moved we talked often, occasional flirting and so on. I would sometimes visit him when I went home to visit and that went well, when I talked he always looked me in the eyes and he listened to what I have to say and sometimes he would just stare at me. On one visit, the day before my 24th birthday we hung out went his rehearsal, and then to eat and back to his house. By then it was well past midnight and officially my birthday. We watched a movie and talked, then he snatched my phone out my hand and went thru all my pics and saw some pretty sexy ones I took of myself and he was completely turned on. So that night was our first time having sex with each other. After I returned home we still remained in contact. On another visit(4 months later) we fooled around but didn’t have sex. Often times during a visit we didn’t have sex, but he would just want me to spend the night with him. Fast forward about 8 months later, I worked up the nerve to tell him that I still had feelings for him a lot and what does he think. He said that he wasn’t looking for a sexual relationship because he needed to focus on some things and work on his relationship with God. I totally respected that because I felt the same way. Especially being 400 miles away from him. So when I asked him did he have feelings for me, he said “Let’s just stay friends and leave it at that” I was hurt because it didn’t answer my question. I eventually stopped talking to him just because it hurt me because I cared. Over a year went by that we didn’t speak. Fast forward again to Nov/Dec 2011 we got back in touch and chatted often. Anyway back in March(2012) I went home for a funeral, and we met up because he said when I get to town he wanted to see me. We talked and caught up for some hours. Later that night, he started in being sweet and touchy feely and asking if I had a boyfriend. I told him I didn’t and he seemed surprised when I said no and asked why not.I asked him the same, and he’s not dating either. I didn’t mind the touchy feely, because it had been a year and a half since I had sex(another guy) So of course we did, but then during he says “you know we’re no supposed to be doing this?” I’m thinking “Well, its too late now.” Of course neither of us stopped. Anyhow, I saw him one more time before I came back home, but we didn’t have sex, I went to say bye since I was leaving that next morning, so he asked if I could stay the night. The next morning I dropped him off at church and and on the way, he was saying that he loves this state so much and how could I have moved away. I told him I missed it too and I explained why I moved and that who knows what God has planned later down the road. He was pretty quiet after that. So before he gets out the car we hug and say our goodbyes and he says he hopes to see me again on my next visit (which is next month) then while he’s getting out the car he says “And maybe then we can work on you moving back.” and walks away. I didn’t know what to say, so while driving I just kept thinking about it. What do you think he meant by that? We’ve talked a few times since I’ve been back home, but he doesn’t contact me as often as I’d like. I usually message him, but why is it always me? I know he misses me because he’s said it on more than one occasion, in the past and recently. So I need to know if he still has feelings for me, or am I just a booty call when I’m in town? And if he does has feelings, why not text me every now and then? Also after all this time why do we keep coming back together like this? Is there some potential there? I’m afraid to ask him because of the way it went last time. Someone please help me understand all this 😕

Oh yeah, I’m 26 now, and he’s 25.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]… he says “And maybe then we can work on you moving back.” and walks away. I didn’t know what to say, so while driving I just kept thinking about it. What do you think he meant by that? [/quote]

He said that because [i]he[/i] doesn’t want to be the one to move for [i]you[/i] — he wants you to move for him, but not enough to have a formal conversation about it, so he just drops little teases like this one. It’s a way of being able to back out of any commitment you may think he’s making. The reason you’re driving around trying to figure out what he meant is because he didn’t really mean anything by it, and you’re hoping he did. Sorry. 😳

[quote]We’ve talked a few times since I’ve been back home, but he doesn’t contact me as often as I’d like. I usually message him, but why is it always me? [/quote]

Because he’s not that into you. If he was, he’d be chasing you. He isn’t. 🙁 Stop texting him and contacting him. You’ll get a much better idea of how into you he really is that way.

[quote]I know he misses me because he’s said it on more than one occasion, in the past and recently. So I need to know if he still has feelings for me, or am I just a booty call when I’m in town? [/quote]

When a man says one thing and does another, trust his actions. He may say he misses you, but he doesn’t miss you enough to initiate calls, flowers or dates. You’re probably a little more than a booty call — I’d say you’re a friend with benefits for him.

[quote] And if he does has feelings, why not text me every now and then? [/quote]

Because his feelings for you aren’t that strong. He likes you enough to enjoy spending time with you when it’s convenient for him. But that’s all. 😕

[quote]Also after all this time why do we keep coming back together like this?[/quote]

He keeps coming back together with you because it’s easy for him. Men have sex because they can. If you show up and are willing to sleep with him, he’s probably not going to say no. You, however, are trying to leverage the sex into romance. You’re trying to make the sex be more than sex. It isn’t. I know you want it to be, but this is really just a friends with benefits relationship that’s convenient for him.

[quote] Is there some potential there?[/quote]

There’s definitely more potential for the same friends with benefits relationship you have. But he doesn’t care about you or the relationship enough to move to where you are, and he isn’t interested in the kind of commitment that asking you to move back would imply. I don’t suggest you chase after him and move back.

[quote] I’m afraid to ask him because of the way it went last time. Someone please help me understand all this[/quote]

If you’re afraid to ask him something, it’s because you’re not going to get the answer you want. I think it’s time for you to stop being involved with an ex-boyfriend and find a real, current boyfriend! 😉 My guess is that you’re investing time in this guy because it’s easier than facing being single and dating to find Mr. Right. However…. you’re more likely to find a healthy, happy relationship with someone who wants to be with you and wants you to be his one and only than you are with this guy who wants you to be his Ms. Right Now whenever you come into town.

I know this is disappointing, but I hope it helps you find happiness in the future.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[MsBeauty]

Wow, definitely an eye opener. Yes, its somewhat disappointing naturally, but hey, its the truth. I just feel so stupid wasting all this time hoping and wishing he would love me back. We didn’t really have a chance back then, so I guess a part of me was hoping this was a time to start over. Thank you for replying to my question 🙂 It was nice having advice from an unbiased person.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome.

[MsBeauty]

UPDATE:
I’ve been so upset that I haven’t talked to him since the last time he saw me. I feel like I shouldn’t always have to initiate contact. Especially if he claims we are “Friends” He has my number, he has me on FB, he knows how to contact me, so why not a “Hello” every now and then. So I finally gave in and texted him the day before yesterday out of curiosity and I didn’t get much of anything. I said “Hey, stranger, just checking to see you’re still alive because I nvr hear from u.” He responded saying he was working on some big project. I told him that was awesome and sounds exciting. I nvr got a response or a “Thnx for asking” or a “How are you” that showed me he doesn’t give a damn. I’m done sitting around waiting and looking stupid. I thought that was pretty shitty!

[redpoppy14]

As hurtful as it is and it is, at least now you’re seeing his lack of interest and not making excuses for him, you can get on with getting on and finding someone who is willing to chase you and wants to be with you. Lots of luck. Pops

[MsBeauty]

Right. I agree 🙂 I understand ppl are busy, but seriously? No one is that busy. I really think he doesn’t see what he’s doing. Maybe he doesn’t realize it. I don’t think our chemistry is fake when we are around each other, bit the fact that I cnt get a “Hey, how you doing?” Out of him is enough for me. So I’m all the way done with this situation. I wish him the best of luck with his “big project”

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not that interested in you, and I think you’re finally figuring that out. As rotten as you feel now, as soon as you’ve really moved on, you’re going to feel a whole lot better. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[MsBeauty]

I wouldn’t say I feel rotten, more so irritated and slightly pissed. But hey, I might not be the right woman for him as well as him not being the right Man for me and I except that 🙂 I know the right one is on his way 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good attitude! 😀 Don’t forget that there are things you can do to weed out those who aren’t right for you from those who are. 😉

[Member]

Posts