[helplessj]

Hello, I am in need of some serious advice after many attempts of going above and beyond to satisfy my parents my girlfriend and I are at our last try. I have a big family consisting of 2 brothers (14 and18-partially disabled) 3 sisters (9, 7, an exchange student) and I am the oldest. My name has always been the name that everyone calls on for everything(I am like the 3rd parent). My dad has back problems and is currently out of work and waiting on a settlement check my step-mom works from 8-6 to pay bills so I never see her when I am home, I only see my dad. I am 19 going on 20 and I have had my share of relationships, which I learned very much and my parents did too from the girls I let walk on me. I finally got it right my second semester of college. I found a girl, who was a senior in high school that has changed my life and has showed me the same love that I have given those who have taken advantage of “the nice guy”. We started dating in Jan. 09’ to present and my parents approved so much that they had so many complements about her and they were afraid I was going to make a mistake and lose her. I have had problems being at home a lot before and it upset my parents and I have had these problems before during my first semester due to a lot of college work (when I wasn’t at school I was at work and then sleeping). We spent an equal amount time at her house and my house during that semester we first met. During the summer I worked and integrated family time with girl friend time and everything was fine. Now I am a sophomore in College and my girlfriend is a freshman. We have been dating almost a year now and everything has been perfect up until I started school. Now this is where my problem comes in I have a full load of classes this semester, and I spend a lot of time at school and some at her house in between classes on Monday and Tuesday because I have night classes. Since she lives 3 minutes away from the school and I live about 20 and I don’t make a lot of money it is the better option. Note this is my first time to ever have classes at night which means I am not able to go home in the evening like I used to, I would have taken other classes, but I had no choice I had to get classes I need to out of the way. I am also the oldest in my house hold and the only child who is not my step moms. My house is never quite so this can be extremely distracting when I have a lot of homework to do with deadlines within a week, every week. It started with “we want you home more”, to “you have a curfew now”, to “no lock on my door”, to “tell your step mom your plans and don’t tell your dad”( my dad is a push and lets my step mom tell him what to do all the time) and to call if I will am going to be late (but when I call to say I am going to be late because I am working on a project for school or getting help with my homework they don’t even answer and I asked them why they said just because it’s another excuse. I have two classes with my girl because we both have to have them and we figured we would knock them out well my step mom I tell my parents well I am called into the living room to have a talk with my parents about my business and they both start tag teaming me about being with my girlfriend all the time and setting classes up with her to be with her all the time and never being home and that if I have a problem I know where to go meaning I can pack up my stuff and move out. We got in a big argument and we said our share and my dad just agrees with my step mom all the time. The argument ended with them just wanting me to be home more and my step mom came in my room crying saying that she was sorry for what she said. My girlfriend and I have both done our share to fix the situation. I have done more chores by waking up early in the morning, offering to do stuff for my dad even though I had stuff to do, doing other sibling’s chores because I was unable to do mine. My girlfriend and I went to help my dad put up his tree stand and came to the house did some chores to help out before we went to class. That following Sunday we went to my house and we rented a movie to spend time with my family. We got there I walked and my step mom said in a rude manner “who are you? I don’t know who you are because your never home.” So I just brush it off and then she says to my girlfriend “Oh so you are the one who has been keeping my son from me”. My girl had problems brushing it off because her and my step mom were close before school started used to have their little girl dates. My girlfriend later that night felt that my step mom was treating her wrong and it really upset her. My step mom gets up and goes to her room where she stayed the rest of the night. My dad stayed in the living room and had an attitude that would be pleasing to my step mom, but my dad’s a softie and soon was cutting up with my girlfriend and I who were trying to make the best of the situation. We had a good time with my dad. It just doesn’t sound right like when I am trying to do what they ask they still are not happy or at least my step mom is not therefore my dad follows my step mom and is not happy either. Well two days went by and I got up to get ready for school and my dad makes a comment about what my step mom said to my girlfriend in a smart alike way. I said yeah that was messed up about what she said my girlfriend got upset and felt that my step mom and her weren’t on good terms anymore. I told my dad how I felt about my step mom acting the way she did , I mean she wants me home more and in the argument they said they want my girl friend over to, so when I come home I get walked on and ignored why would I want to waste my time coming home to get crapped on. I tried to discuss it with my dad but all he said was you need to be home more, I told him I was doing all I could including all the stuff I did on the time I was needing to do other stuff, I am not looking for praise but I am looking for some notice that I am trying so hard and no one cares. During saying all this in about a 10-15 min discussion then argument I started tearing up, I usually don’t but I have a lot of stress from school and I pay all my bills except those at the house (even the house bills I help as much as I can with water and power), my dad said don’t start cracking on me now. I said I am sick of trying and trying and trying and you still say I am doing nothing, I also buy my dad cigarettes almost every day so he doesn’t always ask my step mom cuz she will give him crap. And my dad said well if you’re tired of it then you know where to go. Well upset and past time to leave for school I just say I got to go and leave. I talked to my girlfriend about what happened and we are just at wits end nothings good enough and I just feel that it will be easier to leave my house and rent somewhere or stay in a dorm. I have plans to go to a university and I get financial aid so I have to use my parents taxes to apply for a grant. At one point my dad said me and your step mom don’t think you’re going to make it so we hope you don’t get upset when you don’t we will be here for you, some encouragement. I know that an apartment would be easier but I feel that that would cause bad blood between My parents and I and my girlfriend, I plan on making this girl my wife in the future because our relationship is very mature for its age so far but bad blood between parents can cause many struggles and problems (un-needed stress). Please Help Me on how to go about this issue.

[AskApril Masini]

This doesn’t really seem to be a problem between you and your girlfriend or even your girlfriend and your family. This is a problem between you and your family. You are under a lot of stress — too much. Since you are investing in your future by getting an education, I think you need to focus on that. Your family does not seem to support you in your education because they are afraid to lose you — not just because you help out physically and financially, but because you are a valued family member whom they will miss. They will also have to face their own problems more clearly if you are no longer there.

So here’s my advice:

Since you are a legal adult, if you can afford to pay your own bills and tuition, then I think that moving out of your family’s home would be a great idea. This is going to create an emotional storm at home — you’re already seeing this beginning because they are anticipating your leaving if not now, then when you graduate in 2 more years and/or get married. Weather the storm.

Do not be defensive or argue with your family. Be firm and kind. Tell them you understand their feelings, but you are now an adult and you want to give yourself a shot at a life on your own. If you can graduate from college and get a good job, you will be able to help them out financially more efficiently than if you crack from the pressure you’re under now and drop out of school. Tell them that your girlfriend is supportive of you and your future and you hope that they will love her as you do for that. But don’t expect them to.

Your father and his wife and her children have their own problems, and while it’s good to be empathetic, you have to know how best you can help them, and the truth is that if you help yourself now, in the future, you will be better able to help out your family.

I hope this helps. Please let me know what happens.

[helplessj]

I moved out after are arguement and am now living in my car. I am on week 3 and its okay. I stay at school all day and sleep at night, going over to my girlfriends house throughout the wk a few times. My parents have also let my step brother go live with his dad due to me leaving because one i left every thing went haywire. During this past week my parents have had time to think and pray and have said there sry and apologized to my girl friend and I talked to my dad and he respects my decision with support now and not arogance. My girlfriend and I also went to eat dinner with my mom and it went well. My parents are trying to figure out a way for me to be able to come and go into the house late to benefit my intense college lifestyle. The only problem I have now is trying to go back and not going back to soon or not at all. Its tough trying to figure it out.

[AskApril Masini]

You have been very courageous and it looks like once you moved out, the real problems in the house became more clear, as did your father and stepmother’s mistakes and true desires to have you back in the house. I am very glad that your father and stepmother have apologized and want you to move back in with them. I am also glad that your stepbrother was allowed to go live with his father — this may make things a little quieter in your home and alleviate some of your father and stepmother’s stress that affected you.

My advice to you now, since you are living in your car, which isn’t really ideal or very safe, is to figure out what boundaries you need in order to come back into the house, since that is what your father and stepmother want, and [b]if[/b] they can make the adjustments, that may be what is best for you, too. Make a list of changes that would make your coming back to live with them work, and go over that list again and again until you are quite sure it’s right. Ask your girlfriend to help you with this list. The more clear and [i]specific[/i] your list of what you want and what you will agree to do, is, the better chance of peace in the house there will be. [i]Be very realistic in this list. [/i]

In addition, if your father and stepmother agree to your list of what you want from them and what you are willing to do for them, then that agreement, will make them feel like they are part of the reunion and reconciliation, and not just victims. If you’re going to live there for the next 2 and a half years while you complete your college degree, it’s good if they’re happy, too. It will be in your best interest.

[b][i]Remember to keep your eye on the ball:[/i][/b] your goal is to graduate college with a good GPA so that you can either be competitive in the job market or advance your education at a higher level.

You have the goods to go all the way. Now, let’s get you back into quiet, non-stressful living quarters with plumbing! 🙂

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