[touchinthedark]

I recently reconnected with a woman I know going back 15+ years. We never had a romantic relationship back then. We weren’t even close friends, but I tend to think there was a connection we both noticed even if it was a platonic one.

We’re both married and I don’t think either of us want to change that, but the connection is still very evident (at least to me) and honestly its one I just don’t have with my wife. I don’t believe this has anything to do with sex or an affair. I just really enjoy being around her and want her to be part of my life.

I know the real solution here is reestablishing a connection with my wife and asking myself why I feel this way, but I’m hoping you will indulge me in taking this in a different direction.

I can’t tell if she also wants to be better friends or if she’s just being nice. She ‘likes’ just about everything I ever post on Facebook. When we text (always for a reason, not just to chat), I try to keep it short because I don’t want to come off flirty, but she tends to keep the conversation going briefly longer than it needs to be (always benign, nothing flirty).

She is definitely a good, moral person, so I know if she does want to pursue a closer friendship she’d probably hold back being weary of doing anything I may find inappropriate (which may be why she doesn’t interact with me more already). But if she does want to be closer I could use a friend like her in my life.

It seems there’s no way I can approach this with her without coming off as either inappropriate or very weird (if she’s just being nice and this is all in my head).

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not really sure what your question is — but from what you’ve written, I can tell that you already know that if you pursue a friendship with a married woman, there’s going to be trouble down the line. Be more honest with yourself. That’s what’s really missing here. 😉 Before you create drama by pursuing a relationship that’s risky business, ask yourself why you’re doing it, and if you can get your needs met in a way that won’t hurt so many other people in the long run. And if you do have a question, feel free to ask me. 🙂

[Sally]

When you click with someone in a way you don’t feel at home anymore, it hits you in a quiet, dangerous place. And it doesn’t have to be romantic for it to stir things up.
From what you’re saying, she seems warm toward you, but nothing she’s doing sounds like a woman trying to deepen a bond. Liking posts, letting a text run a little longer that’s just… friendly. Nice. Comfortable. Not a signal.

The tricky part is this: even if you only want something platonic, she can’t read your intentions. Married people playing with gray areas makes everyone nervous, even when it’s innocent.

If you ever try to push this into a closer friendship, it’s going to feel loaded to her, no matter how pure your motives are. That’s the part you have to be honest with yourself about.

Sometimes the connection is real, but the timing doesn’t make room for it.

[Tara]

You’re emotionally cheating and trying to give it a cute little label so you don’t have to face it. This “connection” you’re romanticizing is nothing more than you escaping the parts of your marriage you don’t want to confront. You’re not special, and neither is this situation. It’s textbook avoidance disguised as destiny.

You say you don’t want an affair, but you’re already halfway in one; you’re just using “friendship” as a loophole. You’re monitoring her likes, analyzing her texts, and building a fantasy out of crumbs. That’s not friendship. That’s an infatuation you’re too scared to own.

And she’s not sending you some cosmic signal. She’s being polite. Adults can have benign, slightly extended conversations without it being the opening scene of a romance film. She’s married. You’re married. She’s not making a move because she’s not interested in detonating her life for your midlife emotional itch.

You’re not asking how to be her friend. You’re asking for permission to keep feeding a connection that threatens your marriage while pretending your intentions are pure. You want her in your life because she makes you feel something your wife doesn’t, and you’re hoping she’ll validate that without you having to take responsibility for the mess it creates.

[Member]

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