[Dustin13]

I have dated this girl throughout college for 4 years. we recently hit a rough spot where i wasnt giving her the attention she deserved. i am a college baseball player and told her that baseball is my priority right now, which im sure only a baseball player would understand. She then asked for a break and i accepted it. We still talked everyday and exchanged laughs but we never saw each other for about a month or so. Well it turns out that she went on a date with another guy and I think she wants to be with him. I havent totally treated her great i never really knew how to show my love for her until I was threatened with losing her. I just wish i could go back and chance the way i treated her. For my defense I never hit her I never swore at her, I was always there for her when she needed to talk about anything, I was there for her when her grandfather died and i have always been there for her to cry on my shoulder. I started to beg for another chance and she said she would think about it. Recently she told me she doesnt want to be with me and she still has love for me and just wants me to be a friend for her in her life. That is something i hated hearing. We both cheated on each other early on in the 4yrs and i told her i am willing for forget about all of that because i love her so much(which is honestly the truth. ) We have agreed to talk in person over lunch in a day or 2 and still txt each other. but as of right now she wants to be friends and I want something more of it. I am just confused on how to go about this because I really love her and feel she still has love for me. I know begging for another chance will push her away. I am just not sure how to continue because I want her as my girlfriend but i seem to have slipped into the friend zone with her and thats not what i want. Any advice is appricated. I am just not really sure what to talk about at this lunch and really hope there is some way we can get back together eventually. I really love her. i didnt show it good enough when i was in baseball season and not that i have graduated i feel i can be the boyfriend she always wanted.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like the reason you broke up after four years is because of the recent rough patch where you told her baseball was your priority, and she didn’t really like that. Rather than defending yourself, try and understand what happened instead. She wanted more attention and you didn’t have it to give to her. I know you’re only in college, but there are situations like this that happen to much older men and women. Many women feel that their emergency room doctor boyfriends don’t give them enough time, or that their firemen and policemen husbands put work first. Many businessmen work very long hours and travel regularly — they need women who are understanding and appreciative of their situations.

My advice is that you know yourself and your commitments, and then find someone who is compatible and also appreciates how much energy and time you put into baseball or a career field, and that it’s not personal, but it is who you are. I know you think that you “slipped” into the friend zone after four years, but that’s not what happened. The mutual cheating was a sign that something was wrong in the relationship and your commitment to sports gave her the excuse she’d been looking for to move on.

I don’t think that trying to get her back is going to work. If you get her back, I think you’re going to run into these same problems you’ve been having over the four years, down the line. I know you think that graduation from college is going to change your priorities, but you’ll be getting a job and the job may require you to commit the same type of time that baseball did. I also think it can be pretty scary not having the security of college any more, and you’re looking for something familiar to hang onto, so you’ll try to get her back even though it’s not the right thing for either of you. 😳

I’m sorry this isn’t what you wanted to hear, and I know this is tough, but you’re going to get through it. 😀

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[Dustin13]

ya it turns out she was going behind my back since march but never had the corage to tell me until i caught her basically. I just dont know how she can move on so fast after we dated for so long and had great times with eachother. It doesnt make sense how she can just throw what he had aside and pick up with someone else. But i dont want to be with her anymore now that i think about things more. I deserve better…even though i messed up at times in the relationship she would always be acting like the victum and i really was more so. I told her that what she did is worse then what I did because she actually was living two lives for about a month and still saying i love you to me but she was visiting this other guy when i was at baseball and on road trips and she was acting with her heart and continued to seem him while i did cheat but it was a one time thing and i felt bad after i did it. I doesnt seem like she feels bad about what she has done to me. I really got hurt by her so i dont want her back it just stings right now to know that she was able just pick up with another relationship right after ours was over or shortly before it was over. She said she wanted to be friends but I have told her thats unfiair to me and that I need to let things settle even before I would consider a friendship. It seemed like she wanted me around when he cant be there for her and vice verse. What should i do. As of right now i have dropped all communitcation with her and have taken her off my facebook friends list so i wouldnt see pictures of the new guy with her. I also took her number out of my phone so i wouldnt text her.

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t recommend friendship with an ex because one person always feels more strongly than the other and it’s a lot harder to get over a break up if you’re “friends” and seeing each other with other dates — or even just alone.

It sounds like, although you’re hurt, you’ve realized she’s not Ms. Right, and you have a lot of clarity now. That always helps you to move on and to choose more aptly next time around.

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