[herosikander]

Hello,
I am a regular guy, from India, living with my parents and doing my family business from past ten odd years. I am in love with a Thai girl I met a year ago on trip to Thailand, she works as an Human Resource Manager in some Private Firm. At first it was not much of a relationship when we met. But later we started liking each other. I came back to India and we used to keep in touch with each other through mobile phone and internet. Each day we talk with each other and now its like a major portion of my day is with her talking or being on the internet. We love each other and wanted to get married. Problem starts when I told my parents about this girl. My mother and father are not ready to accept this girl as they say that not only the religion of the girl is different, she is Buddhist and I am Hindu, but also she is from a totally different cultural background and she will not be able to accept our culture and blend in our society. I talked in this matter to her and she is willing to change herself ready to leave her job and her country to live a life with me here in India after marriage and she is ready to learn new things and new culture of ours.

I know that she is the correct life partner for me and she will keep me and my family happy with her love and care. But I also don’t want to hurt my parents by marrying her and going against their will. Now I don’t know what I must do. I don’t want to hurt this girl by saying no to her and the fact is if I say no to her even I too will be hurt because I too love her and I don’t want to live a life without her. I am also very worried about the adamant nature of my parents towards her and they are looking for some suitable bride for me over here in India, but I don’t want to marry anyone else except this girl. Every day I just pray to god that I get this girl as my life partner.

Please advice me what should I do. How I should marry this girl and also my parents accepts her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you?

[herosikander]

I am 29 and she is 27.

[anniesmith018]

Hello,

My boyfriend also in that situation and he is also don’t want to hurt their parents. Then we will decide that we both doing marriage their own religion. I know its difficult but we have no another option.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because you are an adult, at age 29, you have to do what is right for you. People break away from their parents at different times and in different circumstances, and what your parents want for you is not always going to be what you want for yourself — and vice versa. Hopefully, they will come to realize that you’ve made a good decision. That realization may take some time, and your job is to be open-minded and empathetic to their journey as you take your own. 😉

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[herosikander]

Thanks for the word of advice April,
I am really thankful to you for taking out the time and showing me the path ahead I need to take. I really thank you for that. But the problem here is not going on my own way. Problem I am having here is that my parents are really attach to me, since I am the only son. My parents have a lot of expectations form me & I have a lot of responsibilities towards them and my present family. I may want to add that every parent want that their child be their support in those aging years of them, I too want that if and when I become a parent. I am afraid that if I go with this way my parents may get hurt and may not accept her and I may have to live away from them, which I don’t want. My father is a heart patient, I don’t want to take those steps which may result in certain critical circumstances for them. Since talking with them is the only way out, I think. So what I am going to do is I am going to take this girl and introduce her to my parents. I hope my parents will know how good this girl is, once they know her face to face. Its really easy to misunderstand someone without knowing them on the first hand. I hope they would understand my point and my seriousness towards her. What do you suggest? I really would like to know your point before implementing anything. And I want to thank you, from all my heart, again to take out time for me from your busy schedule.

Thanks and Regards.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think your plan is a good middle ground. It allows you to make a stance, without creating as much drama as you would if you drew a line in the sand.

Before you introduce her, tell your parents you’d like them to meet someone who is very important to you and that it means a lot to you to have their approval and that you’ll be the happiest son in the world, if they do approve. In other words, lead them to the conclusion you’d like, and finesse it so that you’re respectful, while at the same time, clear that you love her.

Make the visit a short one, so that there is a better chance that it will go well, and will lead to a second visit. Prep her on subjects that are better avoided, and on what your parents will like hearing about her, so that she’s got a “cheat sheet” to work from. If there’s a special, little hostess gift your mother would like to receive (flowers, certain candy, a particular scented candle, homemade something or other….), suggest your girlfriend bring that for your mom to make a good impression.

Good luck!

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[herosikander]

Thanks a lot Ms. April,
For your word of advice and your way to present my girl friend to my parents. It have certainly filled me with so much positive energy. And I hope that when I do exactly what you said, my parents get to accept this girl. I am so thankful to you for guiding me and telling me what to do and what not to do. Thanks again. May God bless you for the beautiful work you are doing by helping thousands who need help.

Regards,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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[herosikander]

Ms. April,
I am here again. And this time I need your advice more than ever. After the world of your advice I talked with this girl and we discussed various things. Like when she comes here to India with me she may need to change and adapt to the new culture, religion, society, language, people etc. And she said she would do it because she loves me so much. A few days back I met a friend of mine and he told me its not that easy to adapt and change to the new culture and society. Also even if she does what is the guarantee to that my parents would accept her and even if they accept her if they didn’t acknowledged her or her actions then what? Also if after a year or two of your marriage she says that she gives up and she can not do it anymore now and she wants to go back to her parents and don’t want to live here anymore.. I talked with her in this regard and she said she will not do anything like that because she knows we both will find solution to each and every problem.. we will communicate and with our love we will overcome every problem. Then after few days she started to ignore me.. she started staying away.. she didn’t answer to my phone calls, nor my emails. nor she comes to talk with me. And when I send her a mail asking why is she doing all this a mail from her came this morning which is as follows :

[i]“I have read your letter.
First, I would tell you that the past and I think it causes attributed to think and decide.
I think that our relationship is a well But whatever be the differences of religion, language, and life. It made ​​me think hard that we may not be able to go together. I think many times. And the answer is the same answer. I may not be able to adapt in such environments.

May be in the early stages of love and your understanding. It gives me encouragement to change and improve. But when there is pressure or other factors that are encouraging regression variables.
I’m not sure I can do it myself.

So I want you to understand and I’m sorry for everything that has been promised to you.
And I can not do it. I understand your feelings. You love and trust me, you hope together with our future. But I want you to think back to the main fact. Also, If I go with you to India after we were married a year or two years. I may have an idea that I came to Thailand with my parents. It is normal. And you also have to understand that. I’m a woman to go abroad alone. It is quite heavy. And I have to change myself to fit every society there. You know that I’m not good at English. Me to be more like it.

For this reason, it makes me feel guilty and do not know what to say or how to explain it.
Anyway, I hope you will accept my reason and grasp my opinion.
And would you know it always feels good. I also like to have with you.

Finally , I hope we can be good friends forever

Best Regards,”[/i]

After this I am devastated and shattered.. I am so sad.. I talked with her as to why she think that and she said that she have thought about this already and make up her mind.. she can not go into a relationship with me anymore. Its better to end it now than to be sorry later on.

I am so sad I can not work.. I can not stop thinking about her.. my mind have lost peace and the idea to loose her now makes me more worried..

Please advice what to do. How to pursue her to change her mind.. waiting for your reply. Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you should try to change her mind. I think that you should be grateful that she is so thoughtful and honest with you. The offer of marriage that you made to her came with a lot of strings attached, and the situation that was offered her was one that could have gone well — or not so well. There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships, and so it’s very important to be honest with yourself, and to choose someone who is honest with you. You are very lucky that this woman was honest with you and didn’t put you and your family and herself through a relationship that she is very sure she can’t see through.

I know you’re sad, but I think it’s important that you’re honest about what you’re looking for in a relationship, and that it’s someone who meshes with you, your family, your country and your culture. You’ll have success if you keep those criterion in mind. 😉

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[herosikander]

Thanks for the reply. I gave too much thought to it and now I know that you are right. What she did is best not only for herself but for me as well and for that I’ve already thanked her and she didn’t cut off a relationship with me but she only cleared that she is not looking in me for someone to be settle down with. So now she continues to be a good friend of mine. Also I think as a good person I too must respect her decision and thus I am no longer sad. Thanks for the lovely replies and once again taking me out from a mess. You really are someone which is blessed and made to help others out. May God bless you. Thanks again. Regards.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 😀

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